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Old 01-01-2018, 03:41 AM View Post #3 (Link) A Critique
urielyr (Offline)
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Bold are comments, Strikeouts shoud be removed, Italics are word sugggesstions and grammar, andUnderlined tex

Look out, it's like a leprosy.
Really strong start. I like it.
I mean my unluckyunhealthy way of life. Reading this you might get might get youinfected, unless you have nothing to lose or have enough desperate courage to read this story, come on, go ahead. I'm definitely an ugly and ineffably fat guy, therefore I have never been lucky with girls. I put up with the circumstance, saying to myself: I don't care about girls, love, dates, and all that kind of things. I led a quiet, monotonous, meticulous life, filled with reading books and writing shitty stories about rotten things.
By and by I learned to despise girls and made agreat progress in regards with this issue.
Every time I felt unbearable unbearably blue and was longing for girls. I used to devour food, and it usually helped.
It took ten minutes to destroy my comfort and habitual way of life, to smash the order in my soul and mind and turned me into a stupid, crazy animal wooing a female.
I heard some guy murmur: don't tell us, show us and I am in love with a show. Well, why not? Don't see how this connects to the story. I would remove it.
It was eight o clock A.M. when the bell in a lounge of our house rang.
I was eating food surreptitiously in the kitchen, emptying a refrigeratormethodically in methodical way and I was by no means glad to be so irrelevantly rudely interrupted.
But the ringing persevered, and it seemed nobody was eager to open the front door.
I slammed the door of the fridge and cursing my parents and my sister, Lily, for not responding the bell, headed for the front door.
Having opened it, I found myself in front of a girl of about sixteen, clad in blue jeans and a white blouse with the top button unbuttoned. Her face radiated freshness, energy and vitality; her long bright hair sparkled under the timid touching of the sun rays.
At the sight of my enormous body, habited in night gown Who?, she stepped back and grew pale. There appeared a hint of worry in her blue, wide open eyes. I froze in the doorway with an open mouth andsalive dripping out off it.
After a few seconds her eyes sparkled again, petals-lips parted in a smile, revealing glistening, slightly damp teeth.
"You George? My name is Anna. Is Lily at home?"
"Yep," I muttered. "She's still sleeping."
"Impossible, I talked to her half an hour ago. We are going to the sunday school."
"Very nice. Why didn't she open the door?" I grumbled.
"George, you blocked the whole doorway, damn hippopotamus." Lily's voice came from behind. "Let her come in."
" Oh, I'm sorry," I removed my body to the drawing room, peeped out from there and with deep interest watched Lily and Anna tenderly kissing each other.
What impressed me most of all was that Anna's hair flew up for a moment and when they returned slowly on her shoulders I felt something entered my soul. My heart palpitatedI had to look up what this meant. Not good., and every cell of my body got a powerful impulse and was filled with some strange if not to say overwhelming weird energy.
"How long you've been waiting?" Lily asked.
"No more that ten minutes," Anna answered.
"I was taking a shower," Lily said. "Would you like a cup of tea?"
"Thanks, I've already had breakfast. And you?"
"I had it in the bath."
"Really," Anna burst out laughing. "That's nice." During this inconsequential dialog her playful glance slipped upon my frozen face and (I suppose) burning eyes and bounced away.
She blushed slightly and went on talking in somewhat hurried way.
What did she see in my eyes? Did she feel anything at all? Did she know that she was going to ruin my life?
While these questions flashed in my head with abruptness of lightnings, Lily said to Anna "I'll be ready in five minutes." And she went upstairs.
Anna had a seat on a sofa in the parlour.
I hurried to the kitchen, loaded a tray with enormous quantity of food and rushed to Anna.
" A little snack, please, " I babbled, feeling trembling in my knees and incredible excitement elsewhere.
She stared at the mountain of food on the tray, looked at me and laughed heartily.
At this point my sister, dressed in black jeans and a red jacket, entered the sitting room and declared "I'm ready!"
Anna fluttered off the couch, and both of them laughing and joking disappeared behind the front door.
I sat on the couch, still warm from the touch of the beautiful part of Anna's body and began to devour the food on the tray. I ate all the food and was sitting on the sofa lost in thoughts, remembering the look, face, Anna's body, her movements and gestures.
Had I drank a bottle of wine, I wouldn't have been so woozy. I waited in the living room, hoping Lily would return with Anna. But Lily came alone.
I asked her about Anna, and she looking at me surprisingly, shrugged and said "She went home. Why?"
I blushed.
Lily looked at me point blank rather suspiciously and exclaimed, laughing "Oh, George, that's wonderful! You laid your eye on her? Ha, ha, ha. Forget about her! Do you know how many tough and cute guys are wooing her without any result?"
"What makes you think I care about her? I don't."
"Easy, easy George, no need to shout" she said with an ironic smile. "By the way, you know what she asked me on the way to the sunday school?"
" What?" I sprang from the sofa in the high degree of excitement.
"She asked me: Is your brother an imbecile?"
I sat down slowly on the sofa with tightly clenched fists and taste of vinegar in my mouth.
Lily, convinced that she had annihilated me totally, went to her room.
From that moment I fell into a state of desperate longing for Anna. Day after day from morning to evening, I thought about her.
I would go to bed with her image in my mind's eye. I could not sleep, I would rush down into the kitchen, and I violently devoured food.
Lily was full of scornful and poisonous sarcasm. She began storing some food in her own room. Our parents were horrified. Every day they brought a van full of products, but every morning the fridge was empty again.
" Where's Anna," I asked Lily two weeks after Anna's first visit. "How's she doing?"
"You needn't worry about her, George," Lily answered with caustic kind of smile. "She's fine. But you didn't follow my advice. You seem to have a crush on her, and it's an awful mistake of yours."
She gazed at me with a snake kind of grin and triumph in her shrewd gray eyes.
What could I say to this? She told the truth.
I was crazy about Anna, and there was no use denying it.
" I wanna see her," I said decidedly.
"What for?" Lily's face expressed the highest degree of amusement.
" Just to see her..." I answered. "Don't ask, just take it as it is."
"It's not me, but you'll have to take it as it is."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, have you seen her? Have you seen yourself in the mirror? Do you think you'll make a pair?" Lily's lips curved in contempt. "Are you a man to accept this without whining?"
"I know that she is a resplendent princess while I'm fat funny freak, I know it damn well, but I can't help seeing her. I'm gonna die, if you don't help me!" I cried
"Oh, my God" Lily sighed. "Well, I can arrange for you to meet her, provided that you forget about her forever afterwards.. Can you promise this?"
"Deal! I swear not to disturb her afterwards and you on that occasion anymore."
Lily took the phone and made a call.
"Hi, Anna, I'm going to the gym tomorrow night, will you join me? At six P.M. Kiss you! See you tomorrow."
Lily hung up and looked at me. "Did you hear? Here's the address." Lily handed me a glossy card.
I rushed to kiss Lily but she shied away with disgust and said, "Remember your promise!"
The next day I put on my racing suit made of white parachute silk, got into the truck and went to the blessed club.
The more I approached it, the more faster my heart was pounding. I felt some sweet agonizing feeling Uh... in my spine, and my hands were sweating and became cold like afrog. I was greatly worried about this fact because I thought what if she wanted a handshake she'd feel this horrible, clammy skin of mine. And then I thought, in that case, I would kiss her hand. The club was no more than a two-story building and it was very long and was decorated with glittering lights outside. At the entrance I saw Lily's car among many others.
I parked my truck a little way off and went inside the club. I walked into the brightly lit hall where music was blaring and a bunch of girls and guys were dancing fitness under the command of a fitness instructor who was a woman with perfect body, clad in black tights.
I saw Anna at once. She was dressed in yellow tights and a red shirt. Her hair were swaying and sparkling under the bright illumination. She was smiling.
On seeing me the instructor exclaimed "Join the crowd at once and dance!" I obeyed.The girls made way and a moment later I was jumping vigorously among them.
I was near my sister who touched Anna's hand and nodded at me. Anna cast a sidelong glance at me and I forced a smile when our eyes met.
I was jumping very high because my spirit became fantastically was high. A moment later I felt the floor under my body was broken through broke and I fell down unto a deep dark hole. I heard the awful screaming above me: "Are you Okay?"
"I'm fine" I answered, touching a pile of damp cold packets. "Will you help me to get out of here?"
Having shouted this I felt dizzy and lost conscience.
I woke up in a hospital ward. Next to me sat my sister and Anna. As soon as I opened my eyes, they smiled and Lily spoke hastily, "George, are you okay? You hear me?"
I stared at Anna and mumbled "Am I dreaming?"
"No, George, it this is absolutely real!"
"Oh God, I broke the floor in the club, there must be some consequences? Are they going to sue me or what?"
" Oh, George!" Lily exclaimed. "You don't remember really? Dude, you are a hero! Your photo is going to be on the front pages of newspapers., The tv news are buzzing about you! The article they wrote about you in internet has over a million hits!."
"What are you talking about? Did you, girls, come here to make fun of me?"
"No," Anna said. "That place, where you fell, turned out to be a basement full of arms and explosives. Terrorists were preparing the bloody mess. All of them got arrested now. Congratulations, George, you are a hero!"
"Our boyfriends want to shake your hand!" Lily said.
"What boyfriends?" I was worried.
"Mine and Anna's," Lily winked at me. "And remember your promise!"
"Oh, yeah," I sighed.
Two guys entered the ward and came up to my bed. We shook hands and they came out along with the girls.
I leaped from the bed, rushed to the door and peeped out.
Anna and her guy were kissing in the hall. They were so plunged in this sweet action and didn't even notice me.
I came up staggering to the bed and collapsed on it. I sobbed in despair and shouted "I wish I was dead in that damn basement!"
Overall comments:

I enjoyed the story, although your grammar and word choice could use some work. Though another commenter mentioned this, and I didn't find this a problem is Separating paragraphs. You can look at his comment for details.
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