Hey
I wrote the first bit of this when I was 7(the chorus and first verse) and kinda added onto it as I felt the need to. I always used to dream of moving away from my small, wet country; I still do. But I have other dreams now as well so... yeah. Here it is -

One Day

One Day when I move away,
To the end of the world I will go.
Follow the sun, follow the rain,
Try and walk in every lane.
I will travel 'till I'm traveling no more.

When the world comes to an end,
When stars fall from the skies,
I will travel to the end of time,
I will, I will travel 'till then I dye.

One Day when I move away,
To the end of the world I will go.
Follow the sun, follow the rain,
Try and walk in every lane.
I will travel 'till I'm traveling no more.

When the world goes awol,
When men go mad,
I will continue down the road,
'Till I return to my humble abode.

One Day when I move away,
To the end of the world I will go.
Follow the sun, follow the rain,
Try and walk in every lane.
I will travel 'till I'm traveling no more.

When silence arrives to haunt us,
When they all desert the cause,
Then I will start the journey,
Then I will begin my story.

One Day when I move away,
To the end of the world I will go.
Follow the sun, follow the rain,
Try and walk in every lane.
I will travel 'till I'm traveling no more.

- TheirWatchingUs

I thought it sounded really nice. You should continue on with your song writing.

Originally Posted by TheirWatchingUs Hey I wrote the first bit of this when I was 7(the chorus and first verse) and kinda added onto it as I felt the need to. I always used to dream of moving away from my small, wet country; I still do. But I have other dreams now as well so... yeah. Here it is - One Day One Day when I move away, To the end of the world I will go. Follow the sun, follow the rain, Try and walk in every lane. I will travel 'till I'm traveling no more. When the world comes to an end, When stars fall from the skies, I will travel to the end of time, I will, I will travel 'till then I dye. One Day when I move away, To the end of the world I will go. Follow the sun, follow the rain, Try and walk in every lane. I will travel 'till I'm traveling no more. When the world goes awol, When men go mad, I will continue down the road, 'Till I return to my humble abode. One Day when I move away, To the end of the world I will go. Follow the sun, follow the rain, Try and walk in every lane. I will travel 'till I'm traveling no more. When silence arrives to haunt us, When they all desert the cause, Then I will start the journey, Then I will begin my story. One Day when I move away, To the end of the world I will go. Follow the sun, follow the rain, Try and walk in every lane. I will travel 'till I'm traveling no more. - TheirWatchingUs

Hmm...this is pretty good if you wrote this when you were seven. It doesn't exactly make sense but maybe it sounds better when it's sung. Although, there's this one part: "When the world goes awol" Either "awol" is an actual word and I've just never heard of it or you spelled it wrong. I'm not really sure what it was supposed to be, though.

This was really good! you should definitely continue writing lyrics!

I believe I gave this a crit ticket a while back, almost a month ago I think... Anyways, this is a little late but here is my critique:

The first thing I think you want to determine about this song is whether you want it be arranged according to your 7 year old self or your current self (I don't know how old you are now). Do you want to leave the parts which you wrote when you were younger to remain as they are as an emblem of your childhood. OR would you mind changing the first verse and the chorus slightly in order to create a stronger, more mature song which is more aligned with your current state of mind?

Whichever decision you make will probably affect the rest of the song mainly because the song seems to have a shifts in maturity throughout it.

Originally Posted by TheirWatchingUs Hey I wrote the first bit of this when I was 7(the chorus and first verse) and kinda added onto it as I felt the need to. I always used to dream of moving away from my small, wet country; I still do. But I have other dreams now as well so... yeah. Here it is - One Day I understand you might want to keep this chorus (?) because it might hold sentimental value to you. However, I find it cliche, redundant, blunt, and oddly worded. One Day when I move away, This first line is alright, its a bit cliche and, although not extremely interesting, sets us up for what is to come in the rest of the song. If I were you I would try to introduce the song with something which is a bit more colorful, slightly more vague and a tiny bit less direct. To the end of the world I will go. Again, its not horrible, but its not very creative and is pretty clear-cut, as expected from a seven year old. BUT, if you want make your song better I would certainly suggest the same thing which I suggested for the previous line. Put some color, imagination, and emotion into it. Follow the sun, follow the rain, Cliche and overused. The word "follow" is new but "sun" and "rain" are two commonly used contradictions. Try and walk in every lane. This line makes me want to scream. First of all because it is cliche seeing as the word "lane" seems to replace the word "path". Secondly, it is a forced rhyme which takes away from the meaning of your poem. It seems that the only reason that the word "lane" is used is so that it can rhyme with "rain". I advise against rhyming words on purpose even though it can be very tricky to shy away from. I will travel 'till I'm traveling no more. I find the last line of this section useless. In no way does it advance the plot (dare I call the action of a song a "plot") of your song. In fact it serves no purpose at all, other than possibly a conclusion which is certainly not needed at this time. My main problem with this line is that it is so blunt. Of course you're going to travel until you stop traveling. That goes without saying. Basically, if I understand what you are saying, you are doing an action until you stop doing that action. POINTLESS. I suggest just deleting this line. There is one final thing I would like to advise against here (although it is more of a personal preference). I don't think that songs should open with a chorus. The chorus is meant to wrap the whole song together and to help the verses flow together. In fact, if you listen to most songs (especially rock) you'll notice a change between the music when the song moves from verse to chorus. Most often the music gets a bit tougher and louder. Therefore introducing a song with the chorus can be tricky and probably won't sound as good as if you introduced the song with a verse. Get what I mean? Is this verse below the one you wrote when you were seven? When the world comes to an end, I wouldn't really call this cliche (seeing as it is not even a complete thought/action but it is definitely overused. Furthermore, I don't see what the end of the world has to do with your song. (See this is why I feel the first line of your song was to direct and why you shouldn't open with the chorus, you've already got the point of your song across and now the verses are filled with language, which does not move the song fowards and explain its meaning. Instead it mostly a just a hubblely jubbly pile of words. When stars fall from the skies, See above. What does this have to do with the other parts of your song? Furthermore this is a bit cliche. I will travel to the end of time, Alright... I guess. Cliche-ish. Not very thought out, not very creative. I will, I will travel 'till then I dye. I think you mean "die", no "y", insert an "i". Again, be creative and stuff. This is to blunt, straight-forward. You need adjectives, adverbs, colorful nouns and other words. So far your song lacks beauty and emotion. One Day when I move away, Refer to previous chorus. To the end of the world I will go. Follow the sun, follow the rain, Try and walk in every lane. I will travel 'till I'm traveling no more. This verse seems very "sophisticated" (if I can call it that) compared to the rest of the song. SO as I said earlier, I think you should either stick to "childish" language that a seven year old would use or change the previous verse and choruses to fit more with this new found advancement in language. When the world goes awol, "AWOL" Absent WithOut Leave. A few points here. 1. I think it sounds better "when the world is AWOL" and 2. Again, I don't see the significance of this to your song. It seems like, yet again, just more language which is there to merely sound cool. When men go mad, Basically the same as number 2 above. I will continue down the road, 'Till I return to my humble abode. Another forced rhyme. And still this could use some more imagery. One Day when I move away, To the end of the world I will go. Follow the sun, follow the rain, Try and walk in every lane. I will travel 'till I'm traveling no more. When silence arrives to haunt us, More pointless language. Sounds cool but holds little significance. When they all desert the cause, Same as above Then I will start the journey, Then I will begin my story. One Day when I move away, To the end of the world I will go. Follow the sun, follow the rain, Try and walk in every lane. I will travel 'till I'm traveling no more. - TheirWatchingUs

Alright now that the line-by-line is out of the way, now for the summary. (I forgot how hard it was to critique, its been a while since I've written one).

The first thing I would like to mention is the lack of imagery, or, actually, the lack of usefully imagery. In your song you had plenty of lines which were "cool" sounding.

Spoiler:

(Most of your "cool" sounding yet pointless lines.)

1. When the world comes to an end,
2. When stars fall from the skies,
3. I will travel to the end of time,
4. When the world goes awol,
5. When men go mad,
6. When silence arrives to haunt us,

The imagery you used was very concrete yet, never held any meaning towards the central action of your song.

Just like any good story, your song should have a central theme, action, or plot. HOWEVER, unlike most stories, the theme-action-plot-thingy does not have to be directly stated (in your song it is), often it is more abstract.

Anyways, the theme, action, and/or plot, is most often expressed through the chorus and and explained, detailed, outlined, and drawn through the verses.

The final thing I will mention is the weird pattern which your verses follow. Lets take a look at one of your verses:

When silence arrives to haunt us, When they all desert the cause, Then I will start the journey, Then I will begin my story.

Notice what I am going to call your "when-then" format. You are talking in the future tense. "When this happens then I will do this."

Sure. There isn't anything wrong with this. UNLESS you use it in EVERY SINGLE VERSE. At this point it is troublesome for a couple of reasons:

1. Its annoying.
2. Its way to structured and does not leave room for much creativity and description.
3. Its annoying.
4. ... I had some more reasons but I forgot them...

... Point is, it’s not good. So don't do it.

P.S.

Spoiler:

In order for your song to reach its maximum potential you should probably add a few more lines during each of the verses. I usually aim for 6-8 lines during a verse, especially if the song has a medium to fast tempo. I would keep this in mind, however, everything I mentioned previously is FAR FAR FAR FAR FAR more important than this. Work on your imagery, emotion, and description stuff.

If you found this critique helpful please give me at "Thank You Point" by pressing the green checkmark in the bottom left corner of my post. If you have questions or would like help with any of the points I have made in this critique, please, don't be afraid to shoot me a visitor message or private message. Thanks.

I really dig it, but you need to keep an eye on your rhyme scheme and syllables. Other than that, quality lyrics.

Pretty good for a seven-year-old!
I love the part where you say: "when the world go awol." and the lines following that. they don't follow the rest of the song, but I think you could really work off of those.
A bit cliche.
Some of the words could be improved to be more original and flowing.

-Stone Shark