YWO > The Heart of Life
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|05-29-2012, 12:14 AM||View Post #1 (Link) The Heart of Life|
Join Date: May 2012
Times Thanked: 3
After what had felt like forever I had arrived at New Haven, Connecticut. I got my class schedule and then went to where I was instructed to my 3 bedroom apartment. I had no idea who I was sharing with though.
I got inside and was eagerly greeted by a spunky brunette. She had green eyes and wore no makeup whatsoever. She was my height, well maybe an inch shorter, and she was pretty muscular.
“Hey! Oh my gosh, it is SO nice to meet you! My name’s Audrey!” she said with a huge grin.
I cleared my throat. “Hey, it’s nice to meet you as well!” I said with a big grin. “My name’s Taylor!”
“Oh my gosh! That’s such a pretty name! Oh my gosh, we’re gonna be such great friends! I can just tell already. Oh my gosh! I love your hair as well! And wow girl you have pretty eyes!” she said. Wow. She is SO nice and friendly! And hyper…
I had wavy dark brown hair with light brown natural highlights. I had brown eyes that sparkled in the sun and long eyelashes. I was fit, and a little taller than normal height. I ran and swam. But through the past couple of years I’ve also become very good at basketball as well.
“Aw! Thank you so much! You’re so beautiful as well!” I said.
“Thanks!!! Now, we’re just waiting for our third roommate right?” she asked me.
“Yup I’m pretty sure!” I said with eagerness. If our other roommate was anything like Audrey then I couldn’t wait to meet her.
“Are we allowed, or is it possible to have a boy roommate?” she asked as I saw her eyebrows furrow a bit.
“Um, I’m not sure. But I hope not.” I told her in all honesty.
“Why?? Are you the type of person that hates partying and boys and all that stuff??” she asked anxiously.
“No I love to party, just, not a fan of ‘love’.” I said with a weird expression.
“Oh… okay well… that will change with me! I’m a HUGE flirt.” She said as her eyes got huge when she said the FLIRT part.
I laughed and said, “I don’t think anything will change but okay, you can try!”
Then our front door had started opening up. We leaned forward in anxiety. Then in walked a blonde girl. She had green eyes. She was really pretty! She was also about 4 inches shorter than us. Audrey and I got up and helped her with her bags into her room. We each had our own room which was nice.
“Hey, my name is Savannah.” She said with a sweet smile.
“Hey! I’m Audrey and this is Taylor!!!” Audrey exclaimed. She definitely had way more energy than Savannah and I put together. I smiled at Savannah and said hi.
“Oh cool! I love your names!” Savannah complimented. Wow. The girls here are all so nice.
“Our names?! Savannah is like the coolest name ever!” I said as Audrey nodded her head in agreement.
She blushed a light pink and said, “Thank you!” She seemed pretty shy. Or a lot more shy then Audrey and I were.
Then after a little while we started telling each other about ourselves.
Audrey started us off, of course. “Well, I have dated a lot of people but only had about 4 real boyfriends, I love to flirt and party. I excel in science and history, but totally flunk in math. I play lacrosse, basketball, and hockey. I love working out because I like to get better at my sports. I used to play drums but haven’t really in a while. I love the color blue and I’m 19 and yeah…” she finished off.
Then it was my turn. “Okay, so… um… I excel in math and English, but totally flunk science. I love partying. I’m usually always wicked outgoing and loud with people I’m comfortable with. I’m a competitive swimmer and have been for about 10ish years now. I also am a really fast runner, and I play basketball. I’ve taken up karate as a hobby as well but I love yoga. My favorite colors are blue, green, and purple. I play guitar and I love it and I’ve been playing for a while. I’m 18, but my birthday is actually tomorrow!” I said with a smile.
Savannah then went after me. “Um, I’ve only had one boyfriend but that’s over now… I love flirting and dating, but I don’t like to commit to a relationship. I’m usually quiet at first when I meet new people, but then I get louder and louder, and a lot more different as I get to know people better. I excel in every subject in school and I’m an extreamly musical person. I don’t play any sports and I’m not interested to. I’ve done competitive cheerleading and that was the extent of my ‘sports career’. I mostly stay on stage acting, singing, or playing instruments. I play bass guitar and piano. I love every color and I’m 19.”
“Wow guys, there’s so much to learn about all of you! I can’t wait until we’re BFF’s!” I said with a humongous grin.
|06-03-2012, 04:38 PM||View Post #2 (Link)|
Join Date: Apr 2012
Times Thanked: 115
It's interesting which of the issues carried over from the first few chapters to this one. For example, that lack of depth that I pointed out the past couple of times makes a reappearance. The lack of depth here is still in your MC's thoughts. Other than "these people are SO nice" we don't really get a sense of her. And the issue is tenfold now because you've spent the last three chapters setting her up as this tragic widow-like figure who can't grow attached to everyone... and here she is being perfectly normal. Aside from her admission that she doesn't really "do" love, there's no sense of Austin's death affecting her. It's almost like she's a completely different person and, in effect, it's almost like I'm reading something out of a completely different book. This is why it's disadvantageous to spend three chapters covering the same topic and then then suddenly switch to something else entirely in chapter 4.
I'm going to also repeat my sentiments that there isn't an enticing plot. I know you're probably tired of me saying this. A plot is, at its base, conflict. Conflict is the main character wanting something, and something stopping her from getting it, essentially. I don't know what your MC wants. I don't know what's stopping them from getting it. Maybe she wants a normal life, but the memory of Austin won't stop haunting her, but I don't get that. In four chapters I can't figure out what your MC is after - and that's something that should have been covered almost right away.
I'm not saying you have to get into the main conflict right off the bat. Harry Potter doesn't start with Harry searching for the Philosopher's Stone, and Star Wars doesn't start with Luke Skywalker getting hand cut off by his crispy daddy. But both of those stories have a small plot-within-a-plot that is incredibly common in successful books. They start with a small conflict that's good enough to keep the reader going - Harry is being bullied by his cousin and wants it to stop, and Luke Skywalker is incredibly bored of his humdrum life and wants a way out. The key word there is "want".
Taylor doesn't want anything. We've spent three chapters talking about something that happened already, and was structured more like a retelling than a story with plot and characters and conflict. By the time we get here, to a spot where there are characters and it's not just your MC recounting details, it's shallow conversations about what each character likes and what they look like. You've managed to go farther from conflict than you originally were before, and now, four chapters in, you haven't really got an excuse.
So when I say that I don't see a plot in your story, that's what I mean.
|07-17-2012, 06:33 PM||View Post #3 (Link)|
Join Date: Jul 2012
Times Thanked: 15
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