~Chapter 4~

After what had felt like forever I had arrived at New Haven, Connecticut. I got my class schedule and then went to where I was instructed to my 3 bedroom apartment. I had no idea who I was sharing with though.

I got inside and was eagerly greeted by a spunky brunette. She had green eyes and wore no makeup whatsoever. She was my height, well maybe an inch shorter, and she was pretty muscular.

“Hey! Oh my gosh, it is SO nice to meet you! My name’s Audrey!” she said with a huge grin.

I cleared my throat. “Hey, it’s nice to meet you as well!” I said with a big grin. “My name’s Taylor!”

“Oh my gosh! That’s such a pretty name! Oh my gosh, we’re gonna be such great friends! I can just tell already. Oh my gosh! I love your hair as well! And wow girl you have pretty eyes!” she said. Wow. She is SO nice and friendly! And hyper…

I had wavy dark brown hair with light brown natural highlights. I had brown eyes that sparkled in the sun and long eyelashes. I was fit, and a little taller than normal height. I ran and swam. But through the past couple of years I’ve also become very good at basketball as well.

“Aw! Thank you so much! You’re so beautiful as well!” I said.

“Thanks!!! Now, we’re just waiting for our third roommate right?” she asked me.

“Yup I’m pretty sure!” I said with eagerness. If our other roommate was anything like Audrey then I couldn’t wait to meet her.

“Are we allowed, or is it possible to have a boy roommate?” she asked as I saw her eyebrows furrow a bit.

“Um, I’m not sure. But I hope not.” I told her in all honesty.

“Why?? Are you the type of person that hates partying and boys and all that stuff??” she asked anxiously.

“No I love to party, just, not a fan of ‘love’.” I said with a weird expression.

“Oh… okay well… that will change with me! I’m a HUGE flirt.” She said as her eyes got huge when she said the FLIRT part.

I laughed and said, “I don’t think anything will change but okay, you can try!”

Then our front door had started opening up. We leaned forward in anxiety. Then in walked a blonde girl. She had green eyes. She was really pretty! She was also about 4 inches shorter than us. Audrey and I got up and helped her with her bags into her room. We each had our own room which was nice.

“Hey, my name is Savannah.” She said with a sweet smile.

“Hey! I’m Audrey and this is Taylor!!!” Audrey exclaimed. She definitely had way more energy than Savannah and I put together. I smiled at Savannah and said hi.

“Oh cool! I love your names!” Savannah complimented. Wow. The girls here are all so nice.

“Our names?! Savannah is like the coolest name ever!” I said as Audrey nodded her head in agreement.

She blushed a light pink and said, “Thank you!” She seemed pretty shy. Or a lot more shy then Audrey and I were.

Then after a little while we started telling each other about ourselves.

Audrey started us off, of course. “Well, I have dated a lot of people but only had about 4 real boyfriends, I love to flirt and party. I excel in science and history, but totally flunk in math. I play lacrosse, basketball, and hockey. I love working out because I like to get better at my sports. I used to play drums but haven’t really in a while. I love the color blue and I’m 19 and yeah…” she finished off.

Then it was my turn. “Okay, so… um… I excel in math and English, but totally flunk science. I love partying. I’m usually always wicked outgoing and loud with people I’m comfortable with. I’m a competitive swimmer and have been for about 10ish years now. I also am a really fast runner, and I play basketball. I’ve taken up karate as a hobby as well but I love yoga. My favorite colors are blue, green, and purple. I play guitar and I love it and I’ve been playing for a while. I’m 18, but my birthday is actually tomorrow!” I said with a smile.

Savannah then went after me. “Um, I’ve only had one boyfriend but that’s over now… I love flirting and dating, but I don’t like to commit to a relationship. I’m usually quiet at first when I meet new people, but then I get louder and louder, and a lot more different as I get to know people better. I excel in every subject in school and I’m an extreamly musical person. I don’t play any sports and I’m not interested to. I’ve done competitive cheerleading and that was the extent of my ‘sports career’. I mostly stay on stage acting, singing, or playing instruments. I play bass guitar and piano. I love every color and I’m 19.”

“Wow guys, there’s so much to learn about all of you! I can’t wait until we’re BFF’s!” I said with a humongous grin.

Originally Posted by 2020guitar ~Chapter 4~ After what had felt like forever I had arrived at New Haven, Connecticut So let's talk about tenses. I noticed this in the first three chapters, but because I was expecting the story of Austin's death to be the kind of thing she told in a past perfect tense and then caught up to the real story is past tense, I didn't say anything. But now we're in what seems to be curren time for the MC. So the perfect past tense doesn't really work - perfect past is the use of "had" so "after what had felt" and "I had arrived" as opposed to "after what felt" and "I arrived". The latter of the two - the past tense - is much stronger, and is generally what you should be aiming for most of the time . I got my class schedule I don't know how Yale does it, but given they're a pretty well established institution, I imagine a class schedule would be something they'd have online for the student to look at weeks in advance. That's how most universities I know do it. If you are a student at Yale, or know otherwise that this is how they do it, then I apologize. and then went to where I was instructed to my 3 bedroom apartment. I had no idea who I was sharing with though. I got inside and was eagerly greeted by a spunky brunette. She had green eyes and wore no makeup whatsoever. She was my height, well maybe an inch shorter, and she was pretty muscular. I'm going to ask you: Is her height and musculature important to the story? I like that you say she wears no make-up, and can excuse the description of her eye colour. But the height and musculature just really stands out as needless detail I think you should cut. “Hey! Oh my gosh, it is SO nice to meet you! My name’s Audrey!” she said with a huge grin. I cleared my throat. “Hey, it’s nice to meet you as well!” I said with a big grin. “My name’s Taylor!” “Oh my gosh! That’s such a pretty name! Oh my gosh, we’re gonna be such great friends! I can just tell already. Oh my gosh! I love your hair as well! And wow girl you have pretty eyes!” she said. Wow. She is SO nice This is the second time in only a few lines that you've capitalized "so" to create exaggeration. This is incorrect for two reasons - one, "so" is already a word only used to reinforce something, and two, it should be italicized. But also, let's talk about voice. You've got a girl we've spent the last three chapters reading as very morose and reserved and controlled. But now she's coming across as a valley girl, more like a fourteen year old than anything. They're two contrasting voices. and friendly! And hyper… I really really really really really really really hope this repetition of "Oh my gosh" is on purpose. Whether it is or not, it still is a bit annoying, and speaks ill of you, so if you wanted to portray her as being hyper and friendly, I'd look for a variety of ways to do it. I had wavy dark brown hair with light brown natural highlights. I had brown eyes that sparkled in the sun and long eyelashes. I was fit, and a little taller than normal height. I ran and swam. But through the past couple of years I’ve also become very good at basketball as well. These details are really jarring. For one thing, the place where you've stuck them is really odd, as though you finished rebuilding an old car, found a piece you had forgotten to use, and then stuck it in wherever. Another, do we need to know these details either? Will her eye colour and the way they sparkle in the sun (I'd like to know how she knows this, actually) ever play a part in the story? The details about her activities maybe you could get away with, if you integrated it more - i.e since they're just meeting for the first time, it would make sese for Audrey to ask what kind of things Taylor likes to do. However, I think it's also very telling we only get this information four chapters in. Well past the introduction, when this kind of stuff should be covered. “Aw! Thank you so much! You’re so beautiful as well!” I said. “Thanks!!! Now, we’re just waiting for our third roommate right?” she asked me. “Yup I’m pretty sure!” I said with eagerness It kinda seems like this should be the other way around. I.E Taylor, as the one who has just arrived, should ask Audrey, the one who would know whether or not Ms. Third has shown up or not, if Ms. Third has arrived yet.. If our other roommate was anything like Audrey then I couldn’t wait to meet her. “Are we allowed, or is it possible to have a boy roommate?” she asked as I saw her eyebrows furrow a bit. “Um, I’m not sure. But I hope not.” I told her in all honesty. “Why?? One question mark, please. Are you the type of person that hates partying and boys and all that stuff??” she asked anxiously. “No I love to party, just, not a fan of ‘love’ Who said anything about love?.” I said with a weird expression. “Oh… okay well… that will change with me! I’m a HUGE flirt.” She said as her eyes got huge when she said the FLIRT part. Again, capitalization is being over-used and in the wrong way. Additionally, you're adding too much to your dialogue tags. Most people prefer to just see "she said" because that's an invisible word which they can skip over and don't have to think too hard about. But now you've got these clumsy add-ons like "in all honesty" and "I saw her eyebrows furrow a bit". These are often redundant, as we know she's saying it honestly, and we can imagine the weird face she has when she says she's not a fan of love (I actually did picture one before you pointed it out). It seems like you're trying too hard to create an image in our heads, and the result is rather than just letting one settle naturally, you're spooning out an eye and shoving it clumsily into our brains. I laughed and said, “I don’t think anything will change but okay, you can try!” Then our front door had started opening up "opening up" is such a funny cliche. Technically, it means the door is opening in an upwards direction. We leaned forward in anxiety. Then in walked a blonde girl. She had green eyes. She was really pretty! She was also about 4 inches shorter than us. So you already know what I think of this description, so instead I'll point out your sentence structure. What you have are four short and stumpy descriptive sentences which could easily be melded into one. As a rule, try and use shorter sentences to increase the pacing of a piece, because a quicker sentence increases the tension. Unless we're supposed to be afraid of this new girl, you could stick to the normal, laid back voice your MC has. Audrey and I got up and helped her with her bags into her room. We each had our own room which was nice. Yes, you said it was a 3 bedroom apartment already. “Hey, my name is Savannah.” She said with a sweet smile. “Hey! I’m Audrey and this is Taylor!!!” Audrey exclaimed. She definitely had way more energy than Savannah and I put together. I smiled at Savannah and said hi. “Oh cool! I love your names!” Savannah complimented Going back to what I said about dialogue tags, replacing "said" with something else can backfire incredibly easily. Like now. Because it creates redundancies. We know Savannah is complimenting them, so having you say "Savannah complimented" is just ridiculous, and redundant. Did I say redundant?. Wow. The girls here are all so nice. “Our names?! Savannah is like the coolest name ever!” I said as Audrey nodded her head in agreement. She blushed a light pink and said, “Thank you!” She seemed pretty shy. Or a lot more shy then Audrey and I were. Then after a little while we started telling each other about ourselves. Audrey started us off, of course. “Well, I have dated a lot of people but only had about 4 real boyfriends, I love to flirt and party. I excel in science and history, but totally flunk in math. I play lacrosse, basketball, and hockey. I love working out because I like to get better at my sports. I used to play drums but haven’t really in a while. I love the color blue and I’m 19 and yeah…” she finished off. Then it was my turn. “Okay, so… um… I excel in math and English, but totally flunk science. I love partying. I’m usually always wicked outgoing and loud with people I’m comfortable with. I’m a competitive swimmer and have been for about 10ish years now. I also am a really fast runner, and I play basketball. I’ve taken up karate as a hobby as well but I love yoga. My favorite colors are blue, green, and purple. I play guitar and I love it and I’ve been playing for a while. I’m 18, but my birthday is actually tomorrow!” I said with a smile. So, yeah, this would have been the better time to have fit that awkward description up at the top. Savannah then went after me. “Um, I’ve only had one boyfriend but that’s over now… I love flirting and dating, but I don’t like to commit to a relationship. I’m usually quiet at first when I meet new people, but then I get louder and louder, and a lot more different as I get to know people better. I excel in every subject in school and I’m an extreamly musical person. I don’t play any sports and I’m not interested to. I’ve done competitive cheerleading and that was the extent of my ‘sports career’. I mostly stay on stage acting, singing, or playing instruments. I play bass guitar and piano. I love every color and I’m 19.” “Wow guys, there’s so much to learn about all of you! I can’t wait until we’re BFF’s!” I said with a humongous grin.

So I'll probably stop reading these if you keep posting these, just because now I've realized I wouldn't be the target audience for this. While I'm glad you've finally moved on from the backstory, you've wandered into teen woo-girls exploding over how excited they are.

It's interesting which of the issues carried over from the first few chapters to this one. For example, that lack of depth that I pointed out the past couple of times makes a reappearance. The lack of depth here is still in your MC's thoughts. Other than "these people are SO nice" we don't really get a sense of her. And the issue is tenfold now because you've spent the last three chapters setting her up as this tragic widow-like figure who can't grow attached to everyone... and here she is being perfectly normal. Aside from her admission that she doesn't really "do" love, there's no sense of Austin's death affecting her. It's almost like she's a completely different person and, in effect, it's almost like I'm reading something out of a completely different book. This is why it's disadvantageous to spend three chapters covering the same topic and then then suddenly switch to something else entirely in chapter 4.

I'm going to also repeat my sentiments that there isn't an enticing plot. I know you're probably tired of me saying this. A plot is, at its base, conflict. Conflict is the main character wanting something, and something stopping her from getting it, essentially. I don't know what your MC wants. I don't know what's stopping them from getting it. Maybe she wants a normal life, but the memory of Austin won't stop haunting her, but I don't get that. In four chapters I can't figure out what your MC is after - and that's something that should have been covered almost right away.

I'm not saying you have to get into the main conflict right off the bat. Harry Potter doesn't start with Harry searching for the Philosopher's Stone, and Star Wars doesn't start with Luke Skywalker getting hand cut off by his crispy daddy. But both of those stories have a small plot-within-a-plot that is incredibly common in successful books. They start with a small conflict that's good enough to keep the reader going - Harry is being bullied by his cousin and wants it to stop, and Luke Skywalker is incredibly bored of his humdrum life and wants a way out. The key word there is "want".

Taylor doesn't want anything. We've spent three chapters talking about something that happened already, and was structured more like a retelling than a story with plot and characters and conflict. By the time we get here, to a spot where there are characters and it's not just your MC recounting details, it's shallow conversations about what each character likes and what they look like. You've managed to go farther from conflict than you originally were before, and now, four chapters in, you haven't really got an excuse.

So when I say that I don't see a plot in your story, that's what I mean.

Originally Posted by 2020guitar ~Chapter 4~ After what had felt like forever I had arrived at New Haven, Connecticut. I got my class schedule and then went to where I was instructed to my 3 bedroom apartment. I had no idea who I was sharing with though. I got inside and was eagerly greeted by a spunky brunette. She had green eyes and wore no makeup whatsoever. She was my height, well, maybe an inch shorter, and she was pretty muscular. “Hey! Oh my gosh, it is SO nice to meet you! My name’s Audrey!” she said with a huge grin. I cleared my throat. “Hey, it’s nice to meet you as well!” I said with a big grin. “My name’s Taylor!” “Oh my gosh! That’s such a pretty name! Oh my gosh, we’re gonna be such great friends! I can just tell already. Oh my gosh! I love your hair as well!not too many people use 'as well' in conversation And wow girl you have pretty eyes!” she said. Wow. She is SO nice and friendly! And hyper…i think hyper should be the focus of taylor s observation I had wavy dark brown hair with light brown natural highlights. I had brown eyes that sparkled in the sun and long eyelashesthats an odd way for one to describe themselves considering one would never see that. its also a tiny bit conceited. I was fit, and a little taller than normal height. I ran and swamon a team? as a hobby? specify. But through the past couple of years I’ve also become very good at basketball as well. “Aw! Thank you so much! You’re so beautiful as well!” I said.again with the as well... it sounds strange “Thanks!!! Now, we’re just waiting for our third roommate right?” she asked me. “Yup I’m pretty sure!” I said with eagerness. If our other roommate was anything like Audrey then I couldn’t wait to meet her.taylor must like the hyper types “Are we allowed, or is it possible to have a boy roommate?” she asked as I saw her eyebrows furrow a bit. “Um, I’m not sure. But I hope not.” I told her in all honesty. “Why?? Are you the type of person that hates partying and boys and all that stuff??” she asked anxiously.anxiously ? “No I love to party, just, not a fan of ‘love’.” I said with a weird expression.the idea is clever but it didnt work here “Oh… okay well… that will change with me! I’m a HUGE flirt.” She said as her eyes got huge when she said the FLIRT part.why is flirt capitalized ? I laughed and said, “I don’t think anything will change, but okay, you can try!” Then our front door had started opening up. We leaned forward in anxiety. try anticipation , not anxiety Then in walked a blonde girl. She had green eyes. She was really pretty! She was also about 4 inches shorter than usi find it off putting how ur characters seem to have mastered measuring by inches instantly. the exact measurement comparisons are unrealistic. Audrey and I got up and helped her with her bags into her room. We each had our own room which was nice.make note of this earlier , not now “Hey, my name is Savannah.” She said with a sweet smile.kinda weird she didnt speak until now. no greeting at the door? “Hey! I’m Audrey and this is Taylor!!!” Audrey exclaimed. She definitely had way more energy than Savannah and I put together. I smiled at Savannah and said hi.unnecessary . shes hyper thats clear, but this extra comment just interrupts the flow “Oh cool! I love your names!” Savannah complimented. Wow. The girls here are all so nice.it was fine the first time but please discontinue the 'Wow.'s “Our names?! Savannah is like the coolest name ever!” I said as Audrey nodded her head in agreement.audrey is the hyper one. i feel like taylor stole her line She blushed a light pink and said, “Thank you!” She seemed pretty shy. Or a lot more shy then Audrey and I were. Then after a little while we started telling each other about ourselvesthats an off putting jump there. Audrey started us off, of course. “Well, I have dated a lot of people but only had about 4 real boyfriends, I love to flirt and party. I excel in science and history, but totally flunk in math. I play lacrosse, basketball, and hockey. I love working out because I like to get better at my sports. I used to play drums but haven’t really in a while. I love the color blue and I’m 19 and yeah…” she finished off.what led to this? whats going on besides? be careful with heavy dialogue Then it was my turn.why not savannah? was that the designated order? if so, make note “Okay, so… um… I excel in math and English, but totally flunk science.isnt it odd shes following audreys pattern of speech ? I love partying. I’m usuallyusually always ? pick one always wicked outgoing and loud with people I’m comfortable with. I’m a competitive swimmer and have been for about 10ishu already put 'about' so 10ish is redundant....and oddly used, slang or not years now. I also am am also , not also ama really fast runner, and I play basketball. I’ve taken up karate as a hobby as well but I love yoga. My favorite colors are blue, green, and purple. I play guitar and I love it and I’ve been playing for a while. I’m 18, but my birthday is actually tomorrow!” I said with a smile. Savannah then went after me. “Um, I’ve only had one boyfriend but that’s over now… I love flirting and dating, but I don’t like to commit to a relationship. I’m usually quiet at first when I meet new people, but then I get louder and louder, and a lot more different as I get to know people better. I excel in every subject in school and I’m an extreamlyextremely musical personi dont like that sentence, its awkward.. I don’t play any sports and I’m not interested to. I’ve done competitive cheerleading and that was the extent of my ‘sports career’. I mostly stay on stage acting, singing, or playing instruments. I play bass guitar and piano. I love every color and I’m 19.” “Wow guys, there’s so much to learn about all of you! I can’t wait until we’re BFF’s!” I said with a humongous grinthat is an oddly cliche statement.

it was pretty good. just watch your characterisation