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View Post #1 (Link) Jailbirds |
Abstract Thinker
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Texas, USA
Posts: 36
Points: 20.98
Times Thanked: 9
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Spoiler:
Well this is it...my work it progress...my baby. Whatever you want to call it. Just want to see what people think of it. I know the plot is a bit thin right now but it gets better soon, promise ![]() ![]() |
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View Post #2 (Link) |
Novice Writer
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Rio Rancho
Posts: 10
Points: 7.33
Times Thanked: 5
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You call it thin and I call it an introduction. =) I'm actually rather bumbed that there wasn't more to read. You did an awesome job on this. I've only read a few people's work who could acuratly do stage directions and actions in a script and you have been added to my list (and let me tell you, there are some PUBLISHED playwrites that can't do stage directions worth a crap).
Everything in your scrip flowed well. It was connected to a central theam. Of course the actors are what's really going to make this play come to life, but the words and the rythem of the whole things brought the words to life. You gave good charater development just in these two scenes (also a thing some published playwrites lack). You also leave just enough stage directions out so that it can be interperated by the actor or by the director or stage manager. All of your dialog is nautral, organic; almost like you were just a recorder in a conversation. There actually isn't anything to edit really. Haha. Your grammar is good, sentence structure, everything. I'm cerious to see more! You must keep writing this! =) Oh. And I mean no direspect, and not to pry but if I may make a segestion... I had a friend, the year I graduated, the acting teacher actually loved her play so much that he actually had his class perform it. She got to call all the shots. You might want to try that out, you never know where it might take you. =) |
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View Post #3 (Link) |
Aspiring Author
Join Date: May 2009
Location: None a yo goddamn business, fool.
Posts: 511
Points: 30
Times Thanked: 120
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Wow, I really liked this! It was well-written, interesting, fast-paced...just clear up the grammatical errors (just commas and whatnot) and you're all good! Also, I think the formal spelling of "Yeah," is with an "h," but that's only a nitpicky thing and just in case you want to publish this. I'm liking how easily we can figure out the characters' personalities; and though this a script, it has all the plot and suspense of a story. Keep this up! It's great!
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View Post #4 (Link) |
Novice Writer
Join Date: May 2011
Location: NYC
Posts: 18
Points: 4.75
Times Thanked: 3
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Your script is going pretty good so far. It's nice and flows very well. I like it. I really want to read more.
For the first part of scene one, is Clayton talking indifferently to the police? Is scene 2 a flashback? because if it is you have to mention it in your script or else the readers wont know. No setting for scene 2? |
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View Post #5 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it | |
Abstract Thinker
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Texas, USA
Posts: 36
Points: 20.98
Times Thanked: 9
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Scene 2 is a flashback but they should be able to tell because in Scene I, it says (Lights up on Clayton, a young man in his younger to mid-20s...) and in Scene II, it says (...a younger Clayton, 18 or 19...). By this the reader should be able to understand that, yes, we have gone back in time. There is setting for Scene II. (Lights up on two jail cells around a little right of center stage. In one there is a man in his 30s. In the other is a younger Clayton, 18 or 19. They are both dressed in orange jumpsuits. Clayton looks over at man, then looks down, ignoring him) Jail cells and orange jumpsuits? Doesn't that make you think that they're in jail? I would have liked more of a critique... |
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View Post #6 (Link) This post contains more of my work |
Abstract Thinker
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Texas, USA
Posts: 36
Points: 20.98
Times Thanked: 9
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Here's Scene III. I'd really like some help on it. I'm not sure if I should end it how it is here, or add more. Feel free to tear it apart. I like speculation!
![]() Scene III (Lights up on Man asleep in his cell. We then see Clayton and the Officer walk from stage right.) Clayton: I’m tired of the crap in this place! Can’t you at least treat me like a human?! Officer: You are being treated like a human, son. Treated like a human that’s done this society wrong. (Officer is trying to hold on to Clayton’s arm but Clayton keeps pulling away) Clayton: (yelling) I think even a human that’s done wrong should be given respect, don’t you?! (Man wakes up because of the noise and begins to listen to the argument.) Officer: You think you deserve respect? Well, do you think you were showing your girlfriend and baby inside her respect when you beat the crap out of her? (Clayton turns around and clenches his hand into a fist. Man sits up and looks.) Officer: I have a whistle around my neck, but I’m choosing not to use it. You just put that hand down and life is gonna be a whole lot easier for you. (Clayton puts his hand down) Officer: You’re smarter than I thought. (Officer opens door to Clayton’s cell, leads him in, then shuts and locks the door. Clayton then proceeds to walk over to his bed and sits down and puts his head in his hands.) Man: He’s a liar. Clayton: What the heck are you talking about? Man: The officer. He said that you were smarter than he thought. (laughs) Well, that’s a lie. Clayton: (Stands up) Are you calling me stupid? Man: No, I’m saying that policemen don’t think. Now sit down, you’re making yourself look stupid. Clayton: You’re really starting to piss me off. Man: That’s not very hard to do. You’ve seemed to be pissed off at the world ever since you got here. Clayton: Well, weren’t you? Man: No, not really. I was more miserable and pitiful. I cried all day long when I first got put in here. I probably seemed crazy…just like I’ve been told I am. It just wasn’t fair. It wasn’t my fault. I didn’t deserve to be put in here. I was a good husband and father. I was a High School counselor who had no record ‘til this. Clayton: Whoa, wait. You were a- Man: (Interrupting) Yes, I was a counselor. And now I get counseling. Ohoho! Clayton: What are you in here for again? Second-hand smoking or something? Man: First-degree murder, perhaps. Clayton: Uh. Man: You seem so indifferent to everything. What’s your problem? Clayton: Maybe I just don‘t care. Did you think about that? I don’t want to hear you ramble on all day about your problems, when I have my own. Man: Not just indifferent, but defensive… Clayton: You know what? Just shut up! I don’t need you to be my counselor. Nothing can help me, because I don’t want it or need it. At least you’re in here for life, when I get out of here I have to face the outside world of judgment and hatred. Man: Who said that I was in here for life? Clayton: Well, you killed someone, so it’s either life or… (Gets look of realization on his face) Man: Death? Yeah. (Lights down as Man sits down on his bed.)
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Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/user/DialogueAttack?feature=mhee Need stories to read on my channel, so please PM me if I can read yours ![]() |
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View Post #7 (Link) | |
Aspiring Author
Join Date: May 2009
Location: None a yo goddamn business, fool.
Posts: 511
Points: 30
Times Thanked: 120
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__________________
Friendly reminder: Chances are, you're slouching right now. If you're not, good for you. Here's a cookie. If you are -- SIT UP STRAIGHT BITCH. GOOD POSTURE AIN'T A JOKE. Chat Hall of Fame: Spoiler:
Carr's Words of Wisdom Spoiler:
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View Post #8 (Link) |
Novice Writer
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Rio Rancho
Posts: 10
Points: 7.33
Times Thanked: 5
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Awesome job on this third scene. It works perfectly with the rest. I think it's cool that you don't have an actual name for "Man" and he never introduces himself, and I don't know if you have something planed for it like some dramatic ending where he learns of his mentor-type's name; either way, I love it. =) Please keep me posted!
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View Post #9 (Link) |
Novice Writer
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 13
Points: 7.07
Times Thanked: 1
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Your dialogue game is strong. Sounded like a true story tho...
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