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Old 08-30-2009, 09:01 PM View Post #6 (Link) I really enjoyed the simplistic ending
VonniiKP (Offline)
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This is something I wrote a while back, I recently found it on my laptop and quite liked it so thought I'd post it here to see how it stacks up. Any comments, criticism and suggestions shall really be appreciated! Here we go:

A cool wind rustled the branches of overhanging trees as the two sat side by side listening to the gentle current of glittering water. Kisses of iridescent starlight left slivers of silver upon the flow that continually passed the watchers, renewing its riches with each slow rotation of the earth towards the stars.

He turned his head to look at her. Shadows flickered across half her face whilst the other languidly beautified the silver light. His finger-tips touched hers softly and he traced his fingers in delicate circles across the back of her small hand. Their eyes met with special understanding, the kind so certain it conveyed as undeniable a truth as that two and two is four. A word rose in the man’s throat, borne upwards by the fires of this understanding, a single articulation of the universe that exploded before them- yet his lips could not condemn such beauty to definition.
“Do you remember the last time we were here?” the girl asked.
“Yeah, I do. Last summer right?”
The girl nodded, looking out across the water before asking “it’s weird how much has changed isn’t it? I mean, I hardly knew you back then. It was just a casual ‘hi’ in the corridor followed by a little glance back when I knew you were looking away. But then after that night…” He looked at her as she paused a while. “Do you remember it?”
“Of course I do yeah. We’d all been out in town, like the big group of us, and then I asked to walk you home. Still have no idea where that came from.”
“Well, either way I’m glad you did. And then we ended up here and just sat and talked about everything. I feel like I learnt more about you in that night than I could after years of knowing some other people. It’s just weird to think that ever since then while people, people I’ve known for years, have faded away you’ve stayed, grown closer.”
“I know, and I’m not going anywhere.”
“I, I’m scared though Mike. How many more summers like that could there be? There can be only so many stars in the sky, only so much music we can dance to then… that’s it, our best years have gone and there’s nothing we can do to recreate them.”
“Well then,” he lightly reached out and turned her head so that they were looking directly into each other, “we’ll just have to keep dancing for as long as we can.”

Touching the girl’s hand, Mike kissed away her crystal tears. They sat holding each other, the silence between them more profound than any of the preceding words or thoughts could be. It was a rare silence, the kind that only emerges where there’s an understanding that words are inadequate to fill its space, where to breathe sentences is to suffocate its beauty. Not the intrinsic beauty of refined jewellery or Monet watercolours but that which can only exist between two people, an external point of intangible brilliance fixed in neither time nor space.

They held each other for a while, Mike listening only to the ticking of the their hearts as they rhythmically suspended the silence.
“I’ve really got to go,” the girl said, pulling her head back from Mike’s shoulder to look at him.
“Ow, not now, this moment is so…”
“Perfect. I know Mike. But tonight has to end at some point.” He watched her smile and felt his involuntary lips do the same.
“Yeah I know it does, but I wish it didn’t.”
“Me too, but you can’t keep things like this in a vacuum. We’ve had tonight and its been great. That’s enough for me.”
“Oh, don’t start on your thing about the finite nature of perfection and all again.” Mike knew she’d smile at this. She had this rare smile, the kind that curls right up to the cheekbones and inspires the whole face to smile with it, to contribute further to its radiance. That smile could charm the world. No, Mike corrected, that was her eyes too.
“Don’t worry I’m not going to. Besides, my lift’s waiting for me so I wouldn’t have the time.”
“Tell your Dad he saved me then,” Mike said. She smiled and their laughter gently tumbled throughout the air around them, dancing criss-cross over the water to meet with the starlight.“I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said. Still looking at her, he felt his hand being reassuringly squeezed. They kissed each other softly.
“Want me to walk you or anything?”
“No, it’s fine,” she replied. “See you tomorrow Mike.”
They kissed again.
“See you tomorrow.”

Mike watched her slip away into the darkness. He sat and watched that moment fade, the passing of each deathly second dragging it kicking and screaming out of the present and into the past. The beauty was extracted leaving only flickering grey shadows to clutch to; phantoms haunting that graveyard called memory. The burning in his chest cooled as the night became cold around him. ‘How’ve I seen it put before?’ he thought, ‘“wanting fiercely to paint her, to set her down now, as she was, as with each second she could never be again.” Something like that. But I think even Fitzgerald had it wrong, missed the point. Sure, tonight has gone, but she’ll remain beautiful tomorrow and the day after, and even though that moment is lost to time I know there will be other moments and more moments still and each one as perfect as the last.’

- Just then Mike heard the short high notes of swallow-song coruscate throughout the night. He turned his head towards the source of these fresh disturbances in the air. The bird was soaring upwards through the starlight singing beautifully for nothing more than the attention of the silent observers above it that shone their applause from infinitesimal distance. It swiftly descended towards earth on its return-flight and cleanly landed a few yards short of Mike’s left. He looked at it a moment,
Originally Posted by MattCKT View Post
confident now that other perfections too could find their way home.


This is a truely beautiful piece of writing. I have put all my favourite phrases in the text in bold as they are truely infitting with the setting you are trying to make. I really enjoyed the ending scentance as it is very simplistic makes the reader reflect upon the message of the story. I think the characters of mike and his girlfriend were well defined. This is not the sort of work i would normally read or enjoy but i feel that your style of writing is absolutely fantastic

I think your dialogue is well written as personally i find writing dialogue very hard to do and not make it boring or ruin the atmosphere that i am creating so think you have a real knack for dialogue. I also thought your choice of language is very mature, this gives the narration alot more emphasis to the reader

I didn't highlight your gramatical mistake as i am sure you are aware of them butb they are very few so i didnt think that wuld be nessecary in my critique. I am sorry that i cannot say much else about yuor piece i am not one who can easily evaluate things but i gave it my best shot and sorr about the numerous grammar and spelling mistakes made in this evaluation
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