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Old 12-27-2017, 08:48 AM View Post #2 (Link) My Critique
Rebekah (Offline)
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: UK
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Hi Georgy, I got you message and have now I have read through the story, this is my critique.

I really enjoyed reading your story, I thought it was interesting to read; was well thought out; had good characters and a great storyline (for most of it), however I do have some improvements.

First of all, paragraphs. When there is a new time or place remember to start a new paragraph and make it clear that you have. There were a couple of times when during the story you just started a on new line rather than leaving a gap. For example, the sentence starting I woke up in a hospital ward should really be on a new paragraph as it is a new place.

Secondly, Sunday. Days of the week are proper nouns (well at least in the UK) so they need a capital letter. Wherever Sunday is written in your story it needs a capital rather than a lower case starting letter.

Just a small point, but when you have put more fast(er). I personally think that you could take out the more and have faster on it's own.

Finally, the end twist. I like the idea of twist at the end, however it comes really quickly. The only bit of evidence in the story that shows it is true is cold damp packets. Just adding a little more detail especially when he is in the hole, would help, but try and still leave it mysterious. Also, this is in the realistic section of short stories and that (to me) doesn't seem realistic. Although, I would like that to stay, if you could just find a way to surreptitiously add parts in that might allow it blend into the story a bit more, that would improve it.

But overall, I think your story was a good read and I can't wait to read more of your writing. Also, I hope that you found this critique useful. If some parts do puzzle you, just contact me and I'll try my best to explain what they mean!
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Rebekah

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