YWO > prom. chapters 1-5
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|08-04-2012, 01:55 AM||View Post #1 (Link) prom. chapters 1-5|
Join Date: Aug 2012
Times Thanked: 0
CAUTION: mature language
Easter Sunday, 2012.
a bomb sat on my front porch
"What the fuck?" were the exact words of my twin sister, Blakely, when we saw it.
We had just returned from Easter lunch at China Garden. Bellies filled to the brim with the timeless American-styled Oriental cuisine, all we wanted to do was take a long nap, but blocking our way to the land of nod was a little Easter basket with a bright red egg sitting patiently in the middle of it.
"Don't touch it!" said Dad. "It could be a bomb." The man always had an overactive imagination, but I guess you have to have one if you are going to write comic books for a living.
"Dad," said Blakely. "That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard."
"Well then you open it."
"I'll do it," I said. It was so hard being the only sane person in the family.
Fearlessly I reached down and popped open the egg. From it a carefully folded piece of spiral notebook paper jumped into my hand. Dad snatched it away from me, later explaining that he thought it may have been a death threat.
"From Reid Davis," he read aloud.
I gasped and snatched the paper back.
Keegan, it read, will you go to prom with me?
Blakely, who had been reading over my shoulder, screamed.
"Oh my God!" she said. "That is the most romantic thing I have ever seen in my entire life!"
two months earlier
Valentine's Day, to be exact.
In my sixteen years of life I had never had a boyfriend. I mean, I had crushes. Millions of crushes. But I never knew what to do once I got one. Flirting was never really my forte. Much unlike my twin sister, Blakely, who flirted with any boy she shared the air with. I don't think she even meant to, it just happened. Her hips were on constant swivel and her eyes on ceaseless batting. She would give me tips, but they never worked. Which really didn't make any sense, considering we looked just alike. Same jet black hair, bright blue eyes, and button noses. Only difference, Blakely's boobs were bigger than mine.
Anyway, back to Valentine's Day. That wonderful fourteenth of February I was shielded away from the annoying couples by the cash register at Abercrombie and Fitch. Yes, I was one of those bitches. It was a good job, though. I mean, you didn't have to apologize for hair in someone's food or change a dirty diaper. Just ring up some clothes and pop a pill of Tylenol every three hours.
Of course, it did have some negatives. For example, that afternoon I had some tight-ass mom bitch at me about an item she found on the sales rack that rung up as regular price.
"I'm very sorry ma'am," I said, remembering the Southern etiquette required of any worker here in the Riverchase Galleria. "Would you please move to the side, and my manger will be with you shortly."
"No," said the woman. "I'll wait fer yer manager ri' here." God she was redneck. Yellowbox flip-flops and skin so tan I thought I was going to get cancer just looking at it. And her daughter was fat. I mean, there was no way in hell she could fit those size six jeans that they supposedly found on the sales rack.
"No ma'am," I said. "You will move or my manager will not speak with you at all."
"Oh he's gonna talk to me. I'm gonna stand ri' here and he's gonna talk to me you little bitch."
You little what?!
"Ma'am," my coworker, Lucas, interrupted. "If you do not cooperate, we will have to ask you to leave."
Her jaw tightened. "You know what? We don't even want these that bad." And with that they left.
"Of course they didn't want them that bad," Lucas whispered to me. "She'd have to lay on her back just to get into them." I smiled. Now I know what you're thinking, and I'll go ahead and shoot you down. Lucas was gay. In fact, all of the guys that worked there were gay. All except Brandon Johnson, and guess who his girlfriend was? Our dear Blakely Buchanan. The two had been going out since we got hired that summer. Brandon was a sophomore at UAB. Chemistry major.
"It's too bad such fine ladies like yourselves have to work on Valentine's Day," he said when we clocked in after school.
"Oh Brandon," Blakely said as he kissed her cheek.
"Hey," he said. "I gotta talk to you after work."
"You do?" Blakely asked.
"Yes. Will you let me?"
"I'll think about it."
So there I was, after work, sitting on the front of Blakely's Volvo while she "talked" to Brandon in his Jeep.
"Could you have at least unlocked the door?" I asked as she skipped back five minutes later.
"What's with you?" I asked noticing her rather frightening grin.
"Brandon asked me to prom!"
get out a map.
And point to the middle of Alabama. That's where I lived. Malia was the name on the water tower. Population: a little less than 5,000. Street lights: a little less than ten.
another thing Blakely was good at.
Ranting. Every night during our forty minute drive home from the galleria I had the pleasure of listening to her goddam gums smack against each other over and over and over again.
"I'm telling you, Kee, I'm gonna marry Brandon. I am. I mean, can you think of anything wrong with him? ... Keegan!"
"Can you think of anything wrong with him?"
"Who the hell do you think?"
I clenched my jaw. That girl really pissed me off sometimes. I mean, seriously, everyone knew that Brandon was fucking perfect. So why the hell did she have to waste my time asking a stupid question like that?
"No," I said. "I can't of anything wrong with Brandon."
It took me everything to not give her the finger.
Then, out of nowhere, Blakely shrieked, "KFC!"
It just about gave me a goddam heart attack.
a right of passage.
KFC was our go to place whenever we had to tell Dad something. You see, the man could never be upset with fried chicken in his belly.
"Okay," said Dad, looking up from his chicken breast. "Good. I like that boy."
"Yeah," Blakely agreed. "He's sweet."
"Mhm. So Kee... Who're you gonna go to prom with?"
"Um..." I said, putting down my drumstick. "I wasn't really thinking of going."
Blakely nearly choked on her Perrier.
"What?!" she coughed. "Why?"
"'cause they suck."
"How would you know?" she asked. "You've never been to one."
Blakely's jaw dropped. "Keegan! I can't go to prom without you!"
"Sure you can. You go on dates without me all the time."
"But this is different. This is prom!" God, that girl needed to grow the fuck up. She was acting as if I wasn't going to her goddam wedding.
"I'll go next year," I said.
Blakely was not satisfied. She called for backup.
Dad took his time wiping his mouth. Blakely moaned and tapped her finger impatiently. I just smiled. The outcome of this conversation was obvious. Dad was going tell Blakely something like the world does not revolve around your goddam head. Then Blakely would get mad and storm out of the room, and Dad and I would move onto the much more interesting subject of comic book superheroes.
But I was wrong. I was very wrong.
Instead he said: "Prom is a right of passage, Keegan. You have to go."
"I have to go?" I repeated in disbelief.
|08-04-2012, 05:45 PM||View Post #2 (Link)|
Join Date: Aug 2012
Times Thanked: 18
This is a very good start to a story.
I would be a little worried about Keegan's personality, right now her sole personality trait seems to be that she's annoyed at everyone and doesn't like prom. You kind of hint that she's jealous of Blakely because of the comment about useless tips, so what I'm saying is this doesn't show very much of her yet.
The other thing is if we don't like Blakely (because she's irritating) and we don't like Keegan yet (because she's always irritated) you should have another character who has a big role that we like because, personally, I can't stand reading a book full of characters I want to slap. Lucas has big promise for such a role; I liked the way he knew Keegan would get mad at the lady and he just smoothed over the whole situation. I don't care whether he's gay, I think he would work well for Keegan's date.
I am also very suspicious of Brandon, because he's too perfect. I would be interesting to see what his faults are and how Blakely responds to them.
And if this is supposed to be the first five chapters of a novel, they are very short chapters, and i'm not completely certain how they're separated.
I don't have much to say about the writing itself, except maybe that the sentences can be a bit choppy:
So, keep going with it and develop the characters so you have a good collection of people that would be interesting to read about.
|08-04-2012, 06:45 PM||View Post #3 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it|
Join Date: Aug 2012
Times Thanked: 0
That gives me a lot to think about.
I was thinking about letting Keegan have a little brother. A positive relationship between an older and younger sibling is always nice. Like when Holden talks about his little sister in The Catcher in the Rye, he suddenly goes from this annoying cry baby to a likable young man with some serious feelings.
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