Okay, there is no real title to this story, I'll get one eventually. I called it "Collaberation" simply because its one I'm working on with my friend. He's not much of a writer but has a wild imagination, so we figured we'd combine our efforts to make something. This is chapter one. Critiques would be welcome and appreciated.

Basically set in a giant futuristic mega-city. Enjoy.

CHAPTER 1

Spoiler:

The rotted wooden door of the room caved inward with a splintering crack, sending pieces of broken timber soaring away in all directions. A slender form hurtled through the resulting explosion, hitting the floor of the deserted room and rolling smoothly upright into a run. Leaping, the girl sprinted over the top of the long audience table, her long light hair streaming out behind her. Reaching the end of the table she made a second, powerful leap, and tilted backwards in mid flight, angling the heels of her well used boots towards the glass of the high window. Both feet connected with shocking force, smashing the pane to shards and she flew through the aperture, out of the room, into space, dropping down almost twenty feet to land on a bulky pipe that protruded from the side of the building.

Opal paused for a moment to regain her breath, crouching on the broad curving surface of the pipeline. She glanced back up at the shattered window for any signs of pursuit, but it appeared she had given her adversaries the slip, at least for the time-being. Taking a breath she set off, following the carefully memorised set of instructions to the letter and dashing along the pipe to around half its length, before hopping sideways, dropping down onto another. Landing flawlessly she followed the second pipe to the end, where its bulky structure lay bent like a broken limb, drooping down towards the distant streets. She slid down the slope of the wrecked pipe and at the last moment, bunched her legs, and jumped.

Reaching out she caught the side of the window pane of the opposite building with a gasp, and then yanked herself up onto the side of the construction in a single fluid motion. This window was already smashed and she dove inside, hitting the ground in a roll before springing to her feet again. Her boots pounded the dusty wooden floorboards as she ran, out into the main corridor and turned sharply to the left. She darted through the crumbling hallway until she reached the door to the stairwell, and without breaking stride she smacked the door open, nearly tearing it from its hinges in the process.

Rather than using the stairs conventionally, she took a tight grip on the handrail with both hands and began vaulting, over and over again with awesome speed, descending floor by floor until she landed at the entrance to the hotel’s car park. Still her blistering pace did not slow as she tore through the door and out into the deserted concrete expanse, her eyes locked on the fire exit in the far corner of the dimly lit chamber.

She skidded to a halt at last when she reached the heavy metal door, checking that the tightly strapped backpack she was wearing, and its precious contents, were undamaged by the trip. Satisfied, she pushed the bar of the exit and the door opened with a dull clunk of protest, exposing Opal to the blaring light of the city once more.

The outer district of the colossal urban behemoth that spanned hundreds of miles displayed an ominous and neglected exterior that spoke of long lost grandeur. Towering buildings that had once been expensive hotels or political powerhouses now stood as mournful whitewashed tombs, sarcophagi of days long forgotten. The streets lay in ruins, their old tarmac surfaces cracked and pitted by years and years of disregard. Piles of rubble and smaller demolished buildings lay where they had fallen, any plans of replacement or repair long since abandoned, and boarded up structures dotted the streets as a depressing reminder of different times.

Yet still the streets of the outskirts thronged with life.

There were millions of people inhabiting the outer regions, who were content to ignore and be ignored by the grandiose splendour of the inner city, a place separated from its chaotic counterpart by a gigantic ring wall of truly epic proportions. The aristocrats and the bureaucrats ran the prosperous inner district, backed up not only by the regular military police, but by the power of the Mechanised Weapons Division, or MWD. This infamous organisation constructed what were essentially robots, built specifically for the arena of combat and protected the inner city with an iron fist.

By stark contrast there was virtually no policing in the outskirts. Firearms were easy to obtain and as a result hundreds of gangs had risen into power, being so well armed they were virtually private militaries as opposed to street fighters. A perpetual civil war raged every day in the outer regions, but the people struggled on and had even begun to thrive in the harsh new world.

Opal jogged between the masses of people that clogged up the pavements with practiced ease, running through the next set of instructions in her mind. She still had several streets of potentially hostile territory to cover before she could consider herself safe, and the package she was transporting was of the utmost value. She neatly sidestepped a woman pushing a pram and hopped up over the bonnet of a parked car, her destination the only thing in mind. Darting across the broad street she dodged the steady cloying flow of traffic and made it to the corner of the next road.

With a curse Opal back peddled frantically and dived into the nearest shadowed area between two crumbling buildings. She crouched down in a cat-like stance, watching the street intently, her senses tingling. A few seconds later the cause of her alarm trundled ponderously around the bend, smoke belching from its roof exhausts and wild whoops and roars emanating from its interior. It was, in essence, a tank.

The bulky vehicle was around six to eight meters in length, and was covered with rusted armour plating that had been bolted on haphazardly, like a patchwork carpet. The windows had been replaced by a protective metal mesh that was reinforced against weapons fire. Across the bonnet the words Seek and Destroy! had been scrawled messily in white paint. Gun barrels protruded from the smaller gaps in the sides of the machines armour and on the roof a pintle mounted cannon had been positioned. The figure manning the main cannon was waving his fists frantically in the air and shrieking as the hulking vehicle forced any other traffic out of the way.

From her alleyway Opal watched grimly and ground her teeth together until they hurt. She continued staring at the tank until it was eventually lost from sight, then she waited until the roar of its engine faded away. Exhaling the long breath she’d been holding Opal stepped back out onto the street corner and glanced down the opposite direction, spotting the steely bulk of the vehicle in the distance. Shaking her head she turned and continued on her way.

She darted across the road, dodging traffic as she made a beeline for a tiny dark alley that was blocked off by a mesh fence. Her pace increased as she approached it until she was running flat out. With a bound she kicked off the wall of the alleyway, giving her the added height she needed to grab the top bar of the fence with both hands. In the same motion she vaulted over the fence and hit the ground running on the other side.

As she wound her way through the back alleys that paralleled the main street Opal began to gradually relax, as she entered the familiar surroundings of her home neighbourhood. The number of thick grey pipelines increased as she entered what had once been a vast industrial factory district, the location of her home. It was sunken into a crater like depression in the ground, and some buildings were totally submerged beneath a sea of rubble and rocks. Most of the old factories were interconnected by the network of pipes that resembled a massive web from above and the hulking central structure of the estate was the headquarters of the gang. They used the massive pipe network to move around their domain undetected.

Opal emerged from between a pair of smaller factories out into the expanse of the industrial estate her pace now having slowed to an easy jog. With practiced ease she slithered down a rocky embankment which might have been the side of a building once, and landed on the remains of a thin road. She turned right and continued until she spotted a figure waving lazily, from the entrance of one of the pipes that was protruding from the wall of the crater. A smile flashed across her face and she sped up.

She dug her feet into the rubble at the base of the embankment side and began clambering up towards the mouth of the pipe, and the thin individual waiting. As she drew close enough the man reached out one hand and helped her up into the perch, where she let out a long sigh of relief and leaned against the side of the construction.

“Fun trip?” Pixie enquired with a thin smile. She eyed him balefully.

“As advertised,” she answered, flexing one shoulder and wincing slightly. “Pipelines, windows and stairs; I had to go like a damn jackrabbit.” The man raised an eyebrow then stood up, hefting the long barrelled sniper rifle clutched in his hands.

“C’mon,” he began, his face dropping back into a bland impassive stare. “Everybody’s waiting, you got the stuff?”

“Of course I do,” Opal answered irately. “Think I’d do a damn run through the plaza and come back empty handed?” Her companion shrugged and set off into the darkness of the pipe’s interior, pulling a flashlight from the back of his belt. Brushing dirt and grit from her clothes Opal shook her head at the figure before setting off in pursuit.

The pair could probably have navigated through the tunnels without the light, but Opal was glad of the illumination nonetheless. She knew the pipe network inside and out just like everyone else who lived in the industrial district – it was a necessity – but she was a little claustrophobic. They twisted and turned dozens of times over a route that no outsider would have been able to navigate, through pipes of varying width and elevation until they spotted a well lit exit that signified one thing. Home.

The home of the street gang was built inside a massive disused factory that was situated at the rough centre of the pipe network, with half its structure sunken into ground over the years, while the other half protruded nearly one hundred meters from the sea of rocks and debris. Dozens of corridors and rooms radiated from a colossal central chamber that was a cube-like shape, lined with gantries, stairwells and balconies. Walkways were suspended inside the main space, constructed of latticeworks of steel plating and they connected the various living quarters and defensive emplacements that filled the walls of the atrium.

The pair descended down one of the many gridiron stairwells towards the base of the main hall where they could see the rest of the group waiting. Some were eating; others playing cards and one man was practicing on a makeshift firing range with a rifle, though for the benefit of the others he had attached a suppressor to the weapon. The idle buzz of conversation floated up to Pixie and Opal as they drew closer. A few minutes later they reached the floor where the rest of the group had assembled.

The gang numbered ten members in all, a loose association of individuals without a single leader, like a small democracy. Their number was small compared to most of the bands that roamed the streets but the secrecy of their factory hideout coupled with their aptitude for guerrilla tactics ensured their survival.

The massive individual that had been practicing at the firing range was called Fridge and he was the enforcer of the group; a hard nosed, streetwise veteran with his hair chopped into a close military crop. He stood a towering six feet, six inches tall, with a barrel chest and tree trunk arms. His imposing physique was balanced against proficiency with firearms and his no-nonsense attitude made him a valuable asset to the group. Standing beside him, leaning against a supporting strut with her arms folded, was Jezzie, a red haired, tomboyish girl with a fiery persona; and next to her stood the seventeen year old Dusty, a young engineering progeny.

The others of the group were spread in a rough semi-circle: Walnut, a wisecracking ex-policeman who sported a bionic lower left arm, a girl named Echo who was the logistics expert of the group, and Eden, the gang’s diminutive acting medic and newest member. Standing slightly apart from the rest the tall sombre Dawn eyed proceedings silently. She was a motherly individual who had taken Dusty under her wing after his parents had been killed, following a vicious shootout, and she was for all intents and purposes his big sister. Pixie, the man who had met Opal at the pipe was her brother; a quiet, introverted individual, a vegetarian and a pacifist at heart. He was frequently morose and had a knack for aggravating the rest of the company with his scruples. However these were small disadvantages when compared to his incredible marksmanship, a shady skill that had saved their lives several times during the many street fights the group had grafted through.

Opal walked straight up to the last member of the group and kissed him, wrapping her arms lightly around his shoulders.

“You alright?” Rou asked immediately, checking her for injury as she pulled away, pushing her hair to one side with a gentle movement of one hand. Opal laughed and kissed him again.

“Just a few scrapes,” she answered resting her head on his shoulder for a moment. The pair had been together for almost three years now and he was still always worrying, every time she took an operation on her own.

Releasing her hold on Rou she turned to the rest of the group with a thin smile playing on her lips. She pulled the rucksack from her back and held one hand poised over the zip.

“Ladies and gentlemen, enjoy.” She grinned and opened the bag, revealing a transparent container that was packed with large shining red apples. The eyes of the group lit up and Dusty darted eagerly forward. Opal laughed as the young engineer pulled the container from the bag and yanked the lid off, rounding on the rest of the gang and holding offering the apples out. With the state of the outskirts of the city fresh fruit was a rare commodity, highly sought after and exspensive to obtain. The company didn’t hesitate and within a few seconds the sounds of crunching filled the air.

“The genuine article,” Echo grinned, tossing an apple up in the air and catching it. “We owe you one.”

“Mmmhmm,” Walnut smiled around a mouthful of fruit. “Good price for that crate I’d say, eh?” He nudged Fridge with his bionic elbow. The bigger man eyed him dangerously before taking a huge, ponderous bite out of his own apple. Walnut smirked and raised an eyebrow, returning to demolishing his.

Spoiler:

Originally Posted by the_knockon_effect Okay, there is no real title to this story, I'll get one eventually. I called it "Collaberation" simply because its one I'm working on with my friend. He's not much of a writer but has a wild imagination, so we figured we'd combine our efforts to make something. This is chapter one. Critiques would be welcome and appreciated. Basically set in a giant futuristic mega-city. Enjoy. CHAPTER 1 The rotted wooden door of the room caved inward with a splintering crack, sending pieces of broken timber soaring away in all directions. A slender form hurtled hurled?through the resulting explosion, hitting the floor of the deserted room and rolling smoothly upright into a run. Leaping, the girl sprinted over the top of the long audience table, her long light hair streaming out behind her. Reaching the end of the table she made a second, powerful leap, and tilted backwards in mid flight, angling the heels of her well used boots towards the glass of the high window. Both feet connected with shocking force, smashing the pane to shards and she flew through the aperture, out of the room, into space, dropping down almost twenty feet to land on a bulky pipe that protruded from the side of the building. Lovely. The word choice in this paragraph, is pretty well choosen. It pulled me in, and now I want to read more, a very lovely start. It seems a bit rushed to me, though, then again, it could just be me. Opal paused for a moment to regain her breath, crouching on the broad curving surface of the pipeline. She glanced back up at the shattered window for any signs of pursuit, but it appeared she had given her adversaries the slip, at least for the time-being. Taking a breath she set off, following the carefully memorised set of instructions to the letter and dashing along the pipe to around half its length, before hopping sideways, dropping down onto another. Landing flawlessly she followed the second pipe to the end, where its bulky structure lay bent like a broken limb, drooping down towards the distant streets. She slid down the slope of the wrecked pipe and at the last moment, bunched her legs, and jumped.Very good description, and what is she feeling? Scared? Frightened? Reaching out she caught the side of the window pane of the opposite building with a gasp, and then yanked herself up onto the side of the construction in a single fluid motion. This window was already smashed and she dove inside, hitting the ground in a roll before springing to her feet again. Her boots pounded the dusty wooden floorboards as she ran, out into the main corridor and turned sharply to the left. She darted through the crumbling hallway until she reached the door to the stairwell, and without breaking stride she smacked the door open, nearly tearing it from its hinges in the process. Rather than using the stairs conventionally, she took a tight grip on the handrail with both hands and began vaulting, over and over again with awesomeTry using another word, other than awesome, it destroy's the wonderful word choice that you have been using up until now. Try something, like, tremendouse? Or breathtaking? speed, descending floor by floor until she landed at the entrance to the hotel’s car park. Still her blistering pace did not slow as she tore through the door and out into the deserted concrete expanse, her eyes locked on the fire exit in the far corner of the dimly lit chamber. She skidded to a halt at last when she reached the heavy metal door, checking that the tightly strapped backpack she was wearing, and its precious contents, were undamaged by the trip. Satisfied, she pushed the bar of the exit and the door opened with a dull clunk of protest, exposing Opal to the blaring light of the city once more. The outer district of the colossal urban behemoth that spanned hundreds of miles displayed an ominous and neglected exterior that spoke of long lost grandeur. Towering buildings that had once been expensive hotels or political powerhouses now stood as mournful whitewashed tombs, sarcophagi of days long forgotten. The streets lay in ruins, their old tarmac surfaces cracked and pitted by years and years of disregard. Piles of rubble and smaller demolished buildings lay where they had fallen, any plans of replacement or repair long since abandoned, and boarded up structures dotted the streets as a depressing reminder of different times. Astounding discription! I can see these building around me. Yet still the streets of the outskirts thronged with life. There were millions of people inhabiting the outer regions, who were content to ignore and be ignored by the grandiose splendour of the inner city, a place separated from its chaotic counterpart by a gigantic ring wall of truly epic proportions. The aristocrats and the bureaucrats ran the prosperous inner district, backed up not only by the regular military police, but by the power of the Mechanised Weapons Division, or MWD. This infamous organisation constructed what were essentially robots, built specifically for the arena of combat and protected the inner city with an iron fist. By stark contrast there was virtually no policing in the outskirts. Firearms were easy to obtain and as a result hundreds of gangs had risen into power, being so well armed they were virtually private militaries as opposed to street fighters. A perpetual civil war raged every day in the outer regions, but the people struggled on and had even begun to thrive in the harsh new world. Opal jogged between the masses of people that clogged up the pavements with practiced ease, running through the next set of instructions in her mind. She still had several streets of potentially hostile territory to cover before she could consider herself safe, and the package she was transporting was of the utmost value. She neatly sidestepped a woman pushing a pram and hopped up over the bonnet of a parked car, her destination the only thing in mind. Darting across the broad street she dodged the steady cloying flow of traffic and made it to the corner of the next road. With a curse Opal back peddled frantically and dived into the nearest shadowed area between two crumbling buildings. She crouched down in a cat-like stance, watching the street intently, her senses tingling. A few seconds later the cause of her alarm trundled ponderously around the bend, smoke belching from its roof exhausts and wild whoops and roars emanating from its interior. It was, in essence, a tank. The bulky vehicle was around six to eight meters in length, and was covered with rusted armour plating that had been bolted on haphazardly, like a patchwork carpet. The windows had been replaced by a protective metal mesh that was reinforced against weapons fire. Across the bonnet the words Seek and Destroy! had been scrawled messily in white paint. Gun barrels protruded from the smaller gaps in the sides of the machines armour and on the roof a pintle mounted cannon had been positioned. The figure manning the main cannon was waving his fists frantically in the air and shrieking as the hulking vehicle forced any other traffic out of the way. From her alleyway Opal watched grimly and grounded her teeth together until they hurt. She continued staring at the tank until it was eventually lost from sight, then she waited until the roar of its engine faded away. Exhaling the long breath she’d been holding Opal stepped back out onto the street corner and glanced down the opposite direction, spotting the steely bulk of the vehicle in the distance. Shaking her head she turned and continued on her way. She darted across the road, dodging traffic as she made a beeline for a tiny dark alley that was blocked off by a mesh fence. Her pace increased as she approached it until she was running flat out. With a bound she kicked off the wall of the alleyway, giving her the added height she needed to grab the top bar of the fence with both hands. In the same motion she vaulted over the fence and hit the ground running on the other side. As she wound her way through the back alleys that paralleled the main street Opal began to gradually relax, as she entered the familiar surroundings of her home neighbourhood. The number of thick grey pipelines increased as she entered what had once been a vast industrial factory district, the location of her home. It was sunken into a crater like depression in the ground, and some buildings were totally submerged beneath a sea of rubble and rocks. Most of the old factories were interconnected by the network of pipes that resembled a massive web from above and the hulking central structure of the estate was the headquarters of the gang. They used the massive pipe network to move around their domain undetected. Opal emerged from between a pair of smaller factories out into the expanse of the industrial estate her pace now having slowed to an easy jog. With practiced ease she slithered down a rocky embankment which might have been the side of a building once, and landed on the remains of a thin road. She turned right and continued until she spotted a figure waving lazily, from the entrance of one of the pipes that was protruding from the wall of the crater. A smile flashed across her face and she sped up. She dug her feet into the rubble at the base of the embankment side and began clambering up towards the mouth of the pipe, and the thin individual waiting. As she drew close enough the man reached out one hand and helped her up into the perch, where she let out a long sigh of relief and leaned against the side of the construction. “Fun trip?” Pixie enquired with a thin smile. She eyed him balefully. “As advertised,” she answered, flexing one shoulder and wincing slightly. “Pipelines, windows and stairs; I had to go like a damn jackrabbit.” The man raised an eyebrow then stood up, hefting the long barrelled sniper rifle clutched in his hands. “C’mon,” he began, his face dropping back into a bland impassive stare. “Everybody’s waiting, you got the stuff?” “Of course I do,” Opal answered irately. “Think I’d do a damn run through the plaza and come back empty handed?” Her companion shrugged and set off into the darkness of the pipe’s interior, pulling a flashlight from the back of his belt. Brushing dirt and grit from her clothes Opal shook her head at the figure before setting off in pursuit. The pair could probably have navigated through the tunnels without the light, but Opal was glad of the illumination nonetheless. She knew the pipe network inside and out just like everyone else who lived in the industrial district – it was a necessity – but she was a little claustrophobic. They twisted and turned dozens of times over a route that no outsider would have been able to navigate, through pipes of varying width and elevation until they spotted a well lit exit that signified one thing. Home. The home of the street gang was built inside a massive disused factory that was situated at the rough centre of the pipe network, with half its structure sunken into ground over the years, while the other half protruded nearly one hundred meters from the sea of rocks and debris. Dozens of corridors and rooms radiated from a colossal central chamber that was a cube-like shape, lined with gantries, stairwells and balconies. Walkways were suspended inside the main space, constructed of latticeworks of steel plating and they connected the various living quarters and defensive emplacements that filled the walls of the atrium. The pair descended down one of the many gridiron stairwells towards the base of the main hall where they could see the rest of the group waiting. Some were eating; others playing cards and one man was practicing on a makeshift firing range with a rifle, though for the benefit of the others he had attached a suppressor to the weapon. The idle buzz of conversation floated up to Pixie and Opal as they drew closer. A few minutes later they reached the floor where the rest of the group had assembled. The gang numbered ten members in all, a loose association of individuals without a single leader, like a small democracy. Their number was small compared to most of the bands that roamed the streets but the secrecy of their factory hideout coupled with their aptitude for guerrilla tactics ensured their survival. The massive individual that had been practicing at the firing range was called Fridge and he was the enforcer of the group; a hard nosed, streetwise veteran with his hair chopped into a close military crop. He stood a towering six feet, six inches tall, with a barrel chest and tree trunk arms. His imposing physique was balanced against proficiency with firearms and his no-nonsense attitude made him a valuable asset to the group. Standing beside him, leaning against a supporting strut with her arms folded, was Jezzie, a red haired, tomboyish girl with a fiery persona; and next to her stood the seventeen year old Dusty, a young engineering progeny. The others of the group were spread in a rough semi-circle: Walnut, a wisecracking ex-policeman who sported a bionic lower left arm, a girl named Echo who was the logistics expert of the group, and Eden, the gang’s diminutive acting medic and newest member. Standing slightly apart from the rest the tall sombre Dawn eyed proceedings silently. She was a motherly individual who had taken Dusty under her wing after his parents had been killed, following a vicious shootout, and she was for all intents and purposes his big sister. Pixie, the man who had met Opal at the pipe was her brother; a quiet, introverted individual, a vegetarian and a pacifist at heart. He was frequently morose and had a knack for aggravating the rest of the company with his scruples. However these were small disadvantages when compared to his incredible marksmanship, a shady skill that had saved their lives several times during the many street fights the group had grafted through. Opal walked straight up to the last member of the group and kissed him, wrapping her arms lightly around his shoulders. “You alright?” Rou asked immediately, checking her for injury as she pulled away, pushing her hair to one side with a gentle movement of one hand. Opal laughed and kissed him again. “Just a few scrapes,” she answered resting her head on his shoulder for a moment. The pair had been together for almost three years now and he was still always worrying, every time she took an operation on her own. Releasing her hold on Rou she turned to the rest of the group with a thin smile playing on her lips. She pulled the rucksack from her back and held one hand poised over the zip. “Ladies and gentlemen, enjoy.” She grinned and opened the bag, revealing a transparent container that was packed with large shining red apples. The eyes of the group lit up and Dusty darted eagerly forward. Opal laughed as the young engineer pulled the container from the bag and yanked the lid off, rounding on the rest of the gang and holding offering the apples out. With the state of the outskirts of the city fresh fruit was a rare commodity, highly sought after and exspensive to obtain. The company didn’t hesitate and within a few seconds the sounds of crunching filled the air. Very original, with the apples. “The genuine article,” Echo grinned, tossing an apple up in the air and catching it. “We owe you one.” “Mmmhmm,” Walnut smiled around a mouthful of fruit. “Good price for that crate I’d say, eh?” He nudged Fridge with his bionic elbow. The bigger man eyed him dangerously before taking a huge, ponderous bite out of his own apple. Walnut smirked and raised an eyebrow, returning to demolishing his.

All I can say is, wonderful. Your word choice was astounding, as I metioned. It was a bit rushed though, I know she was running, but there are some things you could of have added, like the wheater outside, what she was feeling as she ran, etc. I'm looking forward to reading more, you really did grab me in, and I didn't want you to let go. There were some word's you used that made me take some points off your wonderul word choice, but other than that, you did pretty well. Keep up the good work, hope I was of help.

Crit ticket.

CHAPTER 2

Spoiler:

The rain was battering down unmercifully over the vast expanse of the Titan City in thick grey sheets, water cascading down rooftops and gutters, through streets and alleys in a thunderous deluge. The lively outskirts were now devoid of life as people took shelter where they could from the fury of the elements, but now when their dealings were obscured the gangs came forward to indulge themselves trading vast amounts of weapons and drugs in the dark hours. Down one narrow side road the group had arranged a meeting with one of the biggest local street gangs, led by a man named Khallos. Their reputation for brutality was well deserved but they were also the only nearby association who could afford the shipment of weapons the group had stolen, and the only ones with the guts to take it off their hands.

Watching from a vantage point several hundred yards away on the sixth floor of a disused warehouse, Pixie followed proceedings through the scope of his rifle. He was sitting just inside the window frame, resting the front supports of the powerful weapon on a makeshift pile of crates. Lying a few meters from him the unconscious form of another man who had attempted to take up the same position was tied against one of the thick supporting pillars. Pixie glanced at the other man briefly before returning to his scope, tense and ready to intervene should things spiral out of control. The other gang’s sniper was certainly a bad sign.

Through the weapons sight Pixie watched the three members of the group, Echo, Jezzie and Fridge, approach the designated rendezvous point, lugging a hefty case containing the stolen weapons consignment. The group stood tall despite the hammering rain and they laid the gun metal container down on the concrete surface of the alley. It was not long before members of the other gang made an appearance and instantly Pixie decided something was up. For one thing, from his vantage point he counted at least eight of them, far more than necessary to make a payment and haul a crate. He pulled back the firing bolt of the rifle and waited.

Echo eyed the newcomers warily, squinting against the rain that plastered her long dark hair down over her shoulders, her hand slipping almost unconsciously towards the pistol strapped to her hip. The leading individual was a tall, wiry man carrying a vicious looking machine gun with an ad-hoc bayonet strapped roughly to the barrel. She met his gaze as he stopped, standing perhaps three feet away and he glared sourly back at her. Inwardly she smirked; he didn’t seem to be enjoying the weather.

“Is that it?” the man grated, nodding his head towards the weapon case. Echo raised an eyebrow and nodded as more men appeared out of the wall of water, a bristling assortment of guns held clearly in evidence. Behind her Jezzie and Fridge exchanged looks.

“A lot of men to haul one crate,” Echo indicated the other men with a wave of her hand. “What’s the matter, you don’t trust us?”

“You’re very suspicious,” the hawk faced man returned, smiling thinly. “We’re here to make a deal, just like you.” He reached into a pocket of his sodden jacket and pulled out a small bag that jingled invitingly. “300 alloys, right here.”

“That’s an amusing figure,” Fridge’s deep voice cut in sharply. “Since we already agreed on 600.” Echo shot the big man a warning glance as the newcomers face flashed with indignation. Turning back she spread her hands.

“He’s not wrong,” she began carefully. “Any reason for the price reduction?”

“You know why, its expensive government shit!” the man snapped. “That means it’s dangerous for us to take it on board. That means you give us a discount.”

“Bullshit!” Jezzie butted in angrily stepping forward alongside Echo. “You guys are a fucking powerhouse; the government doesn’t give a rat’s ass about where you buy your crap. You knew it was imprinted when we made the first deal!”

“Keep your dog on a leash,” the man sneered, narrowing his eyes at Jezzie. “The deal’s 300. I think you should take it.”

“Really?” Echo said, placing a restraining hand on the other girl’s arm. “Is that a threat then?”

“A suggestion.”

“Uh-huh, I think we’ll just find another buyer.” She shrugged.

“Oh you think so? Who else has got the money or the balls to take this stuff off your hands?”

“I’m sure we’ll find someone.” Echo turned her back on the man and extracted the response she’d expected.

“Don’t you dare,” he snarled. “You can either take the 300, or we can leave you all in body bags and we’ll take the weapons anyway!” Instantly Fridge pulled back the firing bolt of his massive two handed machine gun and took a heavy, determined step forward.

“Back off,” he growled dangerously. “If any body gets killed here I can tell you, you’ll definitely be one of them.”

“We can all walk away now,” Echo stepped in. “Nobody gets hurt, everybody’s happy. Okay?”

“I don’t think so,” hissed the man. In a sudden movement he leapt back and whipped up his rifle with an animalistic snarl.

Then a single shot rang out.

The bullet slammed between the man’s eyes before he could fire, snapping his head backwards and blowing out the back of his skull. The rifle flew into the air and his limp corpse slumped onto the roads, the pool of blood being quickly dispersed by the rain. His entourage stared slackly at the body for a moment, shock clear in their faces. As soon as one man snapped out of the stupor and pulled up a shotgun, the deafening roar of Fridge’s machine gun split the air as the huge weapon erupted into life, spewing shots at a furious rate across the narrow space of the alleyway.

Two men collapsed screaming to the ground as the rounds found their mark, a third was cut down as Jezzie let go a well aimed burst from her rifle and fourth was shot in the back by another sniper bullet as he turned to run. Their adversaries didn’t fire back and the survivors sprinted off into the rain, to the safety of their home hideout.

The trio stood for a moment, still tense but the other gang were long gone for the moment. Reluctantly Fridge let the still smoking barrel of his weapon drop.

“Fuck sake!” Echo snarled, spinning and kicking the heavy metal container. She bit her lip as pain lanced through her foot. “Just once can’t the god damn deal go as we fucking planned it!” After waiting a moment to calm herself, she rounded again and walked over to the corpse of the first man. She crouched down at his side and examined the body for a moment. Then she swore.

“What is it?” Jezzie asked.

“I think Pixie’s fucked up this time.”

“Meaning?”

“This guy,” she turned her head, meeting her companion’s eyes and pointing at the face of the dead man, his eyes still showing an expression of dull shock. “I think it’s Khallos’ brother.”

CHAPTER 3

Spoiler:

That evening the torrential downpour had finally slackened off leaving the streets drenched, rivers of rainwater flowing through deep rivulets in the cracked concrete. Veritable lakes had formed in the bigger holes and blast craters that littered the outskirts of the city and some particularly ruined sections of the city became flooded entirely. The crater-like depression that housed the group’s factory hideout was spared this eventuality by the efficient draining system that they had taken great pains to maintain. It channelled the rainwater through underground canals that flowed through the city to an ancient water reservoir. None of the group was sure exactly where the reservoir was but Echo had obtained enough blueprints of the canal layout to know their purpose.

Inside their hideout however there was far grimmer business than the rain being discussed as they stood in a rough semi-circle around Pixie, who looked rather sheepish about the whole affair.

“Damn it man,” Echo slammed her fist down on a metal table. “You’ve got to be careful who you shoot. Do you have any idea the kind of shit-storm you’ve just kicked off here?”

“Well my bad,” the sniper muttered, massaging his temples wearily. “But I saved your skin there.”

“You could’ve done it without blasting his head in half!” the girl retorted. “Hell could you have shot him in the leg?”

“What the hell’s the problem?” Pixie spread his arms, meeting Echo’s gaze. “They backed out on the deal. They were all set to kill all three of you. They had a sniper of their own in the same spot we picked. The whole meeting was a straight bloody sham, so you tell me one good reason why I shouldn’t have left that bastard in a pool of his own blood.”

“Sounds like a hell of a shot though,” Walnut interjected, winking knowingly at Pixie. “Between the eyes, 600 yards through the rain too.” He smirked until Echo turned her furious glare on him. He bit his lip, turned his eyes to the floor and took a precautionary step backwards. She turned back to Pixie, her eyes shining with barely suppressed fury.

“Alright fine, they’re a conniving bunch of snakes who ought to be killed off to the last man,” she spat. “But they are also the biggest, most well armed, and most downright powerful street gang within twenty miles! The fucking military don’t mess with those guys! Khallos is going to be pissed and he’s going to do his best to hunt us down and kill us all, starting with you!”

“Echo, c’mon he’s not wrong,” Jezzie put in, stepping roughly between the two. “That snake got what was coming. Yes, it’s landed us in some shit but hey, somebody had to stand up to those guys.”

“But why us?” Echo through her hands up in exasperation. “We can’t fight a full blown gang war, we don’t have the means! All we’ve got going for us right now is that they don’t know we’re here. Who knows if they’ll figure it out but Khallos is a slimy bastard with almost unlimited resources, he’s definitely going to try. We’re gonna have to lay low for a long damn time and that’s going to play merry hell with all our trade efforts, not to mention just getting food!”

“Well there’s nothing I can do about it now,” Pixie shrugged, folding his arms and leaning against a hulking metal crate. “You can chew me out all you want but that won’t change shit. What we need to do now is figure out what we’re going to do!”

“Oh how observant of you,” Echo snarled sarcastically. “And who’s going to have to work around this mess? Me; that’s who!”

“Ok, ok, I reckon we could all do with calming down just a bit,” Rou had been standing at the edge of the circle quietly until this point, watching proceedings. He stepped forward holding up his hands pleadingly. “You’re both right. Yes, Khallos brother got exactly what he deserved, and yes, that has dropped us in the proverbial hornets nest. But the only thing to do now is figure out what to do. We’re all in this, so let’s all help find a way out of it.” He looked around appraising the group. Echo opened her mouth to speak but thought better of it, obviously not trusting herself and threw up her arms resignedly. “Well alright then.”

“All fine and good,” Fridge cut in. “So, you got any ideas?”

“Ah,” Rou looked sheepish. “Not off the top of my head.”

“Uh-huh,” Echo raised an eyebrow. “So its over to me I guess.”

“Have you got a plan?” Pixie asked sourly.

“As a matter of fact yes,” she replied, smiling for the first time that day. “Now I’m not saying this idea is going to be easy or safe but the way I see it, it’s the only way to go.” She rubbed her eyes. “First things first, as I said, we’re going to have to lay low for as long as Khallos’ gang are on the warpath; and make no mistake,” she glanced meaningfully at Pixie. “They will be.” The sniper shook his head and turned away from her as she continued. “Some of our usual trading grounds are off the table for the moment, we’re gonna have to go off the beaten track a bit. Opal, I think you’ll have your work cut out for you.”

“Just lovely,” the girl rolled her eyes, moving over and resting her head on Rou’s shoulder.

“We keep far into the main market district, away from Khallos’ side of town. Even if we do get spotted they’ll be far less likely to open fire in such a crowded place. Even a nutcase like Khallos has his limits.”

“Ok, so have you got other contacts to keep supplies coming in?” Eden said quietly from her position sitting cross-legged on top of a crate.

“I know some names,” Echo replied. “We’re going to meet some new friends I reckon.” She bit her lip. “But some of our supplies, there’s no other people I know who can sell them to us. We’ll need to be extremely careful picking up the next shipments from Biggs and Indigo. Everyone goes armed, I’ll arrange for the pickups to be at night if I can and we don’t take any chances. In, out, home.”

“Sounds ok,” Fridge shrugged. “But I don’t think we can keep that up for long. Khallos won’t give up; we’re going to have to make him back down.”

“How?” Echo laughed humourlessly. “How the hell can we push Khallos around? There’s ten of us for fuck sake!” The big man frowned but said nothing. “Uh-huh, that’s what I thought.” Standing aside from the group Pixie looked back over his shoulder grimly at the last remark, fantastic schemes beginning to flow through his mind, each one crazier than the last. As the debate continued he made a stealthy exit up to his cabin in the bowels of the factory where he began to brood.

Spoiler:

Originally Posted by the_knockon_effect CHAPTER 3 That evening the torrential downpour had finally slackened off leaving the streets drenched, rivers of rainwater flowing through deep rivulets in the cracked concrete. Veritable veritable? lakes had formed in the bigger holes and blast craters that littered the outskirts of the city and some particularly ruined sections of the city You used ‘the city’ twice. became flooded entirely. The crater-like depression that housed the group’s factory hideout was spared this eventuality by A nicer word such as ‘thanks to’ may have been used, but nothing wrong with this one. the efficient draining system that they had taken great pains to maintain. It channelled the rainwater through underground canals that flowed through the city to an ancient water reservoir. None of the group was sure exactly where the reservoir was but Echo had obtained enough blueprints of the canal layout to know their purpose. Inside their hideout however there was far grimmer business than the rain being discussed as they stood in a rough semi-circle around Pixie, who looked rather sheepish about the whole affair. “Damn it man,” Echo slammed her fist down on a metal table. “You’ve got to be careful who you shoot. Do you have any idea the kind of shit-storm you’ve just kicked off here?” “Well my bad,” the sniper muttered, massaging his temples wearily. “But I saved your skin there.” “You could’ve done it without blasting his head in half!” the girl retorted. “Hell could you have shot him in the leg?” “What the hell’s the problem?” Pixie spread his arms, meeting Echo’s gaze. “They backed out on the deal. They were all set to kill all three of you. They had a sniper of their own in the same spot we picked. The whole meeting was a straight bloody sham, so you tell me one good reason why I shouldn’t have left that bastard in a pool of his own blood.” “Sounds like a hell of a shot though,” Walnut interjected, winking knowingly at Pixie. “Between the eyes, 600 yards through the rain too.” He smirked until Echo turned her furious glare on him. He bit his lip, turned his eyes to the floor and took a precautionary step backwards. She turned back to Pixie, her eyes shining Burning would’ve been a more preferable word to express anger. with barely suppressed fury. “Alright fine, they’re a conniving I’m learning new words bunch of snakes who ought to be killed off to the last man,” she spat. “But they are also the biggest, most well armed, and most downright powerful street gang within twenty miles! The fucking military don’t mess with those guys! Khallos is going to be pissed and he’s going to do his best to hunt us down and kill us all, starting with you!” “Echo, c’mon he’s not wrong,” Jezzie put in, stepping roughly between the two. “That snake got what was coming. Yes, it’s landed us in some shit but hey, somebody had to stand up to those guys.” “But why us?” Echo through threw? her hands up in exasperation. “We can’t fight a full blown gang war, we don’t have the means! All we’ve got going for us right now is that they don’t know we’re here. Who knows if they’ll figure it out but Khallos is a slimy bastard with almost unlimited resources, he’s definitely going to try. We’re gonna have to lay low for a long damn time and that’s going to play merry hell with all our trade efforts, not to mention just getting food!” “Well there’s nothing I can do about it now,” Pixie shrugged, folding his arms and leaning against a hulking metal crate. “You can chew me out all you want but that won’t change shit. What we need to do now is figure out what we’re going to do!” “Oh how observant of you,” Echo snarled sarcastically. “And who’s going to have to work around this mess? Me; I assume you should have used a comma here instead. that’s who!” “Ok, ok, I reckon we could all do with calming down just a bit,” Rou had been standing at the edge of the circle quietly until this point, watching proceedings. He stepped forward holding up his hands pleadingly. “You’re both right. Yes, Khallos Khallos’ with an apostrophe. brother got exactly what he deserved, and yes, that has dropped us in the proverbial hornets hornets' with, again, an apostrophe. nest. But the only thing to do now is figure out what to do. We’re all in this, so let’s all help find a way out of it.” He looked around appraising the group. Echo opened her mouth to speak but thought better of it, obviously not trusting herself and threw up her arms You’ve used this before. (and with the same person, funny enough) Another word such as ‘tossed’ or ‘hurled’ would have done nicer. resignedly. “Well alright then.” “The horse’s trough” “The horses’ (plural) trough” “Omar’s critique” “Khallos’ (noun ending with an ‘s’) brother” Get the gist? “All fine and good,” Fridge cut in. “So, you got any ideas?” “Ah,” Rou looked sheepish. “Not off the top of my head.” “Uh-huh,” Echo raised an eyebrow. “So its over to me I guess.” “Have you got a plan?” Pixie asked sourly. “As a matter of fact yes,” she replied, smiling for the first time that day. “Now I’m not saying this idea is going to be easy or safe but the way I see it, it’s the only way to go.” She rubbed her eyes. “First things first, as I said, we’re going to have to lay low for as long as Khallos’ gang are on the warpath; and make no mistake,” she glanced meaningfully at Pixie. “They will be.” The sniper shook his head and turned away from her as she continued. “Some of our usual trading grounds are off the table for the moment, we’re gonna have to go off the beaten track a bit. Opal, I think you’ll have your work cut out for you.” “Just lovely,” the girl rolled her eyes, moving over and resting her head on Rou’s shoulder. “We keep far into the main market district, away from Khallos’ side of town. Even if we do get spotted they’ll be far less likely to open fire in such a crowded place. Even a nutcase like Khallos has his limits.” “Ok, so have you got other contacts to keep supplies coming in?” Eden said quietly from her position sitting cross-legged on top of a crate. “I know some names,” Echo replied. “We’re going to meet some new friends I reckon.” She bit her lip. “But some of our supplies, there’s no other people I know who can sell them to us. We’ll need to be extremely careful picking up the next shipments from Biggs and Indigo. Everyone goes armed, I’ll arrange for the pickups to be at night if I can and we don’t take any chances. In, out, home.” “Sounds ok,” Fridge shrugged. “But I don’t think we can keep that up for long. Khallos won’t give up; we’re going to have to make him back down.” “How?” Echo laughed humourlessly. “How the hell can we push Khallos around? There’s ten of us for fuck sake!” The big man frowned but said nothing. “Uh-huh, that’s what I thought.” Standing aside from the group Pixie looked back over his shoulder grimly at the last remark, fantastic schemes beginning to flow through his mind, each one crazier than the last. As the debate continued he made a stealthy exit up to his cabin in the bowels of the factory where he began to brood.

I had to read the first two chapters before I read that one, and I have to say that it’s ridiculous your story isn’t getting any replies at all! Well if I think about it, maybe it’s ‘cuz it’s hard to critique a story like this. I hope the comments update comes out very soon. If it had come any sooner than the time you’ve posted this, I’m sure it would’ve been flooded with many positive comments.

*begins critiquing uselessly*

You grammatical mistakes are extremely limited, I had to squeeze them out. The vocabulary used was very extensive and fit quite well. It is usually hard to use vocabulary effectively and lengthily without making the readers tense with all the complicated and fancy words.

Above all, I am really drawn in to the story and I’m very anxious to know what’ll happen to the gang.
The dialogue in this chapter was fun to read and it flowed very fluidly without awkwardness. I can tell the characters’ feelings through their words and actions, and their personalities were also conveyed very well. The quiet, serious Fridge, the temper-ridden Echo, the very secretive Pixie (although that is a very feminine name for such a person), the laid-back, romantic, yet dexterous Opal. It’s almost as if I know them myself.

The whole story is packed with adventure and action. And suspense, if I should add. Your descriptions are very well presented. Not too complicated and confusing (like mine), and not too simple and straightforward.

Sadly, this is an all-praise and no-criticise critique. I have jotted down a few things you may have improved if by a very little, but they’re mostly very juvenile. I’m not a very good criticiser, after all.

I am really looking forward to finding out what happens to the gang, and I hope the next chapter is as good as the ones before.

Good job!


EDIT: I have only received 0.25 points for that... it's not like I was expecting a lot of points for my lousy crit, but 0.25 points? Is that a glitch?

Originally Posted by the_knockon_effect CHAPTER 3 That evening the torrential downpour had finally slackened off leaving the streets drenched, rivers of rainwater flowing through deep rivulets in the cracked concrete. I think the comma use here kind of confuses me. I feel like it should be a new sentence, but the phrase after the comma isn't a complete sentence. Maybe...make the comma after "drenched" a semicolon and change "flowing" to "flowed"? Also, I feel like a comma is needed after "evening" and "off". I love the description here, though. Veritable lakes had formed in the bigger holes and blast I'm not sure "blast" is the right word here. It sounds like you're using it as an adjective, and just to be positive I looked up the word, and there is no such thing as "blast" being an adjective. So either you just used the wrong word or you're trying to say that the lakes blasted craters, which wouldn't entirely make sense either? So either way, I think you need to clean up this phrase a bit craters that littered the outskirts of the city Comma here, because the sentence after "and" is complete and some particularly ruined sections of the city became flooded entirely. The crater-like depression that housed the group’s factory hideout was spared this eventuality by the efficient draining system that they had taken great pains to maintain. It channelled the rainwater through underground canals that flowed through the city to an ancient water reservoir. None of the group "None" is used to describe numbers when related to a plural noun, such as "None of the people" instead of "None of the person". Since "group" is singular, it wouldn't make sense to use "none" to describe it, so you'd either have to change "group" to "groups" or reword the beginning here, like "No member of the group" or "None of the group members were" was Just a note, if you choose to go to the plural route, "was" needs to become "were" sure exactly where the reservoir was comma here, because the sentence after "but" is complete. Take a note that a comma is needed before a conjunction is the proceeding sentence is a complete one, and not needed if it isn't. For example, you do need one here, but if you were to say "The sky is blue and cloudy" no comma is needed, and if you were to say "The sky is blue, and it is cloudy" then you need one. but Echo had obtained enough blueprints of the canal layout to know their purpose. Inside their hideout comma however comma. However marks a sort of break in the sentence. there was far grimmer business than the rain being discussed as they stood in a rough semi-circle around Pixie, who looked rather sheepish about the whole affair. “Damn it man,” You should replace the comma here with a period. A comma goes after dialogue and before the second quotation mark if the character is saying something. A comma would have been appropriate if you wrote "...man," Echo said as he..." but since you're not writing that she said anything and moving right on to her action, a period should mark the end of the dialogue. Echo slammed her fist down on a metal table. “You’ve got to be careful who you shoot. Do you have any idea the kind of shit-storm you’ve just kicked off here?” “Well my bad,” the sniper muttered, massaging his temples wearily. “But I saved your skin there.” “You could’ve done it without blasting his head in half!” the girl retorted. “Hell comma here, even though it's in dialogue, for a pause could And here I think you mean "couldn't you have", since she's wondering why he didn't you have shot him in the leg?” “What the hell’s the problem?” Pixie spread his arms, meeting Echo’s gaze. “They backed out on the deal. They were all set to kill all three of you. They had a sniper of their own in the same spot we picked. The whole meeting was a straight bloody sham, so you tell me one good reason why I shouldn’t have left that bastard in a pool of his own blood.” “Sounds like a hell of a shot though,” Walnut interjected, winking knowingly at Pixie. “Between the eyes, 600 yards through the rain too.” This here period should be a comma now, since most of the time "smirk" is considered a way that someone says something. It's not necessary that you change it, because someone can smirk without saying something, but at first glance I thought that the dialogue should end with a comma, not a period. He smirked until Echo turned her furious glare on him. He bit his lip, turned his eyes to the floor and took a precautionary step backwards. She turned back to Pixie, her eyes shining with barely suppressed fury. “Alright fine, they’re a conniving bunch of snakes who ought to be killed off to the last man,” she spat. “But they are also the biggest, most well armed, and most downright powerful street gang within twenty miles! The fucking military don’t I'm guessing this person is more on the illiterate side? So far, her dialogue hasn't really shown this, so I'm just making sure "don't" instead of "doesn't" was intentional, though it's okay to have if that's the way the character talks mess with those guys! Khallos is going to be pissed and he’s going to do his best to hunt us down and kill us all, starting with you!” “Echo, c’mon he’s not wrong,” Jezzie put in, stepping roughly between the two. “That snake got what was coming. Yes, it’s landed us in some shit but hey, somebody had to stand up to those guys.” I'm really liking the dialogue so far. Dialogue's one of my favorite parts of a story, and you're really nailing the realism of it all so far. “But why us?” Echo through threw her hands up in exasperation. “We can’t fight a full blown gang war, we don’t have the means! All we’ve got going for us right now is that they don’t know we’re here. Who knows if they’ll figure it out Comma here, even if it is in dialogue, I still like good punctuation ;p but Khallos is a slimy bastard with almost unlimited resources; he’s definitely going to try. We’re gonna have to lay low for a long damn time, (again, punctuation isn't really necessary to be correct in dialogue, but I still like it to be. and that’s going to play merry hell with all our trade efforts, not to mention just getting food!” “Well there’s nothing I can do about it now,” Pixie shrugged, folding his arms and leaning against a hulking metal crate. “You can chew me out all you want, but that won’t change shit. What we need to do now is figure out what we’re going to do!” “Oh how observant of you,” Echo snarled sarcastically. “And who’s going to have to work around this mess? Me; I'd rather see an exclamation point here than a semicolon, or even a comma. I don't think it's really the right place for one. that’s who!” “Ok, ok, Personally, I like it much better when the word "okay" is spelled out, instead of just writing the two letters. I reckon we could all do with calming down just a bit,” Period here instead of comma after the dialogue. Rou had been standing at the edge of the circle quietly until this point, watching proceedings. He stepped forward holding up his hands pleadingly. “You’re both right. Yes, Khallos Khallos' to make it possessive brother got exactly what he deserved, and yes, that has dropped us in the proverbial hornets hornets' to make it plural nest. But the only thing to do now is figure out what to do. We’re all in this, so let’s all help find a way out of it.” He looked around appraising the group. Echo opened her mouth to speak but thought better of it, obviously not trusting herself comma here to conclude the interruptive thought and threw up her arms resignedly. “Well alright then.” “All fine and good,” Fridge cut in. “So, you got any ideas?” I love all of their names “Ah,” Rou looked sheepish. “Not off the top of my head.” “Uh-huh,” Period instead of comma since she did something, didn't say anything. Echo raised an eyebrow. “So it's. it's=it is its=possessive over to me I guess.” “Have you got a plan?” Pixie asked sourly. “As a matter of fact yes,” she replied, smiling for the first time that day. “Now I’m not saying this idea is going to be easy or safe, but the way I see it, it’s the only way to go.” She rubbed her eyes. “First things first, as I said, we’re going to have to lay low for as long as Khallos’ gang are on the warpath; and make no mistake Though it's dialogue, I don't think the ending of this sentence sounds right. I would replace the semicolon with a period and have "Make no mistake" its own sentence to make it flow better,” she glanced meaningfully at Pixie. “They will be.” The sniper shook his head and turned away from her as she continued. “Some of our usual trading grounds are off the table for the moment, so (or change the comma to a semicolon we’re gonna have to go off the beaten track a bit. Opal, I think you’ll have your work cut out for you.” “Just lovely,” period instead of comma unless "the girl said as she rolled her eyes" the girl rolled her eyes, moving over and resting her head on Rou’s shoulder. “We keep far into the main market district, away from Khallos’ side of town. Even if we do get spotted, they’ll be far less likely to open fire in such a crowded place. Even a nutcase like Khallos has his limits.” “Okay (again just a pet peeve. I don't think it's wrong to just put "ok", so have you got other contacts to keep supplies coming in?” Eden asked quietly from her position sitting cross-legged on top of a crate. The structure here's a bit off. I think at least a comma or a semicolon is needed after position because it describes the position that she's in “I know some names,” Echo replied. “We’re going to meet some new friends I reckon.” She bit her lip. “But some of our supplies, there’s there are for plural "people" not "there is". So change "there's" to either "there are" or "there're" no other people I know who can sell them to us. We’ll need to be extremely careful picking up the next shipments from Biggs and Indigo. Everyone goes armed, either make the comma a period and start a new sentence or add in an "and" here I’ll arrange for the pickups to be at night if I can Comma here since the next sentence is complete, though if it were me I would just end this sentence and make the next one its own. and we don’t take any chances. In, out, home. I think each of these words should be its own sentence to give it a more serious effect. "In. Out. Home." sounds more threatening and commanding than if the commas are used” “Sounds okay,” Fridge shrugged. “But I don’t think we can keep that up for long. Khallos won’t give up; we’re going to have to make him back down.” “How?” Echo laughed humourlessly. “How the hell can we push Khallos around? There’s ten of us for fuck sake!” The big man frowned but said nothing. “Uh-huh, that’s what I thought.” Standing aside from the group[color=red comma needs to go here. The previous phrase isn't complete but introduces a complete sentence.[/color] Pixie looked back over his shoulder grimly at the last remark, fantastic schemes beginning to flow through his mind, each one crazier than the last. This sounds a bit run-on to me. I might try to reword it, though it's not too bad. As the debate continued comma after prepositional phrases he made a stealthy exit up to his cabin in the bowels of the factory where he began to brood.

Okay, this is really really really good. The dialogue was definitely the best part of the whole thing, obviously probably because it took up the majority of it, but it was very well written. I could definitely believe the dialogue and it acted as the description of the characters. I could definitely get a grasp of their personality through what they said, which is awesome.

Really the only mistakes you made had to do with a wrong word or grammar and punctuation and a few other sentence errors. Even though this is the third chapter and you probably introduced the characters more in-depth at an earlier point (I'll have to go back and critique those later for you, too ;]) their personalities still showed here and I was able to get a good grasp on them even though I haven't read the previous chapters.

I love the plot you've got going, too. I can say I'm not entirely sure of what's really going on, but I'm still really interested at what's going to happen. Like I said, I'll have to read the previous chapters and then I'll probably have a better grasp for the story, but considering I haven't read them and still know mostly what's happening and can understand the characters and am interested, you've got something really good going on. You're writing style is very interesting, and I commend you for being able to include some more advanced vocabulary in there without having it sound too wordy. Keep up the good work, and I'll let you know what I think of the previous two chapters later

Originally Posted by the_knockon_effect Okay, there is no real title to this story, I'll get one eventually. I called it "Collaberation" simply because its one I'm working on with my friend. He's not much of a writer but has a wild imagination, so we figured we'd combine our efforts to make something. This is chapter one. Critiques would be welcome and appreciated. Basically set in a giant futuristic mega-city. Enjoy. CHAPTER 1 The rotted wooden door of the room caved inward with a splintering crack, sending pieces of broken timber soaring away in all directions. Great first sentence. I don't think anyone wouldn't want to know what this is all about A slender form hurtled through the resulting explosion, hitting the floor of the deserted room and rolling smoothly upright into a run. Leaping, the girl sprinted over the top of the long audience table, her long I think a synonym for "long" should be used here or before, because you've used them too close together and it sounds repetitive light hair streaming out behind her I feel like the first "her" isn't needed here. Just saying "long light hair..." would suffice here and would sound less repetitive, though it's not necessary. Reaching the end of the table comma here she made a second, powerful leap, no comma here and tilted backwards in mid flight, angling the heels of her well used boots towards the glass of the high window. Both feet connected With what? with shocking force, smashing the pane to shards andYou need a new sentence here. Get rid of "and" and add a period she flew through the aperture, out of the room, into space, dropping down almost twenty feet to land on a bulky pipe that protruded from the side of the building. Opal paused for a moment to regain her breath, crouching on the broad curving surface of the pipeline. She glanced back up at the shattered window for any signs of pursuit, but it appeared she had given her adversaries the slip, at least for the time-being. Taking a breath comma here she set off, following the carefully memorised set of instructions to the letter and dashing along the pipe to around half its length This is kind of an awkward phrase. I'm wasn't exactly sure what you're trying to say here when I read it the first time. I read it as saying "to the letter and the dashing of..." instead of a new action. Maybe a change in "to the letter" would clear it up? I don't know, but I would try rewording it and using different words to clear it up. I'm also not sure what you meant by dashing along the pipe to "around half its length" half the length of what?, before hopping sideways, dropping down onto another. This last phrase was a little confusing. I'm guessing Opal is the one dropping, but what's with the "onto another"? Maybe I'm just slow, but I'm not really following here, and I feel like instead of a comma you replace it with "and" to make it flow better. Landing flawlessly you need a comma after all of these phrases that explain the subject in the phrase after: landing carefully, she... trying to do whatever, she... always follow this phrase by a comma before starting the complete sentence she followed the second pipe to the end, where its bulky structure lay bent like a broken limb, drooping down towards the distant streets. She slid down the slope of the wrecked pipe and at the last moment, to make the sentence flow better, I'd add a "she" right here and take out the comma after legs bunched her legs, and jumped. Loving the description so far. It's not too much but definitely there and I can get a good sense of the scene happening. Reaching out comma she caught I don't think caught is the right word here. Maybe something like "grabbed onto" or grasped, caught sounds more like something was thrown to her the side of the window pane of the opposite building with a gasp, You don't need a comma here, because the preceding sentence isn't a complete one and then yanked herself up onto the side of the construction in a single fluid motion. This window was already smashed a comma should go here because the next sentence is complete, but I also think that "and" should be "so" because she jumps right in as a result of it already being broken and she dove inside, hitting the ground in a roll before springing to her feet again. Her boots pounded the dusty wooden floorboards as she ran, out into the main corridor comma here to end the interrupting thought and turned sharply to the left. She darted through the crumbling hallway until she reached the door to the stairwell, and without breaking stride comma here she smacked the door open, nearly tearing it from its hinges in the process. Rather than using the stairs conventionally "conventionally using the stairs" flows a lot better, she took a tight grip on the handrail with both hands and began vaulting, no comma here because you're still in the same thought over and over again with awesome speed, descending floor by floor until she landed at the entrance to the hotel’s car park. Still comma her blistering pace did not slow as she tore through the door and out into the deserted concrete expanse, her eyes locked on the fire exit in the far corner of the dimly lit chamber. She skidded to a halt at last when she reached the heavy metal door, checking that the tightly strapped backpack she was wearing, and its precious contents, were undamaged by the trip. Satisfied, she pushed the bar of the exit and the door opened with a dull clunk of protest, exposing Opal to the blaring light of the city once more I believe "again" would be more appropriate than "more", because saying once more would mean that only one more time would she do this, but once again means it happened again. The outer district of the colossal urban behemoth that spanned hundreds of miles displayed an ominous and neglected exterior that spoke of long lost grandeur. Towering buildings that had once been expensive hotels or political powerhouses now stood as mournful whitewashed tombs, sarcophagi of days long forgotten. Just want to say, this is a very good job of using some unusual words but not sounding too wordy or forced, but I wouldn't use too many big words, because it might turn off a few of your readers. It definitely makes your writing sound more mature when added in there here and there, but too frequently using words that no one really hears of could get annoying for people with not as an expansive vocabulary as you. It's not like you have to use a 3 year old vocabulary, but don't spice it up so much allll of the time, especially not so much in one sentence. Just some advice. The streets lay in ruins, their old tarmac surfaces cracked and pitted by years and years of disregard. Piles of rubble and smaller demolished buildings lay where they had fallen, any plans of replacement or repair long since abandoned, and boarded up structures dotted the streets as a depressing reminder of different times. Yet still the streets of the outskirts thronged with life. There were millions of people inhabiting the outer regions no comma needed here who were content to ignore and be ignored by the grandiose splendour of the inner city, a place separated from its chaotic counterpart by a gigantic ring wall of truly epic proportions. The aristocrats and the bureaucrats ran the prosperous inner district, backed up not only by the regular military police, but by the power of the Mechanised Weapons Division, or MWD. This infamous organisation constructed what were essentially robots, Instead of a comma here, try "that were" built specifically for the arena of combat and protected the inner city with an iron fist. By stark contrast there was virtually no policing in the outskirts. Firearms were easy to obtain comma and as a result comma hundreds of gangs had risen into power, being so well armed they were virtually private militaries as opposed to street fighters. A perpetual civil war raged every day in the outer regions, but the people struggled on and had even begun to thrive in the harsh new world. Opal jogged between the masses of people that clogged up the pavements with practiced ease, running through the next set of instructions in her mind. She still had several streets of potentially hostile territory to cover before she could consider herself safe, and the package she was transporting was of the utmost value. She neatly sidestepped a woman pushing a pram and hopped up over the bonnet of a parked car, her destination the only thing in mind. Darting across the broad street comma she dodged the steady cloying flow of traffic and made it to the corner of the next road. With a curse comma Opal back peddled frantically and dived into the nearest shadowed area between two crumbling buildings. She crouched down in a cat-like stance, watching the street intently, her senses tingling. A few seconds later comma the cause of her alarm trundled ponderously around the bend, smoke belching from its roof exhausts and wild whoops and roars emanating from its interior. It was, in essence, a tank. The bulky vehicle was around six to eight meters in length no comma here, next sentence isn't complete and was covered with a rusted armour plating that had been bolted on haphazardly, no comma necessary here like a patchwork carpet. The windows had been replaced by a protective metal mesh that was reinforced against weapons fire I know what you're saying here but I'm not sure it gets the message across. "weapons fire" supposed to be possessive? Or just meaning that it's guarded by people holding weapons who will shoot if they see someone trying to sneak in? It just confused me a little. Across the bonnet the words Seek and Destroy! had been scrawled messily in white paint. Gun barrels protruded from the smaller gaps in the sides of the machines machine's armour comma here, preceding sentence is complete and on the roof a pintle mounted cannon had been positioned. The figure manning the main cannon was waving his fists frantically in the air and shrieking as the hulking vehicle forced any other traffic out of the way. From her is it really her alleyway or the alleyway in which she's watching from not really making it her alleyway per se? It might be better to describe the alleyway adifferent way to avoid confusion alleyway comma here Opal watched grimly and ground her teeth together until they hurt. She continued staring at the tank until it was eventually lost from sight, then she waited until the roar of its engine faded away. Exhaling the long breath she’d been holdingcomma Opal stepped back out onto the street corner and glanced down the opposite direction, spotting the steely bulk of the vehicle in the distance. Shaking her head comma she turned and continued on her way. She darted across the road, dodging traffic as she made a beeline for a tiny dark alley that was blocked off by a mesh fence. Her pace increased as she approached it until she was running flat out. Are you trying to say until she was just completely just running? I guess I'm just not familiar with the term 'flat out' but it sounds a little odd here. Maybe full out instead? With a bound comma she kicked off the wall of the alleyway, giving her the added height she needed to grab the top bar of the fence with both hands. In the same motion comma after a prepositional phrase she vaulted over the fence and hit the ground running on the other side. As she wound her way through the back alleys that paralleled the main street comma after prep phrase Opal began to gradually relax no comma before a prep phrase as she entered the familiar surroundings of her home neighbourhood. The number of thick grey pipelines increased as she entered what had once been a vast industrial factory district, semicolon here instead of comma to further explain the place the location of her home. It was sunken into a crater like crater-like, dash always needed when adding like to a word to better describe it, if you know what I mean depression in the ground, and some buildings were I think the word "even" should be added here to show even more of a depression than already described totally submerged beneath a sea of rubble and rocks. Most of the old factories were interconnected by the network of pipes that resembled a massive web from above comma here for the complete sentence following "and" and the hulking central structure of the estate was the headquarters of the gang. I also feel though that this previous sentence should be by itself because it expresses more of a different idea, not really an addition to the previous phrase, if you know what I mean, and the next sentence should be connected to the previous one They used the massive pipe network to move around their domain undetected. Opal emerged from between a pair of smaller factories out into the expanse of the industrial estate comma here her pace now having slowed to an easy jog. With practiced ease comma she slithered down a rocky embankment if you use the word "which" it must always precede a comma. "That" doesn't need a comma before it, but which does, to be grammatically correct. which might have been the side of a building once, and landed on the remains of a thin road. She turned right and continued until she spotted a figure waving lazily, no comma from the entrance of one of the pipes that was protruding from the wall of the crater. A smile flashed across her face comma here and she sped up. She dug her feet into the rubble at the base of the embankment side and began clambering up towards the mouth of the pipe, and To make the sentence flow better I'd rather you change "and" to "as well as" the thin individual waiting. As she drew close enough comma the man reached out one hand and helped her up into the perch, where she let out a long sigh of relief and leaned against the side of the construction. “Fun trip?” Pixie enquired with a thin smile. She eyed him balefully. “As advertised,” she answered, flexing one shoulder and wincing slightly. “Pipelines, windows and stairs; I had to go like a damn jackrabbit.” The man raised an eyebrow then stood up, hefting the long barrelled sniper rifle clutched in his hands. “C’mon,” he began, his face dropping back into a bland impassive stare. “Everybody’s waiting, you got the stuff?” “Of course I do,” Opal answered irately. “Think I’d do a damn run through the plaza and come back empty handed?” Her companion shrugged and set off into the darkness of the pipe’s interior, pulling a flashlight from the back of his belt. Brushing dirt and grit from her clothes comma Opal shook her head at the figure before setting off in pursuit. The pair could probably have navigated through the tunnels without the light, but Opal was glad of the illumination nonetheless. semicolon here instead of a period She knew the pipe network inside and out just like everyone else who lived in the industrial district – it was a necessity – but she was a little claustrophobic. They twisted and turned dozens of times over a route that no outsider would have been able to navigate, through pipes of varying width and elevation until they spotted a well lit exit that signified one thing. Home. The home of the street gang was built inside a massive disused factory that was situated at the rough centre of the pipe network, with half its structure sunken into ground over the years, I'd rethink including this, because you already made these two points perfectly clear earlier in the chapter. If anything only touch on it for a moment, don't re-explain the home being at the center and being sunken in, or else take it out of its previous place in the text while the other half protruded nearly one hundred meters from the sea of rocks and debris. Dozens of corridors and rooms radiated from a colossal central chamber that was a cube-like shape, lined with gantries, stairwells and balconies. Walkways were suspended inside the main space, constructed of latticeworks of steel plating and This sentence is a big run on. Take out "And" and make the next phrase its own sentence, or get rid of "and" and "they" and make connected "connecting" they connected the various living quarters and defensive emplacements that filled the walls of the atrium. The pair descended down one of the many gridiron stairwells towards the base of the main hall where they could see the rest of the group waiting. Some were eating; get rid of the semicolon here and change it to a comma and write "others were playing" others playing cards and comma one man was practicing on a makeshift firing range with a rifle, though for the benefit of the others Why is it a benefit to others? he had attached a suppressor to the weapon. The idle buzz of conversation floated up to Pixie and Opal as they drew closer. A few minutes later comma they reached the floor where the rest of the group had assembled. The gang numbered ten members in all, semicolon instead of comma to explain the gang members a loose association of individuals without a single leader, like a small democracy. Their number was small compared to most of the bands that roamed the streets comma but the secrecy of their factory hideout coupled with their aptitude for guerrilla tactics ensured their survival. The massive individual that had been practicing at the firing range was called Fridge either add a comma here or add a semicolon and take out "and he was" and he was the enforcer of the group; a hard nosed, streetwise veteran with his hair chopped into a close military crop. He stood a towering six feet, six inches tall, with a barrel chest and tree trunk arms. His imposing physique was balanced against proficiency with firearms and his no-nonsense attitude made him a valuable asset to the group. Loooving this description. Perfect. Standing beside him, leaning against a supporting strut with her arms folded, was Jezzie, semicolon here a red haired, tomboyish girl with a fiery persona; This should be a new sentence. It's ranging on the long side and talking about a new person, so it deserves its own sentence. Take away and and you'll be good. and next to her stood the seventeen year old Dusty, a young engineering progeny. The others of the group were spread in a rough semi-circle: Walnut semicolon a wisecracking ex-policeman who sported a bionic lower left arm, a girl named Echo who was the logistics expert of the group, and Eden, semicolon the gang’s diminutive acting medic and newest member. Standing slightly apart from the rest comma the tall comma sombre Dawn eyed proceedings silently. She was a motherly individual who had taken Dusty under her wing after his parents had been killed, following a vicious shootout I think this should be reworded to clear up whether you're talking about how Dawn was following a vicious shootout or Dusty's parents has been, and she was for all intents and purposes his big sister. Pixie, the man who had met Opal at the pipecomma was her whose? State their name here to avoid confusion brother; a quiet, introverted individual, a vegetarian and a pacifist at heart. He was frequently morose and had a knack for aggravating the rest of the company with his scruples. However comma these were small disadvantages when compared to his incredible marksmanship, semicolon instead of comma a shady skill that had saved their lives several times during the many street fights the group had grafted through. Opal walked straight up to the last member of the group and kissed him, wrapping her arms lightly around his shoulders. “You alright?” Rou asked immediately, checking her for injury as she pulled away, pushing her hair to one side with a gentle movement of one hand. Opal laughed and kissed him again. “Just a few scrapes,” she answered comma resting her head on his shoulder for a moment. The pair had been together for almost three years now comma and I don't think and is the right conjunction here. Try "though" or "but" for contrast he was still always worrying, no comma every time she took an operation on her own. Releasing her hold on Rou comma she turned to the rest of the group with a thin smile playing on her lips. She pulled the rucksack from her back and held one hand poised over the zip. “Ladies and gentlemen, enjoy.” She grinned and opened the bag, revealing a transparent container that was packed with large shining red apples. The eyes of the group lit up and Dusty darted eagerly forward. Opal laughed as the young engineer pulled the container from the bag and yanked the lid off, rounding on the rest of the gang and holding offering Pick either holding or offering the apples out. With the state of the outskirts of the cityA comma here, and I think you should replace "with" with something like "Because of" It makes more sense in the sentence, flows better fresh fruit was a rare commodity, I'd get rid of the comma and write "that was" instead highly sought after and exspensive to obtain. The company didn’t hesitate comma and within a few seconds the sounds of crunching filled the air. “The genuine article,” Echo grinned, tossing an apple up in the air and catching it. “We owe you one.” “Mmmhmm,” Walnut smiled around a mouthful of fruit. “Good price for that crate I’d say, eh?” He nudged Fridge with his bionic elbow. The bigger man eyed him dangerously before taking a huge, ponderous bite out of his own apple. Walnut smirked and raised an eyebrow, returning to demolishing his. Part 2 -> http://www.youngwritersonline.net/showthread.php?t=5535

Okay so honestly, this is wonderful. I love your writing style and you've really got a unique plot going. It was very interesting to read and I absolutely love the characters already. The dialogue was great. The description was also excellent, though as I mentioned before, be sure not to use too many unique words or else it will ruin the wonderful effect of mature writing you have by putting in more uncommon words here and there. Make sure not to overdo it.

Your only big problem seems to be with you comma use. Make sure you pay attention to the places I told you you needed commas and imprint in your mind why they should be there. A main place you missed them was after prepositional phrases. Just take a look at this and you should be set for next time.

But honestly, other than the other few punctuation errors, this is a great start to a story. I really love it, and that;s saying a lot considering these aren't really the type that I read. It's also a good thing considering the amount of red that isn't in this critique. I almost feel like I'm losing my touch I actually might have to read it over again soon, just because I was kind of caught up fixing the commas that I wasn't paying attention to other things, but nothing stood out enough to grab my attention in the midst of correcting. So great job, and I'll have to get around to chapter two ASAP as well

This is the second part of Chapter 3, and there is a third one. (It's quite a big chapter )

Spoiler:

That night, the group took a break from any and all activity concerning their trading and supplies following the raging debate, and Echo knew they all needed to unwind somehow. The solution was a simple one. They’d have a night on the town, far from Khallos’ influence ring, at an establishment they frequented during easier days. It was a homely looking pub called the “Nightly Bonfire”, a name that referred to the worrying number of times the place had caught fire over the years. Now it was relatively safe, having had safety measures put in place by the new owners, but the name had stuck.

They were making their way down one of the safest neighbourhoods, in relative terms, in the outskirts of the city where the bar was built. Despite the crumbled roadside and demolished buildings, the place carried a bizarre kind of charm about it. Something about the demeanour of the people living here signalled contentment, and a gung-ho attitude towards life in general. Things seemed simply more vibrant and alive than the rest of the city.

Walnut placed a shrubber in his mouth and held the thin black stick between his teeth as he walked, searching his pockets for a lighter. With a grunt of triumph he pulled a well used specimen free of his back trouser pocket and raised it to the end of the shrubber. The lighter sparked feebly for several attempts before he lowered it in disgust.

“Fridge, you got a light?” he enquired, shaking his own lighter and examining it with one eye closed.

“Nope.” The big man grunted flatly, not even looking at him. Walnut frowned at his companion’s massive back as he walked on, eventually managing to get his own lighter working and setting the end of the shrubber to smoulder. He breathed in deeply, making the black stick’s tip glow more brightly.

“Those things are gonna kill you eventually.” Dawn remarked as she walked up beside him.

“We go through gunfights every other day,” Walnut replied, grinning around the shrubber as the light narcotic began to affect him. “And you’re worried about my life expectancy? Didn’t realise you cared that much.”

Dawn rolled her eyes. “Forget it you great numbskull,” she shoved him playfully. “Just makes all your crazy survival’s a little redundant don’t you think?” The man flexed his bionic arm and shrugged nonchalantly. “You even got Dusty started on those things.”

“Ah lighten up,” Walnut winked at her. “Let the kid live a little!” Taking another deep draw of the shrubber, he blew the smoke at her. She waved it a way with one hand and shoved him again with the other.

“Here we are folks,” Echo declared from the front of the column, gesturing to the stocky bulk of the pub with a sweep of one arm. “Let’s make this a good one.” There was a murmur of anticipation from the group as they approached the establishment, and they piled in unceremoniously into the Nightly Bonfire.

The interior of the bar was well lit by three broad flat discs in the ceiling, spread out evenly on the roof space. The bar was situated on the far right of the main room, with the name of the establishment behind it, scrawled in bright red spray paint. A dozen tables were arranged in a random pattern, with many of them occupied by pub regulars, who raised their drinks with raucous cheers as the newcomers entered. The man behind the bar, a large, jovial looking individual with a goatee beard around his grinning mouth waved the group over.

“Evening Cid,” Echo beamed a smile at the man, leading the group over to the bar and resting her elbows on the wooden surface. “How’s life?”

“Business as usual,” Cid answered with a nod of his head. “How about you guys?”

“Oh…complicated,” Echo laughed weakly. “Can I have a round for this sorry crew?” She gestured to the group behind her, and earned a light smack on the back of her head from Jezzie. Cid chuckled at their display and pointed to a pair of empty tables in the far left corner of the bar.

“Usual seats are free; I’ll get the round brought over. Make yourselves at home.” The bartender winked.

“Thanks Cid,” Echo gave the man a mock salute before turning and following the rest of the gang over to the tables.

She slumped into a seat between Eden and Dusty on the rightward table, letting her head loll backwards and closing her eyes. The buzz of conversation washed into her ears and she let herself relax for the first time in several days, snuggling into the soft back of the chair. For a few moments she blocked off the outside world, until she felt a light nudge from her left.

Opening her eyes Echo saw the tall burly figure of Cid’s brother and joint owner of the bar Vince, standing with two circular trays, each one laden with drinks. He placed them down on each table, flashed a shy smile then strode back over to the main bar. Shaking herself, Echo leaned forward and grabbed one of the glasses off the tray, raising it upwards in front of the crew.

“Bottoms up everybody.” she grinned and in the same motion the entire group knocked back their shots of the heavy, clear alcohol.

Dusty gritted his teeth and winced at the foul tasting concoction. “Fifty percent alcohol, fifty percent fucking battery acid.” He exclaimed jokingly. Jezzie grinned and wrapped one arm around his shoulder.

“Plenty more where that came from,” she winked mischievously, ruffling his short brown hair. Across from them Echo raised one hand and caught Cid’s eye over by the bar. The man cracked a sideways smile and nodded, signalling his brother to get another round of drinks. A few moments later another pair of trays, this time laden with an assortment of lighter beverages were laid down on the two tables.

Echo reached out and picked out her drink; an almost luminous green liquor, as if someone had cracked open a glow-stick into a glass, and took a long gulp. She let out a satisfied sigh and slumped back into the seat, letting all her constant worries slip away for the time being, replacing them with the rising hubbub of chatter and laughter from the group. Looking across at the other table, she cracked a smile when she spotted Walnut knocking back a shot of flaming liquid. The man’s face contorted into a grimace as he downed the bizarre concoction. From his left Fridge gave him a withering look.

She clinked her glass with Eden and the young medic smiled shyly, before taking a surprisingly violent gulp of her own drink. Echo laughed aloud at the sight.

“Take it easy eh?” she said.

“When was the last time we all went drinking?” the girl replied smoothly. Echo thought for a moment then shrugged and returned to her drink.

Two hours passed at the Nightly Bonfire and the drinks had flown thick and fast, keeping Vince busy as he ferried trays back and forth, between the bar and the tables. For Echo, the room had begun to sway ever so slightly, and she relished the feeling gleefully. Walnut had already tanked through a stunning amount of liquor and was now dancing around the bar, with a half smoked shrubber jutting from the corner of his mouth, stumbling around ridiculously to the music. Aside from his balance however the 33-year-old veteran was in fairly good shape. The others were all still going strong: Fridge as usual seemed barely affected as he smoked a long thick cigar, seated beside Dawn who was gingerly sipping from a whiskey glass. Dusty and Jezzie had both broken out their packs of shrubbers while Opal and Rou had snuggled together sharing a steaming hot pitcher of spirits. Eden was difficult to gauge because she hadn’t moved an inch since sitting down, but had simply drank.

Echo blinked as some movement from the door caught her eye, and she shifted in her seat to get a look at the newcomer, who was walking sheepishly into the bar. His hands were buried deeply into the pockets of a faded black jacket and his head was slightly downcast, the long fringe of his hair hanging down just over his eyes. One eyebrow shot up as she recognized Pixie. He walked over to the tables and stood, hands still in his pockets and attempted a smile as the eyes of the group turned on him. Walnut wandered over from the dance floor and wrapped his bionic arm around the stolid sniper’s shoulders, the weight making Pixie sway unsteadily.

“Well look who decided to show up,” he bawled. “If you’re done sulking will you have something to drink?”

Pixie couldn’t help a thin smile at his irrepressible companion. “I guess so.” he gingerly removed the metallic bulk of Walnut’s left arm from his shoulder and seated himself next to Fridge. He met Echo’s gaze and she stared at him for a few seconds before turning, catching Cid’s eye and pointing at the new arrival with a smirk.

This time Cid brought the next round of drinks himself, the two trays balanced on his thick forearms as he walked. Laying the trays down he paused at the side of Echo’s table.

“So,” he began in a heavy baritone. “How’s life ‘complicated’ these days?”

Echo sighed and placed her glass down, leaning forward in the seat. “Funny story that,” she glanced across at Pixie. “In short we got in Khallos’ bad books and now he’s probably on the hunt.”

“Shit,” Cid shook his head. “You guys put your foot in it well and truly.”

“Tell me about it.” She massaged her temples wearily.

“I don’t know if Khallos is the biggest problem these days though,”

Echo looked up sharply. “Say what?”

“Well, this is just a rumour,” Cid raised his hands, as if to support the disclaimer. “But I heard from some guys, came over from the West Tunnel a couple nights ago, told me there was MWD in the outer ring.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah,” the barman shrugged. “Apparently, good number of toasters, tore through one of the rougher districts out there. Killed every habganger they could find.”

“Why?” Fridge interjected.

“Not sure, said they came in during a shootout. It seems like they just wanted to put an end to the street fights down there.”

“Since when did the bloody clockwork circus give a damn about the outer city?” Jezzie put in, removing her shrubber briefly. “They’d rather just pretend we didn’t exist.”

“Hey I don’t know, I’m just telling you what I heard. If it’s true you guys should watch your step, ‘cos there are bigger fish than Khallos getting involved now.” The man rubbed his goatee beard thoughtfully. “I guess it could just be in that district but it’s still weird.”

“Thanks for the heads up,” Echo nodded. “But that’s over a dozen miles from here.”

“Yeah I know,” Cid shrugged again. “Anyway, enjoy your drinks.” He turned and made his way back over to the bar leaving Echo mulling over the strange news. Thoughts turned over in her head for a few minutes before she felt a slight dig in her ribs from the right. She turned and saw Dusty grinning.

“Liven up,” the young engineer chirped. “Get your drink down!” Echo frowned at him for a moment then cracked a smile, decided she couldn’t be bothered thinking, and grabbed her glass back up from the table. Tipping it back she downed the remainder of the first drink, slammed the empty cup back down onto the table and picked up the second. A fierce determination gripped her; she was going to have a good night. Everything with Khallos, and the government, could be put on hold until tomorrow.

So time trickled on, and by midnight things were reaching their peak, with the entire group showing obvious signs of the alcohol, with the exception of Pixie who wasn’t much of a drinker.

Originally Posted by the_knockon_effect CHAPTER 2 The rain was battering down unmercifully over the vast expanse of the "the" shouldn't be used here if you have a proper noun following it. If you were just to describe the city as "titan" then "the" would be used, but here it's not needed. Titan City in thick grey sheets, water cascading down rooftops and gutters, through streets and alleys in a thunderous deluge. Loving this first descriptive sentence. You do a really good job at using lots of description but not sounding too wordy, I must give you props. The lively outskirts were now devoid of life as people took shelter where they could I would replace "could" with something else...like "were able to" or something. When I was reading it, I read it like "they could...do something" if you know what I mean, like I started using this word with the next part of the sentence instead of the previous like I know I'm supposed to. from the fury of the elements, but now when their dealings were obscured comma (I'm not going to explain in this critique why you need the commas, since I'm sure you got an earful of that before XP So I'll just point them out) the gangs came forward to indulge themselves I'm pretty sure you need a word here, like "in" or "with" trading vast amounts of weapons and drugs in the dark hours. Down one narrow side road comma the group had arranged a meeting with one of the biggest local street gangs, led by a man named Khallos. Their reputation for brutality was well deserved comma but they were also the only nearby association who could afford the shipment of weapons the group had stolen, no comma. If you want to keep the effect you have going with a comma, I'd add in an ellipsis and the only ones with the guts to take it off their hands. Watching from a vantage point I think adding in a "that was" right here would make this sentence seem less run-onish several hundred yards away on the sixth floor of a disused warehouse, Pixie followed proceedings through the scope of his rifle. He was sitting just inside the window frame, resting the front supports of the powerful weapon on a makeshift pile of crates. Lying a few meters from him comma the unconscious form of another man who had attempted to take up the same position was tied against one of the thick supporting pillars. Pixie glanced at the other man briefly before returning to his scope, tense and ready to intervene should things spiral out of control. The other gang’s sniper was certainly a bad sign. Through the weapons weapon's to make it possessive sight comma Pixie watched the three members of the group, Echo, Jezzie and Fridge, approach the designated rendezvous point, lugging a hefty case containing the stolen weapons consignment. I can't tell if "weapons" is just supposed to be plural here or if the consignment of the weapon was stolen, therefore meaning it should read "weapon's" The group stood tall despite the hammering rain comma and they laid the gun you mean gun's? Also, this combination of these two sentences is a little off. Like, I can't really see why them standing tall despite the rain has to do with them setting the metal container on the ground, if you know what I mean. metal container down on the concrete surface of the alley. It was not long before members of the other gang made an appearance comma and instantly comma, though here I would reword this second half of the sentence to read ", and Pixie instantly decided..." It flows better that way Pixie decided something was up. For one thing, from his vantage point comma he counted at least eight of them, semicolon here instead of a comma far more than necessary to make a payment and haul a crate. He pulled back the firing bolt of the rifle and waited. Echo eyed the newcomers warily, squinting against the rain that plastered her long dark hair down over her shoulders, her hand slipping almost unconsciously towards the pistol strapped to her hip. The leading individual leading individual of what? You haven't referred to the other gang in a little, so for all we know you could be talking about the gang we were originally introduced to. Just try to clear that up a little was a tall, wiry man adding "who was" I think would make this part of the sentence sound better. "ing" verbs come after commas a lot of the time, and I don't think one would fit here nicely carrying a vicious looking machine gun with an ad-hoc bayonet strapped roughly to the barrel. She met his gaze as he stopped, standing perhaps three feet away comma and he glared sourly back at her. Inwardly she smirked I would reword this as well, "She smirked inwardly" flows a lot better; he didn’t seem to be enjoying the weather. “Is that it?” the man grated, nodding his head towards the weapon case. Echo raised an eyebrow and nodded as more men appeared out of the wall of water, a bristling assortment of guns held clearly in evidence. Behind her comma Jezzie and Fridge exchanged looks. What kind of looks? Amused? Worried? Nervous/Anxious? Determined? “A lot of men to haul one crate,” You should end this line of dialogue with a period if you're not describing how Echo said this. If you move right onto the action, end the dialogue with a period. For instance, if you'd said "...one crate," Echo said as she indicated..." then the comma is needed, but you move right onto her indicating, which is completely fine, but the comma should be a period. Echo indicated the other men with a wave of her hand. “What’s the matter, you don’t trust us?” “You’re very suspicious,” the hawk faced man returned, smiling thinly. “We’re here to make a deal, just like you.” He reached into a pocket of his sodden jacket and pulled out a small bag that jingled invitingly. “300 alloys, right here.” “That’s an amusing figure,” Fridge’s deep voice cut in sharply. “Since we already agreed on 600.” Echo shot the big man a warning glance as the newcomers face flashed with indignation. Turning back comma she spread her hands. Not sure what you mean here by "spread her hands". It could just be apart? Or to her sides? Or held up at her sides? I'd like a little clearer of a picture here to try and decipher her body language “He’s not wrong,” she began carefully. “Any reason for the price reduction?” “You know why,semicolon instead - remember even if it's within dialogue you should still use correct punctuation its it's expensive government shit!” the man snapped. “That means it’s dangerous for us to take it on board. That means you give us a discount.” “Bullshit!” Jezzie butted in angrily comma stepping forward alongside Echo. “You guys are a fucking powerhouse; the government doesn’t give a rat’s ass about where you buy your crap. You knew it was imprinted when we made the first deal!” “Keep your dog on a leash,” the man sneered, narrowing his eyes at Jezzie. “The deal’s 300. I think you should take it.” “Really?” Echo said, placing a restraining hand on the other girl’s arm. “Is that a threat then?” “A suggestion.” “Uh-huh, I think we’ll just find another buyer.” She shrugged. “Oh you think so? Who else has got the money or the balls to take this stuff off your hands?” “I’m sure we’ll find someone.” Echo turned her back on the man and extracted the response she’d expected. “Don’t you dare,” he snarled. “You can either take the 300, or we can leave you all in body bags and we’ll take the weapons anyway!” Instantly Fridge pulled back the firing bolt of his massive two handed machine gun and took a heavy, determined step forward. “Back off,” he growled dangerously. “If any body gets killed here I can tell you, I'd either get rid of the comma altogether here or get rid of it and add in a "that", either one would be better, the pause here is kind of an awkward place you’ll definitely be one of them.” “We can all walk away now,” Echo stepped in. “Nobody gets hurt, everybody’s happy. Okay?” “I don’t think so,” hissed the man. In a sudden movement comma he leapt back and whipped up his rifle with an animalistic snarl. Then a single shot rang out. The bullet slammed between the man’s eyes before he could fire, snapping his head backwards and blowing out the back of his skull. The rifle he was holding, would be good to add in here to describe exactly which rifle it is flew into the air comma and his limp corpse slumped onto the roads, the pool of blood I'd explain where the pool of blood is from, like I know it's obvious, but to add a little more description. Like "...blood flowing from his head" but, ya know, with more description being quickly dispersed by the rain. His entourage stared slackly at the body for a moment, shock clear in their faces. As soon as one man snapped out of the stupor and pulled up "out" is probably a better word than "up" a shotgun, the deafening roar of Fridge’s machine gun split the air as the huge weapon erupted into [color=red] life, spewing shots at a furious rate across the narrow space of the alleyway. Two men collapsed screaming either add a comma before and after "screaming" or rephrase it "Two men scream as they collapsed to the ground" something like that to the ground as the rounds found their mark there are multiple rounds so there should be multiple marks, and a third was cut down as Jezzie let go a well aimed burst from her rifle and fourth was shot in the back by another sniper bullet as he turned to run. This sentence is very run on. I'd try to break it up somehow Their adversaries didn’t fire back comma and the survivors sprinted off into the rain, no comma to the safety of their home hideout. The trio stood for a moment, still tense but though should replace "but" the other gang were and change "were" to "was" long gone for the moment. Reluctantly comma Fridge let the still smoking barrel of his weapon drop. “Fuck sake!” Echo snarled, spinning and kicking the heavy metal container. She bit her lip as pain lanced through her foot. “Just once I'd either add a comma here or put "Just once" at the end of the dialogue, it would sound better can’t the god damn deal go as we fucking planned it!” After waiting a moment to calm herself, she rounded again and walked over to the corpse of the first man. She crouched down at his side and examined the body for a moment. Then she swore. “What is it?” Jezzie asked. “I think Pixie’s fucked up this time.” “Meaning?” “This guy,” she started as she (remember if there's a comma after dialogue then you have to explain how someone said something before the action turned her head, meeting her companion’s eyes and pointing at the face of the dead man, his eyes still showing an expression of dull shock. This sentence isn't too bad but it is a little bit of a run on, if you can fix it up great, if not then it's not a big deal “I think it’s Khallos’ brother.” Part 3 -> http://www.youngwritersonline.net/showthread.php?t=5589

Really liked this chapter! I always say I love your description and dialogue and that you should improve your comma use, but that's expected. There's really nothing else I can comment on that I haven't on your first chapter or chapter three. One thing I would do is describe the surroundings and the setting a little more, because you have very good description but not so much about the setting. You want your readers to have a good visual in their mind of both the characters and the setting as well as what they're doing.

Also continue to work on your sentence structure and avoid the run ons. Try reading your work out loud to make sure it makes sense, because you catch a lot more when you read your words out loud instead of in your mind. It's a great way to catch mistakes.
Keep it up though, I'll definitely be onto chapter four shortly