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Old 06-08-2017, 02:23 AM View Post #4 (Link) The Princess in the Waist Apron
Molly (Offline)
Literary Newbie
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: US
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Hi ac_writer!

"Excuse me, but where is my coffee!" Ok, so the first sentence you have here did not engage me particularly, but it did leave me wondering what might happen next. Maybe you could work on this first sentence a little more, possibly expand it to give it a gripping sense.

On the other side of diner, Jane turns around towards the voice. This sentence was a little awkward to read, maybe take the end of it and out it at the front of the sentence, and take the front of the sentence and put it at the end, for instance: "Jane turns around towards the voice on the other side of the diner." Having this sentence this way will help it have smooth readability. A beautiful woman sitting at the front counter glares right at her describe the woman's features more, giving the reader a reason to believe that she is beautiful, and also to imagine her more that way., holding her the mug high in the air and giving it a little shake to make her point come across. I like the ending to this sentence, it gives emphasis and provides emotion. Nice job!

Jane gives a strained smile while giving a quick glance over at her co-worker, Tina, who was already busy with taking orders from a large group sitting at a table in the middle of the room. Tina glances back at Jane and gives her a sympathetic smile before returning to scribbling in her notepad.

"I'll be with you in a moment miss!" Jane calls out, before turning back to the couple she was currently serving, setting down their entrée's down onto the table carefully.

"It certainly is a busy afternoon today," Jane thinks to herself as she heads to behind the counter, weaving through the crowded tables. As she narrowly passes by, she hears bits and pieces of people's conversations.I like how you talked about what she was hearing here

Upon reaching behind the counter, Jane picks up a coffee pot and pours the steamy liquid into the woman's mug. All the while, the woman taps her manicured nails impatiently on the counter, continuing to glare at Jane as she pours her the coffee.

As she is doing this, Jane hears the tinkle of the bell on the front door and see's sees a, not so bad looking, guy come strolling in I would take "not so bad looking" out here. It was a little awkward for me to read, and again you could maybe describe him with a different word He glances at her with a kind smile and sits a couple seats from her and the woman, waiting patiently as he stares up at the menu on the wall.

Jane puts the coffee pot back on the coffee maker, rubbing her hands on her waist apron before she walks over to where he sits.

However, she did not get far from the woman before Jane heard this the comment the woman mumble mumbled to herself.

"I can't believe I had to wait for that fat lady to wobble over here to finally get me some coffee. Talk about bad service," mumbles the woman before she takes an annoying loud sip of her coffee.

Hearing this caused Jane to pause from walking for a millisecond before subconsciously swiping away the hurtful comment as she continued to approach the man. She had heard many comments before about her looks over the years, and had learned to grow thick skin because of it.

She takes out a little notepad and pen from the pocket in her apron and gives the man sitting in front of her a kind smile.

"What would you like to eat?" Jane inquires, pen poised over her notepad.

(This is all I have so far; What do you think should happen next?)[/QUOTE]

I enjoyed this story, but it was not as intriguing as your others. Maybe edit your writing more, and really concentrate and think about any errors your story might have. Our own errors are the hardest to recognize, sometimes because in our head we know what we want to say and what we mean, but that isn't how it always comes out. This is a good story with lots of potential, so keep at it!
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