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Old 08-03-2017, 06:43 PM View Post #5 (Link)
Joie (Offline)
Literary Newbie
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: Kenya
Posts: 2
Points: 22.96
Times Thanked: 1
This story is heartbreakingly beautiful.The picture is very vividly painted and I love how your use of imagery, specifically this line,"He felt at ease as he saw the absence of the large celestial body that encompassed the trait he so very much adored in the girl he was waiting to see once more-the pale moonlight of the night was gone and he recognized with greater enpasis the beauty of the stars "Absolutely beautiful,and I feel that it aludes to so much more.I'd like to suggest making the wording a bit simpler and palatable.The characters would still be as deep and complex as you imagine if you said,maybe,"But it's only when I look down at the heartbreakingly beautiful divinity of this perfect world that I feel true sadness."(That was what I understood from the original sentence.)Instead of intriguing the reader,the use of such complex words and imagery might turn people away from this incredibly promising story.
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