If this is too long for some of you, then feel free not to critique all of it. I'd really like some help with this piece, and I appreciate any that can be given.

A night, dreamt sour in a
bone city, and the torches lit
the hallways
that didn’t have walls, and

there’s a father with
a daughter with
no face. But a mutt stood
beside her, licked a star

on her forehead, and
remembering the look of
the preacher, and how he’d
draped a white silk gown

on the fireplace’s fury—
and the fabric had risen,
a rising beast – but then
charred, and fallen, like a

man leaving his blanket, and
the flames were nostalgic;
the risen monster of a dark
explosion, she thought

of the night she’d watched her
mother, and her arms couldn’t
shield her womb. Thoughtful,
the glazed familiarity that

pinched her face, and
prayed to god and told him
ineffectually that she
was blonde, untroubled and dying.

Playing with line breaks, it seems.


A night, dreamt sour in a As a rule, of late, I avoid weak line enders like "a". Enders like that carry absolutely no weight, and while I understand that a lot of lines end on dainty words, a is an eye sore and sounds awkward. Carry it over to the next line.
bone city, and the torches lit
the hallways
that didn’t have walls, and

Work on connecting these two stanzas, one and two. They feel unrelated. "and" doesn't serve to connect them, shit's never that easy. You need a better transition, give me something in the first stanza that I can follow into the second stanza. You didn't even give me an idea to carry through with me.

there’s a father with
a daughter with
no face. But a mutt stood
beside her, licked a star

You got wordy with the "with"s. There's three syllables of excessiveness. "With no face", why not simply "faceless"? That way, you sneak an alliteration with "f" sounds in there and it sounds even cooler.

on her forehead, and
remembering the look of
the preacher, and how he’d
draped a white silk gown

All weak line enders, ugly, sounds ugly, looks ugly. All three enders carry no weight, they only serve to transition which can easily be done in the next line down. It's prettier all around. Also, with "he'd", it's generally best not to end lines with pronouns, if you do, you sacrifice flow and aesthetics again.

on the fireplace’s fury—
and the fabric had risen, You've established the movement of the fabric with "risen", so, why the redundancy in your imagery? We already have a picture, it's rising, give us something else, new, intriguing.
a rising beast – but then
charred, and fallen, like a

You can do better than "rising beast", especially directly following the fabric that has risen. And the "a", you know why.

man leaving his blanket, and
the flames were nostalgic;
the risen monster of a dark
explosion, she thought

Lend me some insight as to how a "man leaving his blanket" can be described as "charred, and fallen". Is it a security blanket? It's original, it's intriguing--but only because it makes not one lick of sense to me.

of the night she’d watched her
mother, and her arms couldn’t
shield her womb. Thoughtful,
the glazed familiarity that

Pronoun thing.

pinched her face, and
prayed to god and told him
ineffectually that she
was blonde, untroubled and dying.

All for aforementioned reasons.


I think these stylistic breaks hurt you. They cut you off at the most awkward and seemingly random times. It was a bit awkward and chunky to read.

You've many weak line endings that ugly things up a little, which is why I'd suggest reformatting this.

I'd also suggest developing the story more. I think this could be a great story poem, but we're missing gaps and clarity that would come with further development.

If it was you intention to have these chunks as an ode to many different takes on one particular humid night, you should reformat entirely and not suggest with how you transition (albeit turbulently) that the stories are connected. If this is the case, you need to make different accounts apparent to the reader.

On a final note, "bone city" is amazing and well nestled into the first stanza. It's a lovely image, but unfortunately, it was one of the only things I liked about this. I think you should rework this and re-present it because it has a great potential.

Pippa, you're beautiful. I love you, thank you.