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Old 05-14-2017, 01:44 PM View Post #3 (Link) My Critique
Rebekah (Offline)
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: UK
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Hi adamleon97

I loved reading your story a twilight to midnight. The vocabulary and phrases that you use were magical. I especially liked how you set the scene and described the characters vaguely. This meant that there was a lot of freedom for the reader to imagine what was happening.

However, I have two improvements for you:

1. Speech. On a grammar side, not all of the speech you used was correct. For example: "Another restless night." He whispered. Should be, "Another restless night," he whispered. Just before the closing speech marks, if you are going to say s/he said/whispered/shouted, there shouldn't be a full stop. Also, your subject (he, she, I, Molly, John, etc.) don't need capitals, unless they are names.

2. Sentence openers. When I was reading through your piece, I noticed a lot of your sentences started with he, she or the. Some suggestions would be: after, before, under, whilst, watching, running, slowly.

Have A Great Day!
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