Thread: Guilt
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Old 11-23-2017, 04:47 AM View Post #4 (Link) Critique!
SoulSurf13 (Offline)
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[QUOTE=Miss.Tea;202036]This is my very first writing
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Hey there! I'm Beccah and I'm here today to critique you! This is a great start. I'm gonna do an in-depth critique for you!
Grammatical errors will be in red!
Advice/Suggestions will be in purple!
Things I like will be in blue!

Guilt. My lover's screams. It (Since you used the plural form of scream "screams", you're going to want to be consistent, so instead of saying "it rings in my head", you should probably say something like "they ring in my head". OR you can turn "screams" to "scream", and keep this portion the way that it is currently) rings in my head. Those bloody screams haunt me. I remember the blood (In the last sentence, you used the word "bloody" to describe the screams, and now you're using "blood" here again. It's a small bit of repetition that could be fixed if you used another word to describe the screams, like "haunting".)being spilled and the look on his face. Him. He saw it. He saw what i'd become. Jealousy. I couldn't bare to see him with any other girl. My father, the king, didn't want me to see him anymore. (Have you ever heard the saying "show, don't tell?" This is obviously integral information to the plot of this story, so it must be said, but are there better, less direct ways that you could inform the reader of this? As a reader, I'd rather have my expose and background coming from action or a more indirect method. Maybe that's just my preference!) Another girl or the beast, were my choices(This sentence is a bit clunky. I see the purpose it serves, it further shows the main character's "flaw", but I think you should find a way to reword this to relay the same message and be just as dramatic, but more pleasing to read.). The blood was a red thick stream on the wall where the restless beast brutally hurled him. The pure agony of it all consumed me. Him. The look he gave me before it struck him with hungry eyes. The beast, it showed no mercy to him(In the previous sentences, you've established that the lover was the target of the beast's rage, so you don't need to reinstate that it was the lover being shown no mercy. It's a bit redundant.). I remember running down the dirt road back to the castle, crying,. I missed him. I could hear the screams on that road. I can hear them now haunting my soul. (This is a solid line!)

Now i am older and the screams still haunt me. I am the Queen now and i have no one to rule with. My lover is gone. I will be, too. I picked up a shard of glass, from my broken mirror. I looked at myself, thought, I did this to myself now hes gone. With one trust of a hand motion (I've never heard this phrase before, "one trust of a hand motion". I think it's vague and not in a mysterious way, more in a way that makes you say "huh?". I would consider revisiting this and writing something more clear, and final. Perhaps something like "with one sleight of hand" or something that makes it more concise.) the glass pierced my heart and it was a good sensation (I'm gonna revisit with the "show, not tell" mantra I live and write by. Instead of telling us readers it was a good sensation, show that your character was not phased by pain, and instead was intoxicated with the act. "the glass pierced my heart and a moan escapes my lips--though, not out of agony as much as an animalistic pleasure." though that has more of a sexual connotation, you want to show the reader that this is what this character has longed for after the unfair death of her lover.). All i remember, is the black flowing stream of sheer blood pouring from my chest. I knew i would see him soon.

Gone.

Gone she lay. (Here at the end, I think it would be better to separate these last two lines from the others. There was a complete shift in the perspective of the story--it went from 1st to 3rd. I really like that the active 1st person POV was taken away when the main character takes her own life, but when the new POV takes over it's a little jarring for the reader to have it all shoved in one paragraph. Just a thought!)

Okay! So there we have it. Another thing I want to address, however. You may notice that I've omitted some of the adjectives in your sentences. I used to be really bad about heavy-handedly using adjectives. While writing can certainly be languid and circumlocutory and still be good, it's best to always say what you can in the least amount of words possible. And if you reread the sentences with these adjectives omitted, you'll find that the original meaning is still conveyed, in less words. In other words, adjectives are like seasoning for a good steak. The meat, the steak is the best part of the meal--it's your actual story, and the salt/pepper/steak seasoning you use are literary devices that're used to properly season and improve your steak's flavor, but if you use too much pepper on a steak, you're gonna take away from the steak. I'm actually terrible with comparisons, but hope this is clear!

Overall, this is a pretty strong start. I definitely think you should slow the scene down, do more showing instead of telling, and always remember to not overly season your steak! Good job, can't wait to see more in the future!
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