Forum
Community Forum
Today's Posts
FAQ & Rules
Members List

Writing
Writing Forum
Recent Posts
Critique Guidelines

Groups
YWO Social Groups
Facebook
Myspace

Chat
 
YWA

Register

Store
Support YWO
YWO Merchandise
The Book Despository
Amazon.com (US)
Amazon.co.uk (UK)
Amazon.ca (Canada)

SBS Mag


Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 06-30-2014, 01:05 PM View Post #1 (Link) A comedic piece of screenplay
tomlcsince93 (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 5
Points: 6.49
Times Thanked: 0
This is the first piece of screenplay I have ever wrote. I plan to make short films and I might use this as a basis to where I can gain experience in filming. Good advice , just general feedback, or a critique would be highly appreciated thanks


Fade In

Int. Marcs Bedroom . Evening.

Marc and Stevie are sat in Marcs bedroom scrolling through facebook. Marc is twenty and stevie is nineteen. They are both two very different personalitys. But they tolerate each other because they have been friends from a very young age.

Marc : Danielle just updated her status.

Stevie Energetically swivels round on his chair.

Stevie : Whats it say ?

Marc begins to read the status outloud, even though Stevie is looking straight at the screen.

Marc: Sometimes the answers we are looking for are staring us straight in the face. We just cant see them.

Stevie : shiytt, pretty deep. Not your average thinker. OR , Or maybe she needs a thicker pair of glasses. (said smugly)

Marc : (slightly humoured laugh), I know right , I wish more girls were like this.

Srevie : what? blind ?

Marc : Noooo, just like, thoughtful.

Stevie : you know why ?

Marc : Why what ?

Stevie : why girls are becoming less and less thoughtful.

Marc : why ?

Stevie : Because girls think that guys want them to be all manly and shit, like them , one of tha boys.

Marc : Im not sure its exactly like that.
Stevie : trrrust me , I know what im talking about it.

Marc : really.

Stevie : Listen , if a girl acts cool enough to be hanging out with guys, Once she worms her way in, she can take her pick. Trrrust me , female tacticts.

Marc : Cmon man, girls arent that calculated.

Stevie : Wake up Marc ! Girls are fucking geniuses.

Marc clicks on her profile page and clicks on the photo album labelled ' Drunken antics'. They begin to look through her photos.

Stevie : By the looks of things she goes to some pretty cool partys.

Marc : Cool ? There are so many wizards you would think Dumbeldore threw this party.

Stevie : So you'd complain if Emma watson was there ?

Marc stumbles for a second

Marc : well , noo

Stevie : See , shes fucking hot.

Marc : Obviously.

Stevie notices something on the screen that grabs his attention.

Stevie Look at that fucker !

Marc : Where ?

Stevie : There !

Marc : Where am I supposed to be looking?

Stevie grabs the mouse from Marcs hand

Stevie : here gimme that, you handle that thing , like you handle sandwiches,

Marc : Sandwiches?

Stevie : Ive seen you make sandwiches, being all delicate and careful. You practically massage the bread.

Marc : Whatever

Stevie zooms in on the image .

Marc : Its just some guy dressed up in a princes outfit, so what

Stveie : so what ? Hes a gameplaying motherfucker, thats what he is.

Marc : stevie, There at a fancy dress party , he has to dress up as something.

Stevie : the guys clever ill give him that . Deceptive, like a seahorse.

Marc : how the fuck are sea horses deceptive ?

Stevie : A horse in the sea ? Horses cant swim!

Marc : your'e an idiot . Yes they can, my sister rides horses, They put them in the water to recover from injurys and shit like that

Stevie : your sister can ride me if she likes.

Marc; haha,shut up .

Marc : anyway , wait a second.

Stevie : for what ?

Marc : I just need to prepare my brain for another one of your enlightening thoerys about life.

Stevie : its fucking simple, the way in which girls are trying to seem less thoughtful, guys are trying to seem more thoughtful.

Marc : how ?

Stevie : Have you noticed how guys are making extra effort with there hair and there clothes.

Marc : yeah, I guess

Stevie : Back in the day guys never used to give a fuck, theyd be turning up to dates and shit stinkin of sweat and meat and oil

Marc : oil? Why the fuck oil (laughs)

Stevie : because back in those times men all worked down the mines. Real fucking men .

Marc : im not sure you smell of oil when you work down a mine (laughs)

Stevie : trrruust me , you do. Plus Men are fucking pussys nowadays, writing music and shit.

Marc : I write music.

Stevie : exactly.
Anyway , anway my point is that with guys being all femine and girls being all manly, the roles are slowly changing.

Marc : How ?

Stevie : Men sounding and acting like women and women acting and sounding like men.

Marc :hmmm

Stevie : trrrust me , theres was once a time when all a girl wanted to hear was I love you now if you hit them with that shit, they get a restraining order against you, their dad wants to find , and then kill you. We practically live in a world full of dads like liam neeson.

Marc : cmon man thats abit extreme.

Stevie : im telling ya, girls are brutal.

Marc : some, Stevie, some girls are brutal.

Stevie gets up from his chair and stretches.

Stevie : whatever man, I gotta be up early tommorow

Marc : for what?

Stevie : for class ?

Marc : since when have you cared about being on time ?

Stevie : since they threatened to kick me off the course.

Marc: ahh I see , well , its a good thing you care.

Stevie : yeah I guess.

Stevie waves

Stevie : adios amigos

Marc puts a hand up in the air to aknowlege the goodbye and smiles (slightly) while spinning back and forth on his chair.

Stevie heads out through the door.

Fade out
  Reply With Quote
Old 06-30-2014, 05:07 PM View Post #2 (Link)
Dalibor (Offline)
Idea Scribe
 
Dalibor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 77
Points: 30
Times Thanked: 29
Spoiler:
Marc and Stevie are sat in Marcs bedroom scrolling through facebook. Marc is twenty and stevie is nineteen. They are both two very different personalitys. But they tolerate each other because they have been friends from a very young age.

Marc : Danielle just updated her status.

Stevie Energetically swivels round on his chair.

Stevie : Whats it say ?

Marc begins to read the status outloud, even though Stevie is looking straight at the screen.

Marc: Sometimes the answers we are looking for are staring us straight in the face. We just cant see them.

Stevie : shiytt, pretty deep. Not your average thinker. OR , Or maybe she needs a thicker pair of glasses. (said smugly)

Marc : (slightly humoured laugh), I know right , I wish more girls were like this.

Srevie : what? blind ?

Marc : Noooo, just like, thoughtful.
I don’t have a Facebook, but…aren’t a lot of people saying things like that nowadays? Besides, “Sometimes the answers we are looking for are staring us straight in the face. We just can’t see them” really isn’t that intelligent (or thoughtful) of a statement. It just sounds like someone trying to be thoughtful for the sake of looking like they’re thoughtful on Facebook.

Stevie : you know why ?

Marc : Why what ?

Stevie : why girls are becoming less and less thoughtful.

Marc : why ?

Stevie : Because girls think that guys want them to be all manly and shit, like them , one of tha boys.

Marc : Im not sure its exactly like that.
Stevie : trrrust me , I know what im talking about it.

Marc : really.

Stevie : Listen , if a girl acts cool enough to be hanging out with guys, Once she worms her way in, she can take her pick. Trrrust me , female tacticts.
So now “all manly and shit” has been substituted with “cool”…that won’t go down very well with certain people.

Also, up until now I was picturing both characters as basic and average-built guys – maybe, like, one white guy and one black guy - and clearly nothing about that is working. Here’s what I’ll do: I saw a play a few years ago on Broadway called The Motherfucker with the Hat where most of the funny, goofy/dumb profane lines were given to silly-sounding people. One of them was acted by Chris Rock, who is naturally funny, and the other one was an exaggerated guy with a thick accent – I think the actor's name was Yul Vasquez - and the audience found them extremely funny. Most of the more serious lines were given to Bobby Cannavale’s character, and the audience naturally took him more seriously (which was strategic because he was probably the best actor there).

My point is, I think this will be funniest if the acting is very, very goofy and maybe even stereotypical. Otherwise, I’ll start to take the story more seriously than I should and Marc and Stevie will just come across as dumbasses.
I’ll do several trials for Stevie and Marc – simulating the acting, if you will - with three random types of people:
-One with hillbilly-ish country guys
-One with…hmm…how about Chris Tucker-ish guys?
-And, finally, one with as (as I mentioned being successful in such a script earlier) the Yul Vazquez-ish NYC latino type
And yes, it is uncomfortable to be talking about race, etc like this, but it’s important as to how you want people to hear your lines.


Marc : Cmon man, girls arent that calculated.

Stevie : Wake up Marc ! Girls are fucking geniuses.

Marc clicks on her profile page and clicks on the photo album labelled ' Drunken antics'. They begin to look through her photos.

Stevie : By the looks of things she goes to some pretty cool partys.

Marc : Cool ? There are so many wizards you would think Dumbeldore threw this party.

Stevie : So you'd complain if Emma watson was there ?

Marc stumbles for a second

Marc : well , noo

Stevie : See , shes fucking hot.

Marc : Obviously.

Stevie notices something on the screen that grabs his attention.

Stevie Look at that fucker !
Isn’t Stevie supposed to be the smarter one? Or am I just not seeing any difference in their personalities at all?

Marc : Where ?

Stevie : There !

Marc : Where am I supposed to be looking?

Stevie grabs the mouse from Marcs hand

Stevie : here gimme that, you handle that thing , like you handle sandwiches,
Okay, this sounded funny when I read it in the style of the people I named earlier.

Marc : Sandwiches?

Stevie : Ive seen you make sandwiches, being all delicate and careful. You practically massage the bread.
This was also a pretty good line. You might even want to take advantage of it, just dedicate one or two more lines to the massaging of the bread, rather than discard it by having Marc say “Whatever”.

Marc : Whatever

Stevie zooms in on the image .

Marc : Its just some guy dressed up in a princes outfit, so what
Ehhhh…I wasn’t pointing out the spelling errors until now, mostly because they can be solved easily with a spell check, but princes is a real word. Perhaps you wanted to type “prince’s.” But if PRINCESS was in fact the word you were trying to type and alas were reluctant to type the additional “s”, that makes a huge difference in what Marc is saying.

Stveie : so what ? Hes a gameplaying motherfucker, thats what he is.

Marc : stevie, There at a fancy dress party , he has to dress up as something.

Stevie : the guys clever ill give him that . Deceptive, like a seahorse.

Marc : how the fuck are sea horses deceptive ?

Stevie : A horse in the sea ? Horses cant swim!
So far, since I might as well give some feedback on my trials, the hillbillies and Yul Vazques are providing the funniest versions of these lines. Also, the lines are getting funnier overall. Good job.

Marc : your'e an idiot . Yes they can, my sister rides horses, They put them in the water to recover from injurys and shit like that

Stevie : your sister can ride me if she likes.

Marc; haha,shut up .

Marc : anyway , wait a second.

Stevie : for what ?

Marc : I just need to prepare my brain for another one of your enlightening thoerys about life.
Are they still looking at the computer while they say all this? Or maybe one of them is and one of them isn’t?

Stevie : its fucking simple, the way in which girls are trying to seem less thoughtful, guys are trying to seem more thoughtful.

Marc : how ?

Stevie : Have you noticed how guys are making extra effort with there hair and there clothes.

Marc : yeah, I guess

Stevie : Back in the day guys never used to give a fuck, theyd be turning up to dates and shit stinkin of sweat and meat and oil

Marc : oil? Why the fuck oil (laughs)

Stevie : because back in those times men all worked down the mines. Real fucking men .
And this is yet another implication that they’re really uneducated people.
Marc : im not sure you smell of oil when you work down a mine (laughs)

Stevie : trrruust me , you do. Plus Men are fucking pussys nowadays, writing music and shit.

Marc : I write music.

Stevie : exactly.
Anyway , anway my point is that with guys being all femine and girls being all manly, the roles are slowly changing.
Wait…so is Stevie really supposed to be the philosopher of the two? Because he sounds like a moron, and kind of an asshole, and as for the things he’s saying that are philosophical, I’ve heard them many, many times. Most people probably have, actually.
Marc : How ?

Stevie : Men sounding and acting like women and women acting and sounding like men.

Marc :hmmm

Stevie : trrrust me , theres was once a time when all a girl wanted to hear was “ I love you “ now if you hit them with that shit, they get a restraining order against you, their dad wants to find , and then kill you. We practically live in a world full of dads like liam neeson.
Okay, this can be pretty funny.

Marc : cmon man thats abit extreme.

Stevie : im telling ya, girls are brutal.

Marc : some, Stevie, some girls are brutal.

Stevie gets up from his chair and stretches.

Stevie : whatever man, I gotta be up early tommorow

Marc : for what?

Stevie : for class ?

Marc : since when have you cared about being on time ?

Stevie : since they threatened to kick me off the course.

Marc: ahh I see , well , its a good thing you care.

Stevie : yeah I guess.

Stevie waves

Stevie : adios amigos

Marc puts a hand up in the air to aknowlege the goodbye and smiles (slightly) while spinning back and forth on his chair.

Stevie heads out through the door.

Fade out
Okay, so this is not bad considering that it’s your first piece of screenplay.
There were some funny lines, and the humor was diverse enough that I can tell you have a lot of potential and will be a very good writer with more practice.

I’d say the main weakness of this story is just that it was low-cultured. Facebook, cussing, two young guys wondering what the hell is going on with gender roles, etc.
The deeper ideas beneath the humor weren’t very appealing, either. I mean, maybe viewer [X] will agree with idea [Y] presented by Marc and Stevie about men and women, but chances are that won’t generally be the case.
I also had trouble figuring out if you actually believed some of the things they were saying – especially the ideas they sounded so certain about – or if that was just part of the character images you wanted.
All of the things I’ve been talking about starting at “I’d say the main weakness” will be strengthened if your intention was to make the actors goofy, as I went on and on about earlier.
Of course, someone's first screenplay probably won't make its way to actors either - that's mainly just something to think about as you get more experienced with screenplay drafts.

So, you have a few things to learn, but also a few things to be proud of. Good luck with your future in screenplay writing.
  
						Last edited by Dalibor; 06-30-2014 at 06:06 PM.
					
					Reply With Quote
Old 07-01-2014, 05:22 PM View Post #3 (Link)
SoulSurf13 (Offline)
Abstract Thinker
 
SoulSurf13's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Outside your window
Posts: 45
Points: 12
Times Thanked: 8
Originally Posted by tomlcsince93 View Post
This is the first piece of screenplay I have ever wrote. I plan to make short films and I might use this as a basis to where I can gain experience in filming. Good advice , just general feedback, or a critique would be highly appreciated thanks

Corrections in red
Suggestions in purple
Things I like in blue

Fade In

Int. Marcs Bedroom . Evening.

Marc and Stevie are sat in Marc's bedroom scrolling through Facebook. Marc is twenty and Stevie is nineteen. They both have two very different personalities, but they tolerate each other because they have been friends from a very young age.

I suggested merging the last two sentences together, and edited the sentence that stated they had two very different personalities. There were spelling and grammar issues in the first sentence, then I shoved the two together because I'd always heard you shouldn't start a sentence with "but".

Marc : Danielle just updated her status.

Stevie energetically swivels round on his chair.

Stevie : Whats it say ?

Marc begins to read the status outloud, even though Stevie is looking straight Might I suggest the word "peering"? at the screen.

Marc: Sometimes the answers we are looking for are staring us straight in the face. We just can't see them.

Stevie : shiytt, pretty deep. Not your average thinker. OR , Or maybe she needs a thicker pair of glasses. (said smugly)

Marc : (slightly humoured laugh), I know right , I wish more girls were like this.

Srevie : what? blind ?

Marc : Noooo, just like. . . thoughtful.

Stevie : you know why ?

Marc : Why what ?

Stevie : why girls are becoming less and less thoughtful.

Marc : why ?

Stevie : Because girls think that guys want them to be all manly and shit, like them , one of tha boys.

Marc : Im not sure its exactly like that.

Stevie : trrrust me , I know what im talking about it.

Marc : really. Maybe you could specify that he's speaking with a tone of skepticism. Just to clarify he's not quite buying into his friend's statement.

Stevie : Listen , if a girl acts cool enough to be hanging out with guys, Once she worms her way in, she can take her pick. Trrrust me , female tactics.

Marc : Cmon man, girls aren't that calculated.

Stevie : Wake up Marc ! Girls are fucking geniuses.

Marc clicks on her profile page and clicks on the photo album labelled ' Drunken antics'. They begin to look through her photos. Do girls seriously label their pictures like that? Especially on public pages? Niiiiice.

Stevie : By the looks of things she goes to some pretty cool parties.

Marc : Cool ? There are so many wizards you would think Dumbledore threw this party.

Stevie : So you'd complain if Emma Watson was there ?

Marc stumbles for a second

Marc : well , noo

Stevie : See , she's fucking hot.

Marc : Obviously.

Stevie notices something on the screen that grabs his attention.

Stevie Look at that fucker !

Marc : Where ?

Stevie : There !

Marc : Where am I supposed to be looking?

Stevie grabs the mouse from Marc's hand

Stevie : here gimme that, you handle that thing , like you handle sandwiches,

Marc : Sandwiches?

Stevie : I've seen you make sandwiches, being all delicate and careful. You practically massage the bread.

Marc : Whatever

Stevie zooms in on the image .

Marc : Its just some guy dressed up in a prince's outfit, so what

Stveie : so what ? Hes a gameplaying motherfucker, that's what he is.

Marc : Stevie, There They're at a fancy dress party , he has to dress up as something.

Stevie : the guy's clever I'll give him that . Deceptive, like a seahorse.

Marc : how the fuck are sea horses deceptive ?

Stevie : A horse in the sea ? Horses can't swim!

Marc : you're an idiot . Yes they can, my sister rides horses, They put them in the water to recover from injuries and shit like that

Stevie : your sister can ride me if she likes.

Marc; hah, shut up . I imagine him with a tone of "I'm sick of your shit" sarcastic type of tone here.

Marc : anyway , wait a second.

Stevie : for what ?

Marc : I just need to prepare my brain for another one of your enlightening theories about life.

Stevie : its fucking simple, the way in which girls are trying to seem less thoughtful, guys are trying to seem more thoughtful.

Marc : how ?

Stevie : Have you noticed how guys are making extra effort with there their hair and there their clothes.

Marc : yeah, I guess

Stevie : Back in the day guys never used to give a fuck, they'd be turning up to dates and shit stinkin' of sweat and meat and oil

Marc : oil? Why the fuck oil (laughs)

Stevie : because back in those times men all worked down the mines. Real fucking men .

Marc : im not sure you smell of oil when you work down a mine (laughs)

Stevie : trrruust me , you do. Plus men are fucking pussies nowadays, writing music and shit.

Marc : I write music.

Stevie : exactly.
Anyway , anyway my point is that with guys being all feminine and girls being all manly, the roles are slowly changing.

Marc : How ?

Stevie : Men sounding and acting like women and women acting and sounding like men.

Marc :hmmm

Stevie : trrrust me , there was once a time when all a girl wanted to hear was I love you now if you hit them with that shit, they get a restraining order against you, their dad wants to find , and then kill you. We practically live in a world full of dads like Liam Neeson.

Marc : c'mon man that's a bit extreme.

Stevie : I'm telling 'ya, girls are brutal.

Marc : some, Stevie, some girls are brutal.

Stevie gets up from his chair and stretches.

Stevie : whatever man, I gotta be up early tommorow tomorrow

Marc : for what?

Stevie : for class ?

Marc : since when have you cared about being on time ?

Stevie : since they threatened to kick me off the course. "Out of the class" flows a whole lot better than "off the course" which is a bit awkward

Marc: ahh I see , well , it's a good thing you care.

Stevie : yeah I guess.

Stevie waves

Stevie : adios, amigo

Marc puts a hand up in the air to aknowlege acknowledge the goodbye and smiles (slightly) while spinning back and forth on his chair.

Stevie heads out through the door.

Fade out
Alright. So. This wasn't too bad. It's choppy at bits and your grammar definitely needs work. You don't seem to have a grasp on doing the plural versions of words, or differentiating between they're, their, and there. Your spelling also could use some work. I didn't point out when I fixed many things of this piece, but I hope you can see where I did. Even if this is a screenplay, capitalization and grammar are important. I didn't bother with capitalizing everything that needed it... Sorry

As for the actual story itself, I can see nearly no difference between the two characters as far as intelligence goes. They seem pretty similar. I understand they're both college students, and even intelligent college dude is still that, a dude, but you could try more to get the both of them more depth so we can tell them apart. I do like your grasp on how college boys act, however. You've got a pretty sturdy start, here. Keep writing!
__________________
I'm imagining your brain naked. I'm not impressed.
  Reply With Quote
Reply
Thread Tools

 


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:24 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7 - Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
All writing Copyright © its author(s). All other material Copyright © 2007-2012 Young Writers Online unless otherwise specified.
Managed by Andrew Kukwa (Andy) and Shaun Duke (Shaun) from The World in the Satin Bag. Design by HTWoRKS.