Alright, shout out to Schooner for the critique on the original story. I'm thinking that I may stretch this story into a novel. I'm thinking of getting serious on this story, but I might not because I have a lot of other ideas for other stories. ><
I wonder if this version is any better than the original... :/
We'll see.
Note: I suck at grammar. xP
Alright, *gets pillow*, rip it to shreds people. I'm ready.

Note: Part Two shall be in shortly. I need more points. ><

____________________________________
Time: Unknown
Date:Unknown
Location:Unknown
Status: -----------

I woke up with a scream stuck in my throat. I couldn't scream. I couldn't say anything, just gasp. It was all too....horrifying to be even considered true. My nose burned with the scent of old, spoiled, black blood. I was submerged in a tub of it. I looked at my surroundings. The white linoleum walls were smeared with graffiti and blood. Like what a four year old would do to a wall with a bottle of ketchup, I thought sarcastically, glad that I still had sarcasm, if not my sanity.

I knew what I was lying in was blood and not some kind of foul brew because of its scent. It was rotten eggs and copper combined. The roof of my mouth was sticky with it. A wave of nausea hit me like a train.
What the hell happened to me? I thought.

The dusty light bulb was unbearably bright, even though I knew that it should have been faint. It was bright and it hurt my eyes. I noticed there was a puddle of blood next to the tub. It was covered in dead flies. I suppressed the urge to gag and throw up. It reminded me of that bathroom in Saw.
I wanted to cry.
I was that scared.

I leaned my head against the cracked wall. I whimpered and recalled the memories from a few nights ago. They were sharp and full of adrenaline.

I was walking down the streets of my home- New York. I was going home from my tutoring class. New York was the same at night as it was in the day-noisy and full of people. I was just going past the stairs to the old subway when I heard my little sister Julia’s voice saying, “Andy! Help me.” It was barely a whimper and I blinked. How could I have heard such a faint noise?

I pushed through the crowd to go down the stairs of the abandoned station. I remembered I didn’t see Julia at school, either. She never missed school. I walked slowly down the stairs. Faint light illuminated half of the transit. I shivered as a cold breeze blew towards me. “Help me.” Julia’s voice echoed. The sound was coming from Terminal 7. I broke into a run. “Julia!” I yelled, my sneakers clomping and squeaking on the floor. I stopped. Something felt wrong. Terribly wrong.

I slowed to a walk, my shoes now made soft, muffled tapping noises that echoed throughout the terminal. The lights buzzed above me.
Then I saw him.

He had pale skin and bright blue eyes that glowed with hunger. He smiled sadistically. "Wh-who are you?" I stammered, my mind screaming for me to run. This man...with his marble skin and his too perfect face...he was one of Them. I couldn't believe it, I thought they were just fiction, but I somehow sensed he wasn't at all human.

He was leaning against the wall opposite from me, hands in his pockets, his tongue playfully licking his needle sharp canines. He wore all black so that I could barely see him as he seemed to be made of the shadows around him. Who am I, you ask? You must mean what am I, boy." He purred. He reminded me of a cat playing with a mouse before killing it with a snap of its teeth. Feral. Dangerous.
Why did he look so…familiar?

He pushed off the wall with a combat boot adorned foot. He was about ten, fifteen feet away from me. My mind was racing so fast, I couldn't calculate. My heart thundered in my ears. He walked calmly towards me. My sneakers squeaked as I stepped back. His pace quickened casually. His gaze looked as if it was directed to the dirty tiled floor. He said one sentence per step. "What I am? I'm certainly something one should be afraid of, no? I can already see you're already afraid. You stink of fear. Mildly put: should I introduce myself before your death, monsieur? It won't matter anyway. You're going to depart in a very gruesome demise.” He had a French lilt to his baritone voice. It was faint, but I could tell it was French. His face crumpled in disgust.

I willed my legs to run, but only my mouth could move. "What have you done with my sister?" My voice was surprisingly strong for the fear I was experiencing. "Help me." He said in Julia's voice. "Simply nothing, Monsieur Andrew. I did nothing to the girl." He eyed me with amusement. "You can't move, can you? Did you know that once you look straight into a vampire’s eyes, you’re paralyzed? It’s an interesting notion, you see. It’s a very effective part in the kill. It’s also very effective in making one’s repose painfully and agonizingly slow.I also adore the fact that only the mouth may move, so then I may take relish in your screams. It makes it all so much more entertaining.” He licked his lips. No, no, this is not how I imagined my death. I silently wished this was all just a prank and I would go home safely and forget all of this.

He was right in front of me now.

"It was easy luring you in here, Andrew. You're nothing but a fish going for the gleaming hook. You were always naive, Andy. Always. I have you now." His smile grew even more creepy.

“Who are you?!”
I screamed.
He grasped my throat and held me up. I choked on my own saliva.
Oh God, now I’m gonna die by the hand of some emo Pepe Le Pew. I suppressed the urge to laugh ruefully. I knew I was going to die, so why laugh? I mentally smacked myself.

"I am...Michael, remember? You stole her away from me. She was...precious to me. I can't have her because of you." He tightened his grip. I gasped in both pain and realization.

"You're not Michael. Mikey doesn't look like that."

"Andrew, I am Michael. Your best bud. I've come for you now, buddy." He hissed the word buddy.He scowled in disgust. For a moment his face flickered, from a teenage boy's face with large wire frame glasses to a monster that was made out of screaming faces that looked like they were melted together. It looked like a clay bust gone horribly wrong.

My last thought was how I remembered Mikey always was trying to hold on to his accent even though he had been in America for seven years. Was this really him?
I smiled ruefully.
Mikey, my best friend.

He then brought his lips down to my neck.
And bit.
And gnawed.
Slowly.
Painfully.

I screamed.
And screamed.
And screamed.
I screamed until I tasted blood in the back of my throat.

Then....nothing.

I flashed to the real world. I wished it would be a nightmare that would just end, but my mind told me it would never end. I wanted to get up, but I felt too weak to and the stench grew even more unbearable each time I moved. I wished to die right there.
Aren't you already dead? My mind asked me.
I put my hand over my heart.
Nothing. Just nothing.
I moaned and hoped this was just a bad dream and I would wake up and-
The door opened.

Originally Posted by Geek Alright, shout out to Schooner for the critique on the original story. I'm thinking that I may stretch this story into a novel. I'm thinking of getting serious on this story, but I might not because I have a lot of other ideas for other stories. >< I wonder if this version is any better than the original... :/ We'll see. Note: I suck at grammar. xP Alright, *gets pillow*, rip it to shreds people. I'm ready. Note: Part Two shall be in shortly. I need more points. >< ____________________________________ Time: Unknown Date:Unknown Location:Unknown Status: ----------- Sorry, is all that stuff ^ part of the story? What does it relate to? I woke up with a scream stuck in my throat. <- If the scream is stuck, it's kind of taken for granted that the protagonist can't scream. Though, discounting that, it's a good, grabbing opening. I couldn't scream. I couldn't say anything, just gasp. It was all too....horrifying to be even considered true <- "For me to take in", possible better wording. That sentance is a little clumsy, and I would ditch the elipses. (sp?). My nose burned with the scent of old, spoiled, Spoiled black blood? Kind of odd description, but I'll run with it for now. black blood. I was submerged in a tub of it. I looked at my surroundings. The white linoleum walls were smeared with graffiti and blood. Like what a four year old would do to a wall with a bottle of ketchup, <- First half good, second half not so much. Drop the bit about him being "glad" to still have sarcasm. I thought sarcastically, glad that I still had sarcasm, if not my sanity. I knew what I was lying in was blood and not some kind of foul brew because of its scent. It was rotten eggs and copper combined. The roof of my mouth was sticky with it. <- Good description here. A wave of nausea hit me like a train. I get the effect you're going for, but describing nausea like a train just doesn't really fit for me. This may be a personal thing, but I would use a different word. What the hell happened to me? I thought. The dusty light bulb was unbearably bright, even though I knew that it should have been faint. Eh? It's a light bulb, why should it have been faint? It was bright and it hurt my eyes. <- Reword this sentance, something like "the illumination hurt my eyes" or something. I noticed there was a puddle of blood next to the tub. It was covered in dead flies. I suppressed the urge to gag and throw up. It reminded me of that bathroom in Saw. No, ditch movie references. I wanted to cry. I was that scared. This bit doesn't really work too well, because we don't know anything about the protagonist. The reader doesn't know if this person has a strong constitution or whatever, therefore cannot gauge how bad the situation is by this admission. I leaned my head against the cracked wall. I whimpered and recalled the memories from a few nights ago. They were sharp and full of adrenaline. How are memories full of a adrenaline? I was walking down the streets of my home- New York. "in" New York would be better. I was going home from my tutoring class. New York was the same at night as it was in the day-noisy and full of people. <- Again kind of clumsy wording here, you could probably get a good bit in about "the city that never sleeps" I was just going past the stairs to the old subway when I heard my little sister Julia’s voice saying, “Andy! Help me.” It was barely a whimper and I blinked. How could I have heard such a faint noise? That's what he's wondering? What about the sister, and more importantly, why is it strange to hear her voice. Is she dead? What? You just need a little bit of explanation or build. I pushed through the crowd to go down the stairs of the abandoned station. I remembered I didn’t see Julia at school, either. She never missed school. I walked slowly down the stairs. Faint light illuminated half of the transit. I shivered as a cold breeze blew towards me. <- These descriptions seem kind of clunky and disjointed. The story isn't flowing very well. “Help me.” Julia’s voice echoed. The sound was coming from Terminal 7. I broke into a run. “Julia!” I yelled, my sneakers clomping and squeaking on the floor. I stopped. Something felt wrong. Terribly wrong. A little cliche, try and get this point across in your own way. I slowed to a walk, my shoes now made soft, muffled tapping noises that echoed throughout the terminal. Don't spend so much time on his shoes. It's extranious information. The lights buzzed above me. Then I saw him. He had pale skin and bright blue eyes that glowed with hunger. I would really go overboard on describing this mystery man, as this seems to be quite an important part of the story. Skin and eyes doesn't give much of an image. He smiled sadistically. "Wh-who are you?" I stammered, my mind screaming for me to run. This man...with his marble skin and his too perfect face...he was one of Them. I couldn't believe it, I thought they were just fiction, but I somehow sensed he wasn't at all human. Pretty good apart from the last phrase, it's kind of obvious there's something off about this guy, so try something more subtle than "not human." He was leaning against the wall opposite from me, hands in his pockets, his tongue playfully licking his needle sharp canines. <- That's a good image. He wore all black so that I could barely see him as // New sentance here, ditch the as. he seemed to be made of the shadows around him. "Who am I, you ask? You must mean what am I, boy." He purred. He reminded me of a cat playing with a mouse before killing it with a snap of its teeth. Feral. Dangerous. Why did he look so…familiar? Things are picking up now, I quite like the descriptions here. There is more you could do, but this is pretty solid writing. He pushed off the wall with a combat boot adorned foot Horribly unwieldy phrase here, we don't really need to know about his footwear. . He was about ten, fifteen feet away from me. My mind was racing so fast, I couldn't calculate. Calculate what? The distance? Because at this point I'm pretty sure the last thing your protagonist is going to be doing, is trying to work out how far away this (I'm going to go with Vampire) is. My heart thundered in my ears. He walked calmly towards me. My sneakers squeaked as I stepped back. His pace quickened casually I'd say "quickened almost imperceptably." Just possible better wording. . His gaze looked as if it was directed to the dirty tiled floor. He said one sentence per step. "What I am? I'm certainly something one should be afraid of, no? I can already see you're already afraid. You stink of fear. Mildly put: should I introduce myself before your death, monsieur? It won't matter anyway. You're going to depart in a very gruesome demise.” Kind of random babble this guy's got going here, take more time to think out this little monologue so that it hits home. He had a French lilt to his baritone voice. It was faint, but I could tell it was French it was there. His face crumpled in disgust. Wierd image here. I willed my legs to run, but only my mouth could move. <- Again, kind of cliche here. "What have you done with my sister?" My voice was surprisingly strong for the fear I was experiencing. "Help me." He said in Julia's voice. "Simply nothing, Monsieur Andrew. I did nothing to the girl." He eyed me with amusement. "You can't move, can you? Did you know that once you look straight into a vampire’s eyes, you’re paralyzed? It’s an interesting notion, you see. It’s a very effective part in the kill. It’s also very effective in making one’s repose painfully and agonizingly slow.I also adore the fact that only the mouth may move, so then I may take relish in your screams. It makes it all so much more entertaining.” <- This is a better piece of dialogue from the Vampire. It's not perfect, but it flows alot better, and gets the point across. He licked his lips. No, no, this is not how I imagined my death. Well how did he imagine it? Why does he have his own death planned out? I'd drop this bit completely. I silently wished this was all just a prank and I would go home safely and forget all of this. And I'd probably get rid of this too, it doesn't help at all. He was right in front of me now. "It was easy luring you in here, Andrew. You're nothing but a fish going for the gleaming hook. You were always naive, Andy. Always. I have you now." His smile grew even more creepy. Better word here. “Who are you?!” I screamed. He grasped my throat and held me up. I choked on my own saliva. Oh God, now I’m gonna die by the hand of some emo Pepe Le Pew. I suppressed the urge to laugh ruefully. I knew I was going to die, so why laugh? I mentally smacked myself. You need to keep up the consistancy, he was petrified a moment ago, and now he's making snarky comments to himself. It doesn't fit. You need to decide what kind of character this kid has, then stick to it. "I am...Michael, remember? You stole her away from me. She was...precious to me. I can't have her because of you." He tightened his grip. I gasped in both pain and realization. "You're not Michael. Mikey doesn't look like that." "Andrew, I am Michael. Your best bud. I've come for you now, buddy." He hissed the word buddy.He scowled in disgust. For a moment his face flickered, from a teenage boy's face with large wire frame glasses to a monster that was made out of screaming faces that looked like they were melted together. It looked like a clay bust gone horribly wrong. My last thought was how I remembered Mikey always was trying to hold on to his accent even though he had been in America for seven years. Was this really him? I smiled ruefully. Why on Earth would he be smiling now? Mikey, my best friend. He then brought his lips down to my neck. And bit. And gnawed. Slowly. Painfully. You could probably do this bit through normal prose and get just as good, if not, a better effect. I guess this is up to you, but it deosnt' seem neccesary to have all these new lines etc. I screamed. And screamed. And screamed. I screamed until I tasted blood in the back of my throat. See above. Then....nothing. I flashed to the real world. I wished it would be a nightmare that would just end, but my mind told me it would never end. I wanted to get up, but I felt too weak to and the stench grew even more unbearable each time I moved. I wished to die right there. Aren't you already dead? My mind asked me. I put my hand over my heart. Nothing. Just nothing. <- That is is good way of clueing the reader in. I moaned and hoped this was just a bad dream and I would wake up and-Can this kid stop wishing it "was all a bad dream" its very cliche, and you keep repeating it. The door opened.

All round this was a fairly good piece of writing, but I think you have a problem with characterisation. I know virtually nothing about Andy by the end of this, in terms of his character. As I've mentioned, the way he acts is very inconsistent. You have him screaming one moment, then mentally mocking the Vampire the next. He either has to be a panicky youth, or he can be a snarky, sarcastic one, but both doesn't work.

The way he is lured into the subway is pretty weak in my opinion and it happens way too quickly. Its just a point, like the description of the Vampire, that you could expand on quite alot. There are issues here and there with cliche lines and situations here. You need to take a scene like this and put your own unique stamp on it, make it yours.

You could add alot more punch to the realisation that the Vampire is/was his best friend, which begs the question of why there seems to be some kind of animosity between the two. Stealing someone away, etc. It doesn't seem like their friendship was that good.

Anyways, it was pretty good, and it kept my intrest well enough, which is always a good point. Just work on some of the stuff I've pointed out, there's plenty of potential here.

Hope this helps, Jamie.

Originally Posted by Geek Alright, shout out to Schooner for the critique on the original story. I'm thinking that I may stretch this story into a novel. I'm thinking of getting serious on this story, but I might not because I have a lot of other ideas for other stories. >< I wonder if this version is any better than the original... :/ We'll see. Note: I suck at grammar. xP Alright, *gets pillow*, rip it to shreds people. I'm ready. Note: Part Two shall be in shortly. I need more points. >< ____________________________________ Time: Unknown Date:Unknown Location:Unknown Status: ----------- After reading through the whole thing, this bit here seems incredibly out of place and unnecessary and just...random. I have no idea what it is or why it's here, other than you just wanted to throw in the fact that the narrator has no idea what time it is, where he is, or what day it is. It just doesn't really fit and throws off the mood of the rest of the story. I woke up with a scream stuck in my throat. I couldn't scream. Scream is used too soon after each other right here. It's a little repetitive sounding. If the scream is stuck in the narrator's throat and you establish that, than we're aware of the fact that she can't scream. I'd jump right into the next sentence after the first, eliminating the second. Also, the next sentence is worded kind of oddly, with the phrase at the end. After eliminating the second sentence, I'd also reword and add words to the next one to give a little more description. "I couldn't even say anything as I sat up from my bed; I could only gasp as if..." Just a little something more would make it more interesting to read. I couldn't say anything, just gasp. It was all too.... I don't think an ellipsis is necessary here, but if you want to keep it, make sure you only have three periods lined up. Any more or any less is just incorrect. horrifying to be even even be sounds a lot better and makes the sentence flow better considered true. My nose burned with the scent of old, spoiled, black blood. I was submerged in a tub of it. I looked at my surroundings. You should put a semicolon here instead of a period to further explain the surroundings they're in and make the t in the next "the" lowercase. The white linoleum walls were smeared with graffiti and blood. comma here, not a period, because you're still in the same thought Like what a four year old would do to a wall with a bottle of ketchup, I thought sarcastically, Period should go here instead of a comma to introduce a new line of thought. glad that I still had sarcasm, if not my sanity. I knew what I was lying in was blood and not some kind of foul brew because of its scent. I feel like you need a little more here. "because of its scent" sounds so simple. Describe the scent here. Not like what you do in the next sentence, but throw in an adjective; rancid, horrific, etc. Also, what kind of blood? A pool of blood? Freshly spilled blood? The sentence as a whole sounds a little choppy to me. If it were me, I would add in a semicolon after blood and get rid of "and" and reword the next phrase. "...; the rancid, metallic scent of the air tightening around me gave me the knowledge that it wasn't just some kind of foul brew." Really amp up your description in places where a lot of description can be used so you put a clear image in the reader's mind. It was rotten eggs and copper combined. I think you need to combine the previous sentence with the next one. A simple comma and "and" in between the two will do the trick and you'll avoid the choppiness of the two if they stood alone. The roof of my mouth was sticky with it. A wave of nausea hit me like a train. What the hell happened to me? I thought. When writing in the first person, phrases such as "I thought" are completely unnecessary. Writing in first person gives a writer and reader direct access into the character's head. So saying the narrator's thoughts without proceeding them or following them with a "I thought" or something similar isn't just acceptable but preferred. It makes the reader feel like they're right here in the story, if that makes sense. Here it would not be necessary because you want to keep the dramatic effect of the question, but in some instances, instead of saying flat out "I thought", have the narrator say "I wondered what the hell happened to me." For example. Like I said, it can go either way, you just have to figure out which is best, and right here, simple stating the question that's in her mind is much more dramatic than adding in a "I thought about what the hell happened to me" or something of the like. Hopefully I'm making sense xP The dusty light bulb was unbearably bright, even though I knew that it should have been faint. Why does the narrator feel/know that it shouldn't be bright? Is it the dustiness of the light bulb that makes her think so? If it is, how can she even look at the bulb to tell it's dusty if it's so bright? Clean up this sentence a little and be a bit more specific. It was bright and it hurt my eyes. You already mentioned that the lightbulb was bright, so that's incredibly repetitive, and the fact that you described it as unbearably bright gives the reader the sense that it's not fun to look at and can't be too easy on the eyes. Get rid of this unnecessary sentence. I noticed there was a puddle of blood next to the tub. It was covered in dead flies. I'd like a lot more description here. There was this, there was that, it was this. Give us some sensory words, and make us know what the character is thinking; "There was a puddle of blood next to the tub and the walls were smeared with red, giving me the need to suppress many gags finding their way to my throat." You can give us insight into the narrator's mind without having them directly think something and get rid of those choppy sentences all in one. Also, "It was covered in dead flies" should be combined with the sentence before it; after "puddle of blood" I'd add in "covered in dead flies." Also...I'm finding it hard to picture a pool of blood "covered" in dead flies. That means that there seems to be more flies than blood, which is a repulsive image I must say, and I don't think it's your intention. Maybe dotted with dead flies would be better? I just don't think it's covered with them, considering the flies are probably covered in the blood in instead of the other way around anyway. I suppressed the urge to gag and throw up. It reminded me of that bathroom in Saw. This is poor description. Keep in mind that this won't mean anything to a good portion of your readers. For instance, I've never seen any Saw movie. I guess I could imagine what a bathroom in the movie looks like, but I shouldn't have to imagine something myself. You need to describe in your own words the scene. If you want, think of the bathroom in Saw and describe that instead of just coming out and saying that's what it looked like. References to things that not everyone will be able to refer to leaves out a lot of readers. I wanted to cry. I was that scared. I've wanted to cry a lot of times in my life, so the narrator wanting to here doesn't really prove the emotions that she's feeling. "I felt a herd of sobs start to make their way to my throat, and I automatically curled up into a fetal position and closed my eyes as tight as I possibly could, trying to both shield myself from my surroundings and pretend that it was all just a horrible nightmare." This is just an example, but not only is this much more dramatic of a scenario than simply wanting to cry, but you describe without bluntly saying so what the narrator is feeling right now. While it's good to state feelings rather than just actions in a story, sometimes it's unnecessary to do so, as actions speak louder than words, (though...yeah, a story is all words but you get what I mean) Explaining what a character is doing is sometimes more than enough for the reader to guess how she's feeling. Plus, it's a whole lot more interesting to read, no? I leaned my head against the cracked wall. comma to replace the period and "and whimpered as I recalled..." would sound a lot better here. Try to avoid short, choppy sentences if you can combine them with another choppy one to make it more interesting. I whimpered and recalled the memories from a few nights ago. They were sharp and full of adrenaline. This is another sentence I'd eliminate. You're describing the memories, so why not do it right when you introduce them? it "...recalled the sharp and adrenaline-filled memories from a few..." This is how you avoid the choppy sentence here. I was walking When? In the memory? I'm sure you think that's obvious, but it isn't to all people. I'd start off this sentence with "In these memories, I was walking..." down the streets of my home- New York. Okay, first, this isn't the correct place for a dash. A semicolon would be appropriate instead to further explain her home. Second, I would say "my home city" instead, because literally, her home isn't the whole state of New York, but probably a place within it. Third, it's kind of abrupt and awkward to cut it off like that and just spit out "New York". Maybe end the sentence with "my home city" and start a new one explaining this part of where she lives. "Walking the streets of New York always made me feel awesome" period. Know what I mean? You can give a little more explanation to the character as well as reveal the home of which she is referring to. I was going I'd use a different word here rather than "going". It sounds so simple and plain and boring. Even "heading" has a better sound to it. Also add in an adverb before "going" or the verb you change it to to describe her mood at this point. Warily, happily, contently, etc. home from my tutoring class. New York was the same at night as it was in the day-noisy and full of people. Okay first, no dash. A colon is needed here. Second...so? What does this have to do with anything? I'd add a comma after "people" and start off the next phrase with "so..." because otherwise I don't know how this affects the narrator at all. Is she happy about this fact? Does that mean she feels safer because even though it's late there's a lot of people around? Say so. If it's just a random fact thrown in there, then it's completely unnecessary, which is what it sounds like right now. I was just going past "passing" instead of "going past". Sounds much less wordy the stairs to the old subway when I heard my little sister Julia’s voice saying Is she really just saying this? Or is she yelling it, gasping it, etc. Even if you describe the sound of it next, you can't just say that she said it. Saying is normal, too normal, and doesn't give the next description of her voice justice, “Andy! Help me.” It was barely a whimper and I blinked. This is an example of a compound sentence that just doesn't make sense. Two sentences should be combined if the ideas expressed in both relate to each other in some way. For example, if you were to describe the voice and continue to say something of the voice or how it made the character felt it could be combined. For example; "It was barely a whimper, and the sound of it made a chill race up my spine. Blinking really doesn't connect with the sound of the voice directly enough to have them in the same sentence. Really, though, I think you should describe the voice earlier, say "...sister Julia's voice cry out in a sort of whimper, "Andy!"..." And then have "I blinked" be it's own sentence. That would be an example of an effective choppy sentence, because it leaves a type of suspense in the reader.[/color] How could I have heard such a faint noise? I pushed through the crowd to go down go down is so plain sounding. Give us more descriptive words to tell us exactly how the character is going down the stairs the stairs of the abandoned station. I remembered I didn’t When writing in the past tense and referring to something before the current story, "had" is almost always necessary. "hadn't seen her in school" is correct. see Julia at school, either. Right here I would add what the narrator feels about this realization and then add a semicolon at the end to flow into the following sentence. It flows much better than just simply stating she never missed school, and it gives the reader the reason why this statement is so critical and nerve racking. She never missed school. This should be a new paragraph. I walked slowly Again, I'm itching for more descriptive words here. Simply walking slowly doesn't tell me much about the inner thoughts of the narrator. Even adding "My heart was racing a mile a minute as I walked slowly..." would make up for the lack of description there. Really try to add description to and combine your choppy sentences. down the stairs. Faint light illuminated half of the transit. These two sentences, the one previous and the one next, are examples of sentences that I would definitely combine. They express somewhat of the same idea - the atmosphere of the transit - and should be combined. Add in a comma "and" after "transit" in the previous sentence to do so. Just a note, because I saw you had a mistake with this before: When combining a sentence with another, a comma is needed before the conjunction such as "and" or "but" if the next sentence is a complete sentence aka independent. A comma is not needed before the conjunction if the next sentence is not complete. (For example: "I walked to the station, and I tiptoed past the guard." Both phrases are independent sentences and can stand alone. "I walked to the station and tiptoed past the guard" does not need a comma because the second phrase is a dependent sentence because it is lacking a subject.) I shivered as a cold breeze blew towards me. “Help me comma here, not a period” Julia’s voice echoed. The sound was coming from Terminal 7 Is the narrator sure of this? Or does it just sound like her voice is coming from this place? I'm not sure it's something one can be positive about. I broke into a run. “Julia!” I yelled, my sneakers clomping and squeaking on the floor. These previous few phrases need to be completely reworded. They just don't flow right and are too choppy. I'd say something like "My sneakers clomped and squeaked on the floor as I ran towards her voice, yelling her name repeatedly. I stopped. This is supposed to be abrupt, I know, but it's too abrupt. "Suddenly, I stopped." makes the pacing a little better and makes it more dramatic, considering the narrator was running full speed and then comes to a sudden stop. Something felt wrong. semicolon here, not a period. Terribly wrong. I slowed to a walk, my shoes now made making soft, muffled tapping noises that echoed throughout the terminal. Too choppy the next sentence is. [ / yoda ] Combine it with the previous one. ", the lights buzzing..." The lights buzzed above me. Then I saw him. He had pale skin and bright blue eyes that glowed with hunger. He smiled sadistically Describe his smile, his teeth, how the narrator feels when he does. Make this sentence longer. "Wh-who are you?" I stammered, my mind screaming for me to run. This man comma here with his marble skin and his too perfect face...he was one of Since you capitalized "Them" I'm assuming it's a certain them you're talking about. I'd rather see a comma after "face" as well and the ellipsis here, before Them. I'd also italicize "Them" to emphasize it. Them. I couldn't believe it, semicolon here I thought they were just fiction, but I somehow sensed he wasn't at all human. I'd try rewording this sentence. It doesn't really make a lot of sense to me right now, so I'm not really sure how to suggest you do this, but I would clear it up. It sounds like you're trying to say that even though the narrator thought these things were make believe, they still seem to be other worldly which isn't possible. I would definitely change "fiction" into something like, "I thought they didn't exist, that they had just been made up in the stories I'd heard" something along those lines, and I'd clear up what the significance of sensing that he wasn't human is. He was leaning against the wall opposite from me, his hands in his pockets, his tongue playfully licking his needle-sharp canines. He wore all black I'd change "so that I could..." to something more like "...black, making it nearly impossible to see him as he stood hidden in the shadows." so that I could barely see him as he seemed to be made of the shadows around him. "Who am I, you ask? You must mean what am I, boy," he purred. He reminded me of a cat playing with a mouse before killing it with a simple snap of its teeth. Feral. Dangerous. Why did he look so…familiar? He pushed off the wall with a combat-boot-adorned foot. When putting together words like this to describe something else, dashes are needed. He was about ten, either ten or fifteen "at least ten feet away" "at most fifteen feet away" fifteen feet away from me. My mind was racing so fast, "Too fast to be able to calculate" sounds more flowy here I couldn't calculate. My heart thundered in my ears. as he walked calmly towards me gets rid of the choppiness He walked calmly towards me. My sneakers squeaked as I stepped back. when his pace quickened His pace quickened casually. His gaze looked as if it was directed to the dirty tiled floor. The whole beginning of this paragraph is really lacking description. Add in what the character is feeling as this happens, what he notices about the man before him, what he's doing as he walks forward, what the floor that he is walking on is like etc. Description is really necessary here. He said one sentence per step. "What am I? I'm certainly something one should be afraid of, no? I can already see you're already pick a spot for "already". Either here or before in the sentence, but not both places. afraid. You stink "reek" is a bit more powerful, I think of fear. Mildly putcomma instead should I introduce myself before your death, monsieur? It won't matter anyway semicolon and lowercase "you're" You're going to depart in a very gruesome demise.” He had a French lilt to his baritone voice. It was faint, but I could tell it was French. His face crumpled in disgust. [color=red]This last sentence should come right after his dialogue. It sounds too random after describing his voice and then going to his face, or at least add a bit more to the end of this, like "as he continued towards me."[/color[ I willed my legs to run, but only my mouth could move. "What have you done with my sister?" My voice was surprisingly strong for the fear I was experiencing. When a new character speaks, a new line should be formed. "Help me," he said in Julia's voice. "Simply nothing, Monsieur Andrew. I did nothing to the girl." He eyed me with amusement. "You can't move, can you? Did you know that once you look straight into a vampire’s eyes, you’re paralyzed? It’s an interesting notion, you see. It’s a very effective part in the kill. It’s also very effective in making one’s repose painfully and agonizingly slow. Only the adverbs here should be in italics, not the whole phrase. I also adore the fact that only the mouth may move, so then I may take relish in your screams. Here I don't understand at all why this is italicized. Italics are used for emphasis on a particular word, and it just makes no sense to have this phrase be in italics/emphasized It makes it all so much more entertaining.” He licked his lips as he what? What kind of lips? I need something else here.. No, period here makes it more dramatic. No, this is was=past tense. Make sure not to use present tense verbs when writing in the past not how I imagined my death. I silently wished this was all just a prankcomma and I would go home safely and forget all of this. He was right in front of me now. I'm sure he can see him a lot better because of this, so describe him. Make us see the fear the narrator is experiencing by viewing him up close. "It was easy luring you in here, Andrew. You're nothing but a fish going for the gleaming hook. You were always naive, Andy. Always. I have you now." His smile grew even more creepy. Creepy isn't too harsh of a word for me for this type of situation. I'd try something more like "menacing" or "threatening" or "frightening". Also, what does this growth in his smile have as far as effect goes on the narrator? I'm sure he's more frightened, but express it. “Who are you?!” keep how the character says something on the same line as the dialogue I screamed. He grasped my throat and held me up. I choked on my own saliva. These two sentences are too choppy and completely lack description. Add a little more to them, give them some pizazz. Oh Godsemicolon now I’m gonna die by the hand of some emo Pepe Le Pew. I suppressed the urge to laugh ruefullysemicolon I knew I was going to die, so why laugh? I mentally smacked myself. "I am...Michael, remember? You stole her away from me. She was...precious to me. I can't have her because of you." He tightened his grip. combine these two. Also, what kind of realization? I gasped in both pain and realization. "You're not Michael. Mikey doesn't look like that." "Andrew, I am Michael. Your best bud. I've come for you now, buddy." Repetitive to say "bud" and then "buddy" He hissed the word buddy. I'd make this more a way that he says this than it's own sentence, like... "...buddy," he scowled in disgust, hissing the final word." He scowled in disgust. For a moment comma after prepositional phrases his face flickered, no comma here from a teenage boy's face with large wire frame glasses What else about the boy's face? Freckles? Wide blue eyes? Give me at least one more description of it to a monster that was made out of screaming faces that looked like they were melted together. It looked like a clay bust gone horribly wrong. My last thought was how I remembered "remembering how" sounds better Mikey always was was always sounds better here, as well trying to hold on to his accent even though he had been in America for seven years. Was this really him? I smiled ruefully. Mikeysemicolon my best friend. He then brought his lips down to my neck. And bit. And gnawed. Slowly. Painfully. These shouldn't be on different lines. Different sentences, definitely, but keep them all on the same line. I screamed. And screamed. And screamed. I screamed until I tasted blood in the back of my throat. Same with these. Then....nothing. I flashed to the real world. Physically or mentally? I wished it would be "this was" instead of "it would be" because it's happening now, it's not going to happen in the future a nightmare that would just end, but my mind told me it would never end. I wanted to get up, but I felt too weak to comma and the stench grew even more unbearable each time I moved. I wished to die right there. Aren't you already dead? My mind asked me. I put my hand over my heart. Nothing. Just nothing. I moaned and hoped this was just a bad dream and I would wake up and- The door opened. [color=red]I like the ending, but you already mentioned how the narrator already wished that this was just a bad dream and that he would wake up. Don't be so repetitive.

Well, I liked it. The overall concept was interesting and kept me interested as I read along, not knowing what was happening but wanting to. You do have a few flaws you need to work on though. A big one, the most major one really, is your description. Description is so important to a story, especially in ones like this where there is so much to describe and it's most likely a place and situation that no one has been in before, so that the reader can really get a visual of the story.

Also, I'm kind of confused. I remember in the beginning the narrator is reminiscing on a memory, but isn't it the same night that all of this is happening? That really confused me, so I'm not sure what exactly the memory is and if it's supposedly this whole vampire thing than what was with the beginning and the pool of blood and then the door opening at the end...in that respect it was kind of all over the place.

Also work on your punctuation use. Look up on Google or some search engine the correct use of punctuation and you should be good.

Another major thing is these choppy sentences. You need to work on combining short sentences that are able to be combined or adding more to a short, dull sentence. Description is what keeps the reader interested, so I would really try to work on this. You can always edit out some description if it starts to sound too wordy. I think it's a lot easier than going back and adding it in.

But otherwise, as I said it was a good plot and had good suspense, but for that type of suspense a lot more sensory words and insight into the character's thoughts are needed. I'm sure if you fix this up though it could be really very intriguing. Let me know if you have any other questions

Originally Posted by Geek Alright, shout out to Schooner for the critique on the original story. I'm thinking that I may stretch this story into a novel. I'm thinking of getting serious on this story, but I might not because I have a lot of other ideas for other stories. >< I wonder if this version is any better than the original... :/ We'll see. Note: I suck at grammar. xP Alright, *gets pillow*, rip it to shreds people. I'm ready. Note: Part Two shall be in shortly. I need more points. >< ____________________________________ Time: Unknown Date:Unknown Location:Unknown Status: ----------- I think this was quite unnecessary here, this doesn't give any information and if it did, still shouldn't be there; you should be able to capture that in the story. I woke up with a scream stuck in my throat. I couldn't scream. I couldn't say anything, just gasp. It was all too.... I don't really like the .... part here, it feels out of place.horrifying to be even considered true. My nose burned with the scent of old, spoiled, black blood. You have '...old, spoiled, black...' in this sentence. Terminate one, preferably old. Old is quite bland here, plus it sounds like you're listing it almost. I was submerged in a tub of it. I looked at my surroundings. The white linoleum walls were smeared with graffiti and blood. Like what a four year old would do to a wall with a bottle of ketchup, I thought sarcastically, glad that I still had sarcasm, if not my sanity. I knew what I was lying in was blood and not some kind of foul brew because of its scent. It was rotten eggs and copper combined. The roof of my mouth was sticky with it. A wave of nausea hit me like a train. What the hell happened to me? I thought. The dusty light bulb was unbearably bright, even though I knew that it should have been faint. What? How does the person know it should be faint? It was bright and it hurt my eyes. I noticed there was a puddle of blood next to the tub.Reword this please, it sounds awfully plain here. I think you could say it much better if you move it around. It was covered in dead flies. I suppressed the urge to gag and throw up. It reminded me of that bathroom in Saw. I wanted to cry. I was that scared.Bad sentence. You're plainly stating it, like you're asking the reader 'ya' know?' Well we don't really know, do we? Explain yourself please. I leaned my head against the cracked wall. I whimpered and recalled the memories from a few nights ago. They were sharp and full of adrenaline. I was walking down the streets of my home- New York. ...of my New York home. sounds better I think. I was going home from my tutoring class. New York was the same at night as it was in the day-Spacenoisy and full of people. I was just going past the stairs to the old subway when I heard my little sister Julia’s voice saying, “Andy! Help me.” It was barely a whimper and I blinked. How could I have heard such a faint noise? I pushed through the crowd to go down the stairs of the abandoned station. I remembered I didn’t see Julia at school, either. She never missed school. I walked slowly down the stairs. Faint light illuminated half of the transit. I shivered as a cold breeze blew towards me. “Help me.” Julia’s voice echoed. The sound was coming from Terminal 7. I broke into a run. “Julia!” I yelled, my sneakers clomping and squeaking on the floor. I stopped. Something felt wrong. Terribly wrong. I slowed to a walk, my shoes now made soft, muffled tapping noises that echoed throughout the terminal.You described your shoes here again, but it's not the subject, is it? Why not mention your character's feelings in the terminal or something? The lights buzzed above me. Then I saw him. He had pale skin and bright blue eyes that glowed with hunger. He smiled sadistically. "Wh-who are you?" I stammered, my mind screaming for me to run. This man...with his marble skin and his too perfect face...he was one of Them. Trash this whole sentence here. It's very cliche, and if you haven't noticed, cliches with Twilight. 'Marble and too perfect' were Stephenie's Meyer's vampire description. Some thing you would not want to write unless you want half of society to hate you. I couldn't believe it, I thought they were just fiction, but I somehow sensed he wasn't at all human. He was leaning against the wall opposite from me, hands in his pockets, his tongue playfully licking his needle sharp canines. He wore all black so that I could barely see him as he seemed to be made of the shadows around him.New sentence.Speech Marks. Who am I, you ask? You must mean what am I, boy." He purred. He reminded me of a cat playing with a mouse before killing it with a snap of its teeth. Feral. Dangerous. Why did he look so…familiar? He pushed off the wall with a combat boot adorned foot. He was about ten, fifteen feet away from me. My mind was racing so fast, I couldn't calculate. My heart thundered in my ears. He walked calmly towards me. My sneakers squeaked as I stepped back. His pace quickened casually. His gaze looked as if it was directed to the dirty tiled floor. He said one sentence per step.Change this sentence, it's creative writing but it sounds to me like maths and science. I don't know, haha. "What I am? I'm certainly something one should be afraid of, no? I can already see you're already afraid. You stink of fear. Mildly put: should I introduce myself before your death, monsieur? It won't matter anyway. You're going to depart in a very gruesome demise.” He had a French lilt to his baritone voice. It was faint, but I could tell it was French.I think this sentence is unnecessary. His face crumpled in disgust. I willed my legs to run, but only my mouth could move. "What have you done with my sister?" My voice was surprisingly strong for the fear I was experiencing.New paragraph when speaker changes. "Help me." He said in Julia's voice. "Simply nothing, Monsieur Andrew. I did nothing to the girl." He eyed me with amusement. "You can't move, can you? Did you know that once you look straight into a vampire’s eyes, you’re paralyzed? It’s an interesting notion, you see. It’s a very effective part in the kill. It’s also very effective in making one’s repose painfully and agonizingly slow.I also adore the fact that only the mouth may move, so then I may take relish in your screams. It makes it all so much more entertaining.” He licked his lips. No, no, this is not how I imagined my death. I silently wished this was all just a prank and I would go home safely and forget all of this. He was right in front of me now.I'm sure you can find another way to say this because it sounds very dry. "It was easy luring you in here, Andrew. You're nothing but a fish going for the gleaming hook. You were always naive, Andy. Always. I have you now." His smile grew even more creepy.Cut the 'I have you now' bit out, it's a plain statement. “Who are you?!” I screamed. He grasped my throat and held me up. I choked on my own saliva. Oh God, now I’m gonna die by the hand of some emo Pepe Le Pew. I suppressed the urge to laugh ruefully. I knew I was going to die, so why laugh? I mentally smacked myself.What? He was just scared to death and then he has to suppress laughter? It's to different there, I think. You need some thought in between otherwise it kind of seems like two people's thought instead of one. "I am...Michael, remember? You stole her away from me. She was...precious to me. I can't have her because of you.Last statement is not need, it's quite obvious. Since Andrew stole her away then of course Michael can't have her. Logic." He tightened his grip. I gasped in both pain and realization. "You're not Michael. Mikey doesn't look like that." "Andrew, I am Michael.Am is unnecessarily italicized. Your best bud. I've come for you now, buddy." He hissed the word buddy.He scowled in disgust. For a moment his face flickered, from a teenage boy's face with large wire frame glasses to a monster that was made out of screaming faces that looked like they were melted together. It looked like a clay bust gone horribly wrong. My last thought was how I remembered Mikey always was trying to hold on to his accent even though he had been in America for seven years. Was this really him? I smiled ruefully. Mikey, my best friend. He then brought his lips down to my neck. And bit. And gnawed. Slowly. Painfully. I think this can all be in one line. I screamed. And screamed. And screamed. I screamed until I tasted blood in the back of my throat.Same here. Then....nothing. I flashed to the real world. I wished it would be a nightmare that would just end, but my mind told me it would never end. I wanted to get up, but I felt too weak to and the stench grew even more unbearable each time I moved. I wished to die right there. Aren't you already dead? My mind asked me. I put my hand over my heart. Nothing. Just nothing.You've used the word nothing three times too close together, sounds like you're repeating yourself. I moaned and hoped this was just a bad dream and I would wake up and-Surely you'd do more than 'moan'? Would there be panic? fear? Show me. The door opened.Hmmm, I don't think this was the best place to leave it. Too soon. "The door creaked open and he stepped in, his... So on, so on..." would be better, I feel that you need to leave the bait, even if just a little bit, to hook the reader onto the next chapter.

This piece, in overall, is not bad. Not bad all at. I quite like where you're going with this after I figured that this wasn't going to be a "Twilight inspired" story. *Sighs in relief*
This is a good start, but the main I feel you need to work on is structure. The sentence structures and Andrew's character.
I think your sentences are too bland, they're just stating that this and this happened and telling the audience 'and then he...' and 'Now I'm...'. It reduces the potential of your writing. Make the reader feel empathic towards Andrew, since he is the narrator of course.
It's then end of the chapter, and towards Andrew, the storyteller, I feel nothing almost. I wouldn't be able to describe him in the least apart from the single word: Sarcasm.
So character development, another thing to work one.
Well anyways, I look forward to reading more of this, do continue the story. Read over what I've written and from there hopefully you can spot the odd bits that I may not have pointed out yourself.
Good luck.

Twilight Crack:
Hehe, don't worry, I'll work on it. 'It' as in everything. xP
And you thought it was going to be another 'Twilight inspired' story? O__o Damn, then I'll have to do much better.