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Old 08-25-2017, 02:32 PM View Post #3 (Link)
SKritorre (Offline)
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I agree mostly with SerialLove
Personally I would prefer a little foreshadowing for the ending. I appreciate the ambiguity heightens the tension at the end but perhaps a reference to the protagonists' height or something like that near the beginning might make it a little less 'out of the blue' at the end.
How scared are the characters? If you were in that situation how much would you swear? I'd say the S**t is fine, personally. For me this one swear word helps communicate how scared the character is. If you had them swearing every sentence it wouldn't work.
You say twice that the hunter is noticed at 2...what time is it now? Maybe the second time around you say 2, change it for 'half an hour ago' or whatever time you want. Or perhaps mention a loudly ticking clock that slowly tolls three like a death bell.
I like how the story builds, it slowly pulls the reader in and that's really fun to read.
I knew it was in a coffee shop, but was it busy? Eerily quiet? How about the weather? Hot and sticky or cold and depressingly rainy? Again this is my personal preference but in a thriller style story like this one it helps me to get really into the story.
Like SerialLove I got confused with the phone call, it did sound like the number had been deleted. And I thought the number ready to dial was for the police not Sal?
If you wanted to expand the story more perhaps explore the relationship between the protagonist and Sal...but then again you don't necessarily need it if you want to keep the story short.
The small cast of characters was very easy to keep track of, I liked that. Again, if you're looking to expand maybe mention some of the other customers (if there are any) and their reaction to the strange coat.
With the dialogue you make a few references to what the characters are doing, how about how they're speaking? Are they whispering furtively? Hissing worriedly at each other?

Hope this helps. I really really loved the tension in this.
Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits --A.A.Milne
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