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Old 07-18-2011, 01:12 AM View Post #1 (Link) The Best of Both Worlds [Need help with ending!]
Bwandls (Offline)
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So, this is a script I started writing a little while ago, and I'm just at a total road block and have no idea where to take it. I need some fresh eyes to read it and see what they think, or where they see it going...

I'm assuming you guys know what all the tech-heavy abbreviations mean [INT. SHOT - Interior Shot/ ECU - Extreme Close Up/MLS - Medium Long Shot, ex.].

I hope you like it, and I hope someone can inspire something that'll help the ending!!! :3

Spoiler:
INT. SHOT – MLS - NARRATOR SITTING ON BENCH, LOOKING INTO CAMERA W/ PARK BACKDROP.

[NARRATOR is looking into camera monotonously, a secret in their eyes. The backdrop is a park or a residential neighbourhood on a sunny day.]

NARRATOR: Once, there were two stories. One was real, and one was fiction. Both are stories you’ve heard before.

[Cut to ECU of girls feet walking, until a man walks by her. Camera drifts from girl to man, following man’s feet as he gets on bus.]

In the first story, a homeless man gets on a bus and sits next to a girl. The girl sees the flowers in the man’s hand, and they are so beautiful that she has to ask him what they’re for. He tells her they’re for his wife, because it’s her birthday. He gets off the bus and walks into a cemetery.

[Freeze frame.]

The next story is very much like the first, but not quite.

[Shots play out backwards as the story rewinds to just after the man passes the NARRATOR.]

In this story, there is still a man, a bus and a girl, but there is no flowers and no dead wife. In this story,


AND, I'm stuck. Opinions/Ideas? D: I feel like this has great potential. Anything will help.

Once the script is done and we finish filming, maybe I'll post it on youtube for you guys!
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Old 07-18-2011, 04:44 PM View Post #2 (Link)
x3naurus (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Bwandls View Post

You say "ending..." are you sure you don't mean "beginning?" And middle? And end?

Spoiler:
INT. SHOT – MLS - NARRATOR SITTING ON BENCH, LOOKING INTO CAMERA W/ PARK BACKDROP.

[NARRATOR is looking into camera monotonously, a secret in their eyes. The backdrop is a park or a residential neighbourhood on a sunny day.]

NARRATOR: Once, there were two stories. One was real, and one was fiction. Both are stories you’ve heard before.

[Cut to ECU of girls feet walking, until a man walks by her. Camera drifts from girl to man, following man’s feet as he gets on bus.]

In the first story, a homeless man gets on a bus and sits next to a girl. The girl sees the flowers in the man’s hand, and they are so beautiful that she has to ask him what they’re for. He tells her they’re for his wife, because it’s her birthday. He gets off the bus and walks into a cemetery.

[Freeze frame.]

The next story is very much like the first, but not quite.

[Shots play out backwards as the story rewinds to just after the man passes the NARRATOR.]

In this story, there is still a man, a bus and a girl, but there is no flowers and no dead wife. In this story,


Problems: You say "In this story" and have all of these literature-type elements in here. Revise: try to get it more script-like. for example, you can give away elements and revealance on the script, because "we" are acting it out, not reading to see what happens. So... an example of how you should put it:

NO- This time, the man walks past a mysterious building and finds a key on the ground. He doesn't know quite what to do with it, or if it will open the door to the building, so he puts it in his pocket.

YES-

ENTER: DON

Don

Walks past building, picks up key on ground, put in pocket.

~
Yeah, I'm not too good on how you're supposed to write it impromptu, but you should check out this site.
So... you want something to continue on? I'll try to help with that:

What you're trying to do is... --

-- by the way, maybe think of a new title? I think it's too giving. Think about it after you're done finishing it --

--... make a story about a mysterious... legend, perhaps. Both are obviously in resemblance... and one is fiction, and the other is real. It perhaps gives the audience something to... think about when they watch the two stories, side-by-side. Maybe the story that is obviously fake, or the one that is the most disatisfying (depressing, evil, mistaken) is the one that is real.

Innocence. Innocence is key in a suspenseful story. (It's not really, but I love innocence. Everyone loves innocence.) Center the story about an innocent character/idea. Take things away. Give the rich and corrupt more riches, and give the pure and poverty-stricken more suffering.

Orr.... make them both EXACTLY the same stories, but at one moment, they both make a different choice, and it throws them both far from each other... even changes the fate of their families, their ideal, their world.


You're going to have to write a bit more than what you did for me to help you with immediate endings... right now I'm just thinking of things. You didn't constrain anything, therefore this story could go anywhere.
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Old 08-29-2011, 05:01 PM View Post #3 (Link) Critique
Riv (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Bwandls View Post
So, this is a script I started writing a little while ago, and I'm just at a total road block and have no idea where to take it. I need some fresh eyes to read it and see what they think, or where they see it going...

I'm assuming you guys know what all the tech-heavy abbreviations mean [INT. SHOT - Interior Shot/ ECU - Extreme Close Up/MLS - Medium Long Shot, ex.].

I hope you like it, and I hope someone can inspire something that'll help the ending!!! :3

Spoiler:
INT. SHOT – MLS - NARRATOR SITTING ON BENCH, LOOKING INTO CAMERA W/ PARK BACKDROP.

[NARRATOR is looking into camera monotonously, a secret in their eyes A secret in their eyes? Be careful with this--writing a script is a lot different than writing a story. In a story, you can use metaphors and descriptions that sound nice and make the writing interesting. But it will be hard to film someone with "a secret in their eyes". Maybe change that to "Sits looking mysterious" at the very least. . The backdrop is a park or a residential neighbourhood on a sunny day.]

NARRATOR: Once, there were two stories Um... no. Haha sorry, just... This is too storybook cliche to me, and the sentence is choppy. Would someone really say that? And is there any sort of opening, or do you REALLY want to delve right into the main plot? . One was real, and one was fiction. Both are stories you’ve heard before. Again, cliche, choppy, and fast. You've got to revise, and make it more realistic and less cliche.

[Cut to ECU of girls feet walking, until a man walks by her. Camera drifts from girl to man, following man’s feet as he gets on bus.]

In the first story, a homeless man gets on a bus and sits next to a girl. Is the narrator still speaking?[/COLOR] The girl sees the flowers in the man’s hand, and they are so beautiful that she has to ask him what they’re for. He tells her they’re for his wife, because it’s her birthday. He gets off the bus and walks into a cemetery. I've got to say that this is cool. Plot twists are the best. But where's the dialogue? Where's the descriptions of everything happening? This is MUCH too condensed to be a script

[Freeze frame.] Freeze frame? When I hear freeze frame, I think The sort of... you know, clay animation stuff.

The next story is very much like the first, but not quite. Reword please!

[Shots play out backwards as the story rewinds to just after the man passes the NARRATOR.]

In this story, there is still a man, a bus and a girl, but there is no flowers and no dead wife. In this story, Did It get cut here? I'm not sure...


AND, I'm stuck. Opinions/Ideas? D: I feel like this has great potential. Anything will help.

Once the script is done and we finish filming, maybe I'll post it on youtube for you guys!
The first thing I have to say is that it left me with a bit of interest, but not nearly as much as it should. For the most part, it makes me want to know what's going to happen in hopes that something interesting is going to happen.

The wording and such is much too cliche. It feels rushed, like someone whipped it up in a few minutes and didn't bother to revise. Reword it and make it more interesting! You don't have much of a story going on here, either. Something about two stories, which I've heard before? It just leaves me sort of confused. If you post the rest of the script that you've used to film, maybe I can critique it better, but I can't do a very good critique with this--there's no dialogue, no real plot to the story, and nothing much I can say but you should finish it before I can really critique it.
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