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Old 01-24-2018, 02:48 AM View Post #2 (Link) Keep Track of Your Thoughts
goodusername (Offline)
Literary Newbie
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: The United States
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Disclaimer: I enjoyed this section even more than the other, so please note that I'm happy to read it!

The primary thing I would change is the fact that you go off on tangents. You told me that the boy was walking out the door, and then you gave me descriptions of why his mother snores and the key is in the flower-pot. While these details can easily "pizazz" a story, they can create another problem. Your readers might forget what you were talking about beforehand.
If you wish to keep those short descriptions, I would consider adding them in a different way.
Try adding them when describing the mom, so it isn't off-topic:
"I was confronted by my mother again. She looked so mad that she wanted to cry, but how could I tell? Her eyes were always clouded with the stress and toil from working in the bank. I could've been rude to her, but I sympathized with her sorrow..."
You see where I'm going?
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