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Old 11-04-2017, 07:16 PM View Post #6 (Link)
mell (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 9
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An interesting beginning filled with tension that makes me want to read more. You have a few lines of description in there too that manage to concisely describe what you're saying – "his collar turned up high against the non-existent gusts of Starbucks", for example. The writing is clear but not overly descriptive, and the fear of the character is well presented.

However, I can't help but feel that the pacing is off by a lot. We begin with a guy wearing a too-large coat. I'm intrigued. But then all of a sudden, the characters are calling the police. And then, it turns out she knows the guy? While the content you have in the story is good - I forgot to mention how well the dialogue is handled - it's lacking some important transition and build up to make the actual content shine. Your reader is left confused.

I have a few suggestions for improving the pacing. You can not make the characters call the police at all and just have the protagonist uneasy. You can have the characters worry, but not call the police. You can add in more clues that lead up to the guy feeling off. You can write in the paranoia and the recognition ("he felt kind of familiar" for example) the character feels before she actually talks to the guy. You can insert some background info about the relationship between the man and the protagonist. There's a lot you can do here, you just have to think of the one that most closely matches the tone you're going for while still making sense.

Overall, this feels like a rough draft. I would add in more information and more build up, less sudden paranoia and less drama, and not assume the reader understands the character's fear. This has potential but must be revised.
  
						Last edited by mell; 11-04-2017 at 07:18 PM.
					
					 Reason: Mistakes
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