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Old 02-04-2018, 03:56 AM View Post #2 (Link) A Couple Suggestions
goodusername (Offline)
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: The United States
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Hi there! I enjoyed your story's opening on the adventure. It brings a sort of relaxing and realistic approach to a host of different mischiefs and mayhems, assuming that's where you're going with your story. However, I felt like it was missing something.
I think your story may need an element of emotion to it. Unfortunately, this vacation seems way too scheduled and scripted. Ask yourself this: "Why are they going to Venice? What are they bringing with them? What measures have they left behind to possibly prevent the girls from creating chaos?" Also, the girls didn't seem very sad at all about their parents leaving, which seems slightly unrealistic. I believe that they would at least be a bit concerned about their father.
Also, to go above and beyond, bring just a little suspense into the picture. End the chapter with a sentence that foreshadows what is to come like: "Who knew in this one simple week we'd manage to get ourselves entangled into a club like that?"
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