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Old 09-11-2014, 07:03 PM View Post #1 (Link) Dismantle
sbenzing (Offline)
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Do you come here often,
Pictured and hung on the edge of the lake,
framed with twigs and bramble, laid across
the seam of earth and water?

She soon becomes my favorite drink in a world
full of shadows slumped into deeper shadows,
nursing drink after drink, compressions compressions,
clear the airway, mouth to mouth, hand to mouth,
there's a bone in my hand that connects to a drink.

It's not that I'm clinging to every word you say:
I'm climbing off this ledge with a white knuckled grip,
sheets knotted together ropes burning my palm
as I slide to the ground.

Secrets, like hands, are the hardest things to keep from you,
my bottle of red wine on the forest floor, blankets of pine
needles and oak leaves. You throw me up on my ledge
then weave your words of salvation.

Dismantle me.
Repair me.
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Old 09-29-2014, 09:04 AM View Post #2 (Link)
han123 (Offline)
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Obviously this isnt going to be the best critique considering I'm critiqueing a better writer than me, but I hope that maybe evne my opinions can help a little bit


Do you come here often,
Pictured and hung on the edge of the lake,
framed with twigs and bramble, laid across
the seam of earth and water?


I really love the starting line because it immediatley makes me wonder were this place is, and then the answer is there which I think is great. except I was slightly confused since this person was 'pictured and hung on the edge of the lake' and then 'laid across the seam of earth of water. I could be wrong, but it seems like two different things to me. Also, how are they pictured? I couldnt quite get a clear image from this.


She soon becomes my favorite drink in a world
full of shadows slumped into deeper shadows,
nursing drink after drink, compressions compressions,
clear the airway, mouth to mouth, hand to mouth,
there's a bone in my hand that connects to a drink.

I like how the poem changes almost dramatically but still invloves liquid (water I assume?), and I love how you brought shadows inot it, it makes it sound slightly mysterious. Great description and clear image in the thos last three lines in that stanza.


It's not that I'm clinging to every word you say:
I'm climbing off this ledge with a white knuckled grip,
sheets knotted together ropes burning my palm
as I slide to the ground.

I think this could have flown slightly better from the last stanza and I think that the 2nd line became the slightest bit cliche when you said 'White knuckled grip'. last two lines are good. Was there anything more to the ground or was it un-important?


Secrets, like hands, are the hardest things to keep from you,
my bottle of red wine on the forest floor, blankets of pine
needles and oak leaves. You throw me up on my ledge
then weave your words of salvation.

Dismantle me.
Repair me.
________


It's a great ending stanza but could be interesting in your way of decribing the surroundings.

hope this helped
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Old 10-04-2014, 12:10 PM View Post #3 (Link) Good Work!
Avartis (Offline)
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: United Kingdom
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I liked this poem. You used some exellent vocabulary, going into detail about certain points.

The opening line "Do you come here often" is engaging, and an exellent opening line. Overall, I thought the poems message was clear, concise, and excellently constructed. You use the phrase "she soon becomes my favourite drink in the world" which is an excellent use of personification.

However, sometimes, the meaning was just a little unclear. When you start talking about "compression", I was a little unclear there. Maybe add a few more lines, or edit it, in order to make sure you point gets across.

Overall, an excellent poem. It shows that a poem doesn't have to rhyme to be good!
Keep up the good work!
Thanks,
-Avartis
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