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Old 12-31-2017, 06:43 PM View Post #2 (Link)
Keladry (Offline)
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Hello, Rebekah! It's been a while since I've critiqued but your post caught my eye. It sounds like a journal entry, I like that.

Picture the scene
This feels like a placeholder title. It doesn't have its own meaning, really, and telling the readers to picture the scene is a bit redundant. If they're reading it, they're probably already picturing it.

So, picture the scene. Actually, for a first sentence, I'm okay with 'picture the scene'. It still doesn't have its own meaning, but it does create voice, and it's your voice that I love about this. I’m Alex (Alexandra, but I can’t stand being called that), and I have an unidentical Interesting vocabulary here. The word for twins who aren't identical is fraternal, but using 'unidentical' makes it sound like the twins are identical, but Alex wants to make clear she is not like her sister. twin sister called Megan. I am older by 2 minutes and I never stop reminding Megan of that (which she hates). Even though we wind each other up, we get on pretty well. Usually. Anyway, we both took are GSCE’s last term and now it’s the summer holidays. We got are results last week and............. You only need 3 dots (...) or it starts looking unprofessional. It's clear that you want your voice to be informal, but the informality should come across in your word choice and writing, not in the spelling, mechanics and punctuation and all that. we both smashed it! So now, all that we want to do is party, hang out with our mates and generally chill. However there is one problem: mum. She is soooo strict and just wants us to revise for year 12! Dad, on the other hand, doesn’t want that, he wants us to be able to forget school for a couple of weeks and just relax, but if you disagree with our mum, you’re literally dead 'literally' dead? That changes the meaning of your story so much! Will she physically kill Alex's dad for disagreeing? Obviously 'literally' is used for emphasis in dialogue, and doesn't truly mean what it used to, but it's still a word you want to be very careful with. and I know that only too well. Now, it’s their 20th wedding anniversary in a couple of days and to celebrate they are going to Venice for a whole week! Leaving us two home alone for a whole week! I’m soooooooo happy right now. Meg and I know exactly what we are going to do when they’re away. PARTY! (But please don’t tell mum).

I really love the voice here. Your writing also flows quite naturally, and you vary your sentences well-- some of them are short and some of them are long.

Some questions I'm left with:
What exactly does Alex mean by 'party'? Is that a full-blown house party with drinking and all that? What kind of party is she picturing? I can tell you're not in America-- GCSEs aren't a thing here, but I'm American and I'm not entirely sure how old these guys are.

Does the mom know, or at least suspect, what Megan and Alex will get up to while she's away? Surely the dad knows, if he's encouraging them to relax and take a break.

The last comment I have-- you say 'picture the scene' but there's actually no imagery in the paragraph. What does Alex look like? What does her mom sound like when she's being bossy? Can we have some examples of Alex and Megan arguing?

Overall, nice start!

Also also-- a note on getting people to do artwork for you. That's called commissioning, and custom artwork of characters can actually be really valuable and expensive. I have some friends who charge $20 or more for a custom headshot. Of course, it doesn't always cost that much, especially if you want just a quick sketch by anybody who's able. Since YWO's focus is on writing, I don't know what kind of luck you'll get here, but you should totally do some google searches and see what you can find. I know deviantart has a lot of people who do commissions, and there are a lot of general forums (like here) that you might also be able to get people to do art for you. Keep researching!
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Definitely let me know if you'd like a critique--- I'd love to.
  
						Last edited by Keladry; 12-31-2017 at 06:51 PM.
					
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