Opening Sentences!

[Iridescence]

Not sure this is the right place for this, so mods can move it as they wish. :P

Righto. I notice a lot on this site that when I'm critiquing something, if the opening sentence doesn't catch my attention, I'll critique the piece sort of half-heartedly. Lots of stories on this site begin with bland descriptions of the scenery or characters, dialogue, one-worders, and other cliche devices that set the tone for an "okay" story. And, as we all know, the opening sentence of a book determines whether we'll keep reading or chuck the book aside, so this is a marketing thing, as well. Let's face it -- tons of people (especially moi) have trouble with opening sentences.

So, for practice, let's have everyone construct "prototype" opening sentences. Then, others can say how they feel about the sentence, what attracts them and what doesn't, how to make the sentence more unique, how to get the "Wait, what?" response, and whether or not they would read a book beginning with that sentence. Post multiple times, if you really want to develop.

Also, post your concerns here. What makes it so hard to construct an opening sentence? Do you come up with the opening before the rest of the story, or vice versa? Is it best to start with action, an observation, or a description, and when do these things delve into the trite and cliche? If you can, find opening sentences that you've read by authors that you think are particularly good, or particularly bad. Discuss!

To get the ball rolling, I'll start. Critique these as if it were a post in the Writing Forum, but focus less on the technical parts of them and more on the level of your interest. Perhaps by doing so, you will gain your own understanding on how to construct opening sentences -- be they openers for novels, chapters, short stories, etc.

"I s'pose the trouble all started when a giant raven swooped out of the sky and took my Pap away."

What is cliche about this sentence? Does it interest you or put you off, and why? Post your own sentence next!

[peepingthesmurf]

"I s'pose the trouble all started when a giant raven swooped out of the sky and took my Pap away."

What is cliche about this sentence? Does it interest you or put you off, and why? Post your own sentence next!

I like this idea--I always have trouble writing a good hook.

As for your sentence, there's not much that's really cliche about it other than the fact that the protagonist loses his/her (it seems like a her) parents. And I expect the story to be about her trying to retrieve a hostage (in this case her Pap), which is slightly cliche.

The sentence would definitely make me want to read the rest--except, there's one thing that's off-putting. It's good that you give the reader an automatic idea that the character is, like, a hillbilly; I'd expect him/her to live on a farm or something like that. But, when there are characters with heavy accents in a book--and the author constantly alters their words to suit the accent--it gets a little annoying to read. For example, a character that would speak like "Gee Davey, mah car seems t'have broken down in tha middle o' tha street! Could ya come on over and lend good ol' me a helpin' hand?" every time they have dialogue, I wouldn't want to continue because I think it would be tiresome to read. Your opening sentence gives me the idea that your character will be like what I just described, so I think you could change "s'pose" to "suppose", and "Pap" will still let me know about her rurality. This way, you don't have to alter the spelling of any words or make any contractions and make it seem like it'll be annoying to read, but you still get the message across with what she calls her father. But, that's a minor thing, really. It was a good opening.

Here's mine: "I opened the door, and immediately knew I shouldn't have."

[Alice Glitterhorn]

Here's mine: "I opened the door, and immediately knew I shouldn't have."

There's really nothing much here. It gives us barely any information, other than some shit is about to go down (:P). And really, that's not so bad, except that it's not much of a hook. I don't feel like I really want to read this story. It hasn't grabbed my attention.

Also, it's a little cliche, the idea of finding something horrible behind a door. You don't want your story to open up with a cliche, or it turns the reader off. It just sounds like "one of those stories". Now, if you told us right in the first sentence what exactly you found behind the door, that would be both a hook and (hopefully) not cliche at all.

And here ye scurvy lads go: "The sense of peace that had fallen over the Northclyffe estate was broken with the ringing clang of metal."

[Spacepirate]

The sense of peace that had fallen over the Northclyffe estate was broken with the ringing clang of metal.

I actually like this due to its simplicity. You set a scene well, and it's interesting. And yeah, I would read on purely because I want to find out what happens next.

What I might suggest is tweak "sense of peace", because "sense of" seems a bit redundant if you don't expand the "sense" as it were. You might further on, but it just doesn't seem needed now.

"Broken" is just becoming cliche... but don't change it to "shatter". Try to fit the verb with whatever you described the peace as. So link try to link each action/reaction together.

Otherwise, I quite like the inversion you got going on here and it reads well. Good job.

---

I agree with Iri, first lines are tremendously important. For me, a good/bad (cliched) first line can make or break it. If it's really bad, I just won't read on. Because after reading the first line you already have thoughts, sub-conscious, going on inside your head and that will determine how well you enjoy, or how well you'll think the story.

They're equally hard to write. Perhaps because you need a perfect sort of blend of mystery, information and style in equal measure (amongst other things). Too much of any and it tips off the foundation for the rest of the story.

I can't really get into my story unless I have a first sentence that I'm happy with. So I change that quite a lot of times for each story until it's just right, IMO. Readers may differ. What's weird is that I really like dialogue for the start of my stories. Yes, you may not know what's going on, or who's saying it but the vagueness is somewhat luring for me. I really dislike one word starts, or onomatopoeic things. It just seems a bit lacklustre as if the person is not trying.

Interest is key. Whether it's description, observation or action. If it's interesting enough, and written well enough then any of these things can just stand out.

---

Here's mine.


He could not remember the moment of tomorrow morning.

[Zombified]

Perhaps I should hold an opening sentence contest like the one I was in?

[Simmi]

He could not remember the moment of tomorrow morning.


I actually really like this, because it confuses me, doesn't make any sense, and makes me want to find out how it makes sense. If that makes any sense at all.
The only cliche thing I can really think of is the "not being able to remember so let's take an epic long journey", then again I could be way off, because knowing you it's something completely different.

Here be mine:

I can't believe... I fell in love with a saggy vampire.

...

Kidding.

Usually, one expects to find pipes below their kitchen sink, not a body.

[peepingthesmurf]

Usually, one expects to find pipes below their kitchen sink, not a body.

I like this because it's sarcastic, and humor is good. I don't like it, though, because it's slightly cliche. Finding a body stuffed in cupboard feels like something I've seen before. Other than that, it doesn't have much to offer. The only reason I would read on would be because I enjoy sarcastic narration.

Here's mine:
"It had been the third time I'd died this week--I was starting to suspect that something was wrong."

[Iridescence]

Here's mine:
"It had been the third time I'd died this week--I was starting to suspect that something was wrong."

I like this because you can tell or assume several things from just this one sentence:

a) The narrator has a wry sense of humor (I should think something is wrong if you die once). Hooks that show a glimmer of the narrator's voice/personality are good (particularly if the story is written in first person. In a first person novel, if the narrator sucks, your whole story pretty much sucks. I don't need to give the prime example. :P)

b) The narrator has "died" before -- just not in such quick succession -- so there is something that makes him/her more than human in some way (unless of course he/she is talking about a video game, in which case I would be severely disappointed :P ). It's good to put a tiny bit of the story's elements into a hook; the trick is putting the vaguest, briefest bit of it possible.

c) There is a conflict (lots of stories start out with a hook that does not allude to any sort of conflict, which turns off many readers -- humans have a natural--if morbid--tendency to be attracted to bad news right off the bat. A tip: take a hint from newspaper headings and news story titles on television. They are brief and always contain the conflict of the event to draw readers and watchers, even from a distance. A hook is meant to say this: "Extra, extra, read all about it!").

Another good thing about this sentence is that you can follow up this sort of hook with almost anything: action, dialogue, a flashback, even description (to show the reader the situation the narrator is currently in). Also, it brings up questions, such as: how is this MC dying? Is he/she being killed, and if so, by what/whom? Why three times in one week? How can someone die more than once? And so on. Lots of hooks I've read don't give the reader a sense of curiosity, so good job on this. Finally, it's just plain weird. :) I would most definitely read this story.

What I don't like about this sentence: inevitably, it has that cliche element. Lots of heroes and heroines in novels are notoriously slow on the uptake,which is the author's attempt to increase suspense by keeping their MCs stupidly in the dark. "This is the evil wizard's lair? I had no clue, despite the hints strewn all along my journey, which I blatantly ignored up til now!" <-- You want to avoid those kinds of things. If your character has died three times in one week, and is only beginning to suspect something is wrong (however sarcastic he or she is), the reader might automatically assume the main character is one of THOSE that is frustratingly slow on the uptake.

Just goes to show how hard it is to write these things. Like Space said in his post, you have to be able to balance many elements in equal measure. You've got your mystery, you provide a tidbit of information (this character can ressurrect him/herself somehow), and the style of writing and voice is evident, however the reader interprets it.

Here's an example from the novel I am writing.

"I strode out of the shop, deliberately avoiding the sardonic gaze of my Other, who easily kept pace beside me."

[peepingthesmurf]

"I strode out of the shop, deliberately avoiding the sardonic gaze of my Other, who easily kept pace beside me."

Initially, I am intrigued by this sentence. It makes me wonder, of course, what an Other is (it must be something special, of course, otherwise it wouldn't be capitalized). It also seems like the narrator
is embarrassed by their Other; I'm interested to find out what the Other did to make the MC avoid their gaze.

When I see the word "shop", I imagine the narrator and his/her/its Other in a not-very-modern setting, maybe a small town or some kind of suburb. I'm not sure if that's what was intended, but it's what I think of at first.

The only thing that's cliche about this would be that "Other" seems like some sort of evil twin, or other half, or something. And that's been done before.

I'd read on, though, because it seems like an interesting concept.

Here's another one:

I think the judges unfairly let Stanley win--they should have deducted points when he accidentally dropped his head.

[jdsncb23]

okay, I know it is terrible, but here is my sentence:

" Jeremy raced downstairs, feeling that the new house wouldn’t be all that bad"

Please please crit this. I wrote it a while back and I am still having trouble, so yeah.

[peepingthesmurf]

okay, I know it is terrible, but here is my sentence:

" Jeremy raced downstairs, feeling that the new house wouldn’t be all that bad"

Please please crit this. I wrote it a while back and I am still having trouble, so yeah.


I wouldn't read on. This just doesn't seem interesting at all. There's nothing odd, or strange, or eventful about it. You should add something that makes it a little bit strange, or odd.

Anyway, here's the opening sentence to my book. Would you read on? What would you expect the scene to be?

"Nicholas’s blade felt leaden in his hands after hours of fierce slashing."

[Bowie20049]

The sentence obviously says that the main character is fighting someone(thing), but it feels more of a sentence that would be pasted in the middle of a paragraph rather than in the beginning of a book. Also, I thought you don't need an s after the apostrophe if the name ends in an s.

My opening sentence: "I watched the ice crush my father; the blood clouded within the transparent prison."

[Iridescence]

"I watched the ice crush my father; the blood clouded within the transparent prison."

As far as interest goes, I would definitely keep reading, if only to find out exactly what's going on, and in what way this man is being crushed by ice. You've pretty much snagged a reader here. As far as the mechanics of the sentence go, I feel this hook would be better off as two sentences rather than one. This is the type of hook that delivers a punch to the reader -- as such, it should be short and blunt, not connected to another sentence by a semi-colon. The imagery should be crisp, and so should the sentences, so separate them for greater impact.
You might like the "blood clouded" part and want it to be included in the hook, simply because 1) it sounds cool and 2) it's great imagery, but "I watched the ice crush my father" is just as good on its own. Just replace "I watched" with a more exciting action that is unique to this character. (It's Snow, isn't it? :P )

"There is a place on the outskirts of my town where all the seasons collide." <-- The first sentence for one of my Pentathlon submissions.

[Little Demon]

I would keep reading, if only to find out how seasons collide. Its a really open opening and leaves a whole lot of questions. I find that using seasons though can get a bit cliche cause people love to use seasons.

This is the opening sentience to a novel I'm trying to write. Maybe it will get somewhere... :glare:

Its not human, I always have to keep reminding myself, as I placed my cross hairs on the man walking down the street.

[lostbookworm]

Its not human, I always have to keep reminding myself, as I placed my cross hairs on the man walking down the street.
I want to keep reading this. It gives the sense he could actually be a monster and not human, or he's completely destroyed his human side. I want to read on either way, it captures my attention easily, but the prospect of Death always does.

I mean, here's mine to a short story I'm writing: Death waited in the hallway, lounging in an ancient chair, scythe in one hand, the other laying on the chair arm.

[Notte]

I mean, here's mine to a short story I'm writing: Death waited in the hallway, lounging in an ancient chair, scythe in one hand, the other laying on the chair arm.

It intrigues me as you don't expect death to be lounging in a chair as if death doesn't have a care in the world. I like it

Here's mine:

A lot can happen in 60 seconds or even 1 minute if you want to be precise. You can get hurt, you can die or if you're really clever you can stealthily kill your target. My name is Daelyn Arggoriti and I am an assassin.

[peepingthesmurf]

A lot can happen in 60 seconds or even 1 minute if you want to be precise.
Um, okay. The first part, about the lot that can happen, is intriguing. Not super amazing, but it makes me wonder what exactly is happening in the 60 seconds.

The other bit is unnecessary. Because, first of all, everyone knows that 60 seconds is a minute. And, second of all, 60 seconds is more precise than 1 minute. o.O

You can get hurt, you can die or if you're really clever you can stealthily kill your target. My name is Daelyn Arggoriti and I am an assassin.

Ah, here we go. I get it. So he's doing one of the three things? Or maybe he's doing the killing part and his target is doing the dying part and someone else is getting hurt. I dunno. This is a little confusing. Which is good. I would probably read on, just to find out what the heck is going on. xD

Here's mine: The boy lay flat on his stomach. Something flat and cold was pressed up against his face, numbing his nose.

[the_knockon_effect]

Well here's the opening to a short story I did:

One man dead, dozens wounded and more than two thousand angry rioters roaming the city streets. So much for plan A.

[ManyIdeas]

One man dead, dozens wounded and more than two thousand angry rioters roaming the city streets. So much for plan A.
I do like this one, I think its intresting and makes the reader ask questions. Thats what a first line is supposed to do.
For some reason it makes me think of an Industrial Revolution, with huge factories. If not, then Russia some time ago XD
I did love the 'so much for plan A' at the end. If I were to add something, or take it away, it would the second sentance in a one sentance opening :D
If its a 1st person, I can see that character wearing a Burberry type hat with a really weird side kick XD

Heres mine for a novel I'm working on: An angered cry shook her body, as she raised a rock above her head, ready to smash the child into pieces.

[Bowie20049]

There is one more comma than needed and it sounds like something taken from the middle of a paragraph rather than a beginning. Strangely, I didn't feel any interest to go on, but that may be because it's late.

This is for something I'm starting, I'm hoping I got the beginning sentence right this time.

Looking back, I wondered where this all started and why I had to go through what I had to go through.

[ManyIdeas]

(everyone seems to be fine with 1st persons XD 3rd persons always seem to come from a middle of a paragraph, not matter where I look :D)

Its interesting, for sure, but perhaps it does whats been done before, but in a different context. A more grabing context. It sounded a little off, but it was good, I would have thought it would have come after a first line, but it does a good job as a first line as well :D Its not one of those really grabbing ones for me, but would encourage me to read more. 1st person first lines are really easy to write, no matter what it says it could make a first line XD (Although some do better that other)
Since I've just come up with a new idea, I decided to write a first line :D
Like I said before, 3rd person first liners can be harder to write than a 1st person, as they all seem to come from, well, anywhere other than a first line haha!
Planning to call it Howell's Reign
War is coming; everyone could feel it.

[Schooner]

Okay...well, "war" didn't particularly get me to want to read more. I had to stop and pause to think about where the story might be headed and if that would interest me. Wars are a really frequent thing in novels and it just doesn't feel fresh anymore. But I did want to know who "everyone" was and my mind immediately went to rebels and because rebels interest me, I would've read ahead.

Here's mine.

There were two rules for when I cleaned at Mrs. Tyler's house. One, don't suck the Terro up with the vaccuum. And two, don't ever enter her late husband's room.

[ScottyMcGee]

There were two rules for when I cleaned at Mrs. Tyler's house. One, don't suck the Terro up with the vaccuum. And two, don't ever enter her late husband's room.


Good enough for me. I don't even know what the hell Terro is. And I think we all want to know why the main character can't go into her late husband's room. It's good to start with something like that.

I think mine's horrible, so that's why I'm posting it here. This is a great idea.


The breeze blew in such a way that it must have brought peace to anyone else who had the window open, and it reminded me of the time I almost succeeded in crossing swords with Ballard Temp.

[luckyladybug]

The breeze blew in such a way that it must have brought peace to anyone else who had the window open, and it reminded me of the time I almost succeeded in crossing swords with Ballard Temp.



Hi, I haven't posted much on this site, but I decided to give it a try. This topic is great!

ScottyMcGee:

An opening sentence should focus on one thing. Instead of telling us why the breeze doesn't bring peace to your character right away, get us wondering. Make us want to read on to find out why and how it reminds them of almost succeeding in crossing swords with Ballard Temp. Wait a couple paragraphs in to bring in that fact. Maybe focus more on the way the breeze makes them feel...because we know what it doesn't make them feel. Make the reader wonder why. Your one sentence could be turned into a whole page. I hope this wasn't too confusing for you.


Here's my sentence. It's the first sentence of the first book in my series: Antonio and Samuel DeLucca decided it would be cute to chase me from our school, Jerry Hannigan High, down Fifth Street.

[ManyIdeas]

Antonio and Samuel DeLucca decided it would be cute to chase me from our school, Jerry Hannigan High, down Fifth Street.

Hmmm, I don't feel much from this to be frank. Its seems a little flat, but in all honesty it does make you ask; Why? Is it a bad idea to chase a girl down a road?
It inpsires me to read a few more lines to understands what happens, but it isn't something I'd be intrested in.

Just a first liner from a little pass timer, so its nothing much; The photo-hungry paparazzi flooded onto the Imperial Black’s platform.

[Rage]

Start it off with a, "Mother fucker?!?". Short and sweet no? :sarcasm:

I always seem to start stories with describing waking up, as it's everything everybody has to do before begining the day. Unless they don't sleep, which is stupid. :sarcasm: Also depends how specific the storyline is, I usually have rather closely linked to real life themes. So it works for me.

[Valencian]

Hmmm, I don't feel much from this to be frank. Its seems a little flat, but in all honesty it does make you ask; Why? Is it a bad idea to chase a girl down a road?
It inpsires me to read a few more lines to understands what happens, but it isn't something I'd be intrested in.

Just a first liner from a little pass timer, so its nothing much; The photo-hungry paparazzi flooded onto the Imperial Black’s platform.

Imperial Black's could send the readers into a spiralling tornado of curiosity. On the other hand, the rest of it is a bit bland and you can't really tell much from it.

This is going to be bad I know but oh well, here it is:
I watched over the city like a hawk, trying to pick out my prey. Blood flooded down from my brow in rivulets, a bright ruby red against my pallid skin.

[lostbookworm]

That sounds interesting, I want to read more at the mention of Prey and Blood.
It grips me, as I think that you're in trouble.

Here's mine from a, 'ahem', strange piece of work.
"Life drained from him, as ruby-red blood seeped from the blackened gunshot in his head."

[Valencian]

I'll hopefully be posting that story on the board any day now!

It grips me at the word 'Blood' but it seems a bit normal. A lot of books start with some kind of person getting shot or stabbed or whatever else. But i would read on.

Here's another of mine:
I looked down into the palm of my hand the soft skin crumpled up around a beautiful golden feather, the tips curled together. I smiled maliciously around me at the guards forming a circle around me, pointing their pikes at my heart. All of a sudden, WHAM. A cluster of glinting arrows each marked with a different feather found their way into the hearts of the guards around me.

It's a bit long

[ManyIdeas]

Here's another of mine:
I looked down into the palm of my hand the soft skin crumpled up around a beautiful golden feather, the tips curled together. I smiled maliciously around me at the guards forming a circle around me, pointing their pikes at my heart. All of a sudden, WHAM. A cluster of glinting arrows each marked with a different feather found their way into the hearts of the guards around me.

It's a bit long

Yes it is a bit long! :P More like half a paragraph. So I'll take the first sentance of it XD
I looked down into the palm of my hand the soft skin crumpled up around a beautiful golden feather, the tips curled together.

I have a feeling there should be another comma there! All in all, its not bad, but is not good either. Its kind of like purgatory XD
I am curious to know how your person got into that mess, and what a golden feather has to do with anything?

I haven't got another first line, so a small review on my last first sentance would be appreciated XD

[lostbookworm]

The photo-hungry paparazzi flooded onto the Imperial Black’s platform.


Now, this is a little bit plain. Photo-hungry isn't a phrase I'd use, just sounds a bit boring. And also, swarmed sound better than flooded. nd now I do want to know more about this Imperial Black.
:)

Here's mine, changed the first sentence to the other piece of work.
My golden tears dropped to the cold,hard steel floor, as he was dragged on stage. The drums pounded even louder as he was placed on top of the sacrificial table. Sitars twanged in the distance, and violins screeched right next too him. Then, stop. All you could hear was the drip,drop of my tears. And with that, the knife I myself had used for this very occasion, entered my now-still heart.

[luckyladybug]

Here's mine, changed the first sentence to the other piece of work.
My golden tears dropped to the cold,hard steel floor, as he was dragged on stage. The drums pounded even louder as he was placed on top of the sacrificial table. Sitars twanged in the distance, and violins screeched right next too him. Then, stop. All you could hear was the drip,drop of my tears. And with that, the knife I myself had used for this very occasion, entered my now-still heart.

I love love the descriptions here. And yes I meant to say love twice. It pulls me in...but I'm not sure that "my golden tears...etc" is the best line to open with. "And with that, the knife I myself had used for this very occasion, entered my now-still heart." is a much more exciting sentence to open with...and then you can backtrack and tell how the person got there.

Here's a new opening line for my novel:
Running away from two incredibly immature boys always seemed to be a rather unconventional way of changing a person’s life.

[Jack]

Running away from two incredibly immature boys always seemed to be a rather unconventional way of changing a person’s life.

Personally, I think your previous post was better than this. This is somewhat bland and conventional. The mention of life changing is way to common in opening lines and it's therefore become a cliche. Your last post was better than this, was was thought provoking at least.

Mine:

"There's a man in tights outside, says he wants to see you."

[luckyladybug]

Mine:

"There's a man in tights outside, says he wants to see you."


Haha this one just made me lol. I am definitely intrigued as to why a) a man is wearing tights and b) why he wants to see me. Actually, I'm a bit afraid at this point for the person who has to face this man in tights, because I'm guessing he looks a bit like Robin Hood...no? Well...just my imagination again.

How bout this one:

Had I known when we met that I would be the reason it all happened to him, I know for a fact that I still would’ve selfishly introduced myself regardless of what his future had in store.

[Weirdside]

Had I known when we met that I would be the reason it all happened to him, I know for a fact that I still would’ve selfishly introduced myself regardless of what his future had in store.

This one seems like it's trying too hard to be intriguing. It's overly vague. I like that the main character is selfish and knows it, however, as that is something not seen often enough in lit. Too wordy too.

Mine-o:

“Do the screams bother you?” was the most common question I got.

[Syn]

okay, this seems fun! I'd like to join!

“Do the screams bother you?” was the most common question I got.

I suppose it would depend on what kind of story I would expect. usually when I go to read something, I know at least a little bit about the general story and its idea, so I guess that I would have different feelings for different expectations. I'm not sure how much would they differ, but I think it's worth mentioning.

if I knew nothing about it, however, I suppose I would keep reading. the sentence is short and it gives away very little, so I'd read more if only to find out what it's all about. I feel quite intrigued (even now) about those screams: who's are they? why do they even happen? etc.
it's not really the beginning I would choose and prefer, but I would continue reading.

this is one of mine, though I'm not really sure if it would be the very beginning of the whole story or just the first chapter. I've written waaaay too little to know.

"The sun shone brightly through the window, shedding its warm rays gently across the room and onto Lyus' head that was hanging loosely by the side of the bed."

[Iridescence]

"The sun shone brightly through the window, shedding its warm rays gently across the room and onto Lyus' head that was hanging loosely by the side of the bed."

Okay. A few things about this.

PROS:

1) I like the name Lyus. :P
2) The way the sentence is worded, it sounds like Lyus' head is not attached to his neck, but rather hanging off (think Nearly-Headless Nick) or completely severed, and perhaps hanging by bits of sinew. In this case, the contrast of the gently shining sun and the gruesome sight near the bed would make a fascinating open sentence. I would keep reading, if only to find out who killed him (if he is, indeed, dead). Props to you for keeping it subtle. On the other hand...

CONS:

1) ...the way this sentence is worded, it could be interpreted to mean Lyus is simply lying on the bed, sleeping, and the angle of his body is making it so that is head is dangling awkwardly off his pillow or something. In this case, you're basically beginning your story with a character waking up. This takes your first impression and kicks it in the balls. For one thing, a character waking up to bright, gentle sunlight is eye-wateringly boring; for another, it's cliche.

If this is what you meant, and the statement I wrote above is uber-wrong, then I honestly prefer the mistake. If you did mean that his head is severed from his neck somehow, then re-write it so that it's subtle, but there is no doubt in the reader's mind that he is at least partially decapitated. This sets up the basic questions a reader would ask the moment they processed that sentence: Who killed him, and why? Is he even dead? What does his body look like? How was he killed (are there knife wounds, a bloody gash across his throat, etc.)?

2) The description of the sunlight is very cliche. Brightness, gentleness, warmth...it's all been heard before. If that is how you want to describe the sunlight, fine; but do it in a way that is unique, refreshing to the mind's eye.

Hope this helps. Tell me which is right: is he dead, and his head's just decapitated? Or is he sleeping at an awkward angle, and he's about to wake up?

Here's mine. I'm somewhat ashamed of it: "I shot the bird in the wing."

Rip it to shreds.

[Syn]

Hope this helps. Tell me which is right: is he dead, and his head's just decapitated? Or is he sleeping at an awkward angle, and he's about to wake up?

Wow, I didn't really expect to see this kind of response :D
I'm impressed by your effort and willingness to comment!

In order not to explain myself too much, I'll just give you the next two from the paragraph. That'll explain it. (btw, the entire first chapter attempt is in writing section if you're at all interested)
"The sun shone brightly through the window, shedding its warm rays gently across the room and onto Lyus' head that was hanging loosely by the side of the bed. He was a restless sleeper and he would often wake up with his head where his feet should be. This night, though, he only made it half way."

Now the thing is, I don't mind a few cliché's and starting the book with the morning. I mean each day and each adventure start with waking up so I don't see why it would be so terrible to start with it. I understand that it's been seen before, but then again, almost everything is.
But I also do understand that *it* still is a cliché and I'm not perfectly happy about that fact.
But oh well, the way my mind is going at the moment, I don't think it will be the beginning anyway :D


Here's mine. I'm somewhat ashamed of it: "I shot the bird in the wing."
Rip it to shreds.

It's straight to the point. No bull, just straight action. That's good. But for the record, since I generally dislike hunting very much, I am very sceptical about the possible progress and the character that maybe did so. But then again, that's another thing entirely.

[Faust]

So it is ment to catch their attention, eh? Here's one:

How would you react to the message if you have just picked up the phone, "you've been murdered and your lying dead on the floor infront of me"

[SapphireSeaBird]

How would you react to the message if you have just picked up the phone, "you've been murdered and your lying dead on the floor infront of me"

Well... if this was written using proper grammar and tenses, it might be interesting. But as it is, it's just overly weird and doesn't make sense. Sorry if that sounded mean, but I'm just sayin'. Take more time with it and make sure it makes sense to people that are reading it - we can't see into your mind to see what you mean. But it's an intruiging idea for an opening sentence - for a whole story, even. Just make it more believable.

Hmm... I'm not good with these...

The sky let out a roar of thunder and an unsettled wind caused autumn leaves to swirl about on the ground, their low rustle announcing Robyn's arrival at long last.

I know, it's a feeble attempt, so tear it apart people :)

[Lauren23]

The sky let out a roar of thunder and an unsettled wind caused autumn leaves to swirl about on the ground, their low rustle announcing Robyn's arrival at long last.


It's good description, which I like about it. What I think is a little awkward is the and between thunder & an. It seems like it shouldn't be there. Almost like you jammed too much into one sentence.

Now about the intrigue.... I think I might read on, just because I'd want to know who Robyn is. Was she late? Who was waiting for her? <- stuff like that would cross my mind. Although, personally, in a novel-type setting, I decide if I want to read the book from the first page. If it's good, then I'll read it. :) But back to the sentence: For me, it would really depend what you put after that sentence that would make me want to read on. Did Robyn say something? Did something make her late? Is it a medieval type story or modern?

So, not too bad.

Here's mine:

The blaring of my alarm clock sends my heart racing as I jump out of bed to silence it.

^That's how I feel most mornings.

[SapphireSeaBird]

The blaring of my alarm clock sends my heart racing as I jump out of bed to silence it.

^That's how I feel most mornings.

Okay, well I like the way this is straight to the point and into the action, and I can definitely relate to it! However, the word "blaring" just doesn't fit right for me... I can't pick out what about it exactly, it's just kind of awkward or something.

Here's one I plan on actually using for a story:

"We have tracked them all down, my Lord. Your chosen twelve will be arriving before sunset," the servant announced humbly.

I know it's technically two sentences, but whatever xD

[ScottyMcGee]

"We have tracked them all down, my Lord. Your chosen twelve will be arriving before sunset," the servant announced humbly.


I dunno about this. To be honest it sounds corny. But the thing that makes it corny is the "servant announced humbly" part. At first I imagined some dark, buff dude but then that image was thrown off with the humbly part. But it certainly adds mystery to the chosen twelve and all that. Though I think he should say a bit more to grab you in.

Here's mine:

From the shores, the ocean could be seen lit with the fires of battle, hidden deep within the fog and mist of a passing rainstorm.

[crayons932]

"The photo-hungry paparazzi flooded onto the Imperial Black’s platform."

I think it sets a mood very quickly, without really describing anything other than this Imperial Black is popular and/or newsworthy. Also, by saying 'the,' you imply that Imperial Black is a title, not the name of a person, which makes it all the more interesting.

Here's mine: “This is such a stupid opening line,” remarked Brist, shoving the now closed book into the burning slide.

[ScottyMcGee]

Wait, what happened to mine? No one still said anything about it. :mellow:

[SapphireSeaBird]

From the shores, the ocean could be seen lit with the fires of battle, hidden deep within the fog and mist of a passing rainstorm.



This is interesting. I like the mention of a battle, that draws me in since I like that kind of stuff. What I don't like is that it's worded in a way that's hard to take in, and a bit self contradicting - first, whatever this is can be seen, then suddenly it's hidden in the fog. But it does grab my attention.

Mine:

"No, bad dog, get back here right now or I'll shove that slipper down your throat permanently," Carrie fumed as the new family pet dashed from her room with the stolen goods yet again.

It's crap, I know. My brain's gone to sleep.

[KythingToWrite]

Mine:

"No, bad dog, get back here right now or I'll shove that slipper down your throat permanently," Carrie fumed as the new family pet dashed from her room with the stolen goods yet again.

It's crap, I know. My brain's gone to sleep.

Looks like a good thread... I always have trouble with opening lines.

Sapphire, I think yours gives too much information. We now know that Carrie is angry at her new dog who keeps taking her stuff. There really isn't much there that makes you want to read on. Maybe if you describe the dog running through the house, taking stuff, without actually pointing out that it's a dog, the opening might go down better.

This is the starting for my novel, it's still untitled. I am awful at opening lines, so feel free to rip it to shreds:

She knew something was horribly wrong when she stepped into the building. Because in the five years she had worked here, not once had the place been completely quiet.

[Iridescence]

This is the starting for my novel, it's still untitled. I am awful at opening lines, so feel free to rip it to shreds:

She knew something was horribly wrong when she stepped into the building. Because in the five years she had worked here, not once had the place been completely quiet.

I like that the main character is unnamed. And you do a good job in setting up an early sense of suspense and intrigue. I find it interesting that there always seems to be some noise in this building. It's good that there's not much description of the building itself here - it's not good when too much description is wedged into the opening sentence. Beginning with such eerie circumstances also lends itself to some good chances for creepy descriptions immediately afterward. I would replace "here," with "there," because the story is in past tense and it just makes more sense. Overall, though, good job. I would definitely read on.

Mine:

Toom-ba-da-doom. Toom-ba-da-doom. Toom-ba-da-doom, toom-toom-ba-da-doom—

I bopped my head in time to the drums, letting the beat resonate through my head and into my chest, like I was breathing in rhythm instead of air.

[Nevermore]

"It took about two seconds, some scotch tape, and a handfull of bullets to make our story legendary. Naturally, adding explosions to the tale granted it immortality."

"I dreamed an act and made it so. Somehow I knew it had to go downhill from there."

"I woke up and scratched my right nostril. Already life was feeling painfully average." :D

A few ideas, brainstormed on the spot. Thoughts?

[Me & the World]

"It took about two seconds, some scotch tape, and a handfull of bullets to make our story legendary. Naturally, adding explosions to the tale granted it immortality."
Vague is good, to a degree, but in my opinion this is introducing too many mysteries at once. There's nothing in there that really grabs me, and consequently i'm not interested enough to read the rest of teh paragraph, in order to see if you explain yourself.
"I dreamed an act and made it so. Somehow I knew it had to go downhill from there."This is just weird. Too vague again.

"I woke up and scratched my right nostril. Already life was feeling painfully average." :DCliche. Waking up is overused, and i am an offender too.


I always read the backs of books first, and there are two ways to do a back cover: leave an open ended summary, or a particularly inviting excerpt from the book. Which do you guys think is more effective?

Anyway, here is mine:

"Darling, I paid them to beat you up," said my father.

[Nevermore]

Thanks for the criticism. I've been often guilty of over-vagueness :D

[Hopnob]

Bugger, I thought as my imagination spiralled out of control and Robin almost flew out of stage, forgot to be careful about wishing again.

I have serious doubts about the sentence structure on this one. Need your critique. Also, would you read on?

[DragonBear3-2NJ]

I think it needs a little bit more meat on it depending on what skill level of reading your going for. If it's for elementary to middle school age kids then it works fine,but if its supposed to be for an older target audience then a little bit more needs to be described in the sentence. for example: "Jeremy raced down the creaky wooden stairs and tore into the unpacked boxes at the bottom, he had a feeling that the new house wouldn’t be all that bad." just a thought.

Here is mine from the 2nd book in my series

"The sand swirled around his eyes as he peaked over the dune that served as his only cover,He watched as a lone tank kicked up dust as it sped across the open highway."

[Dabs]

"The sand swirled around his eyes as he peaked over the dune that served as his only cover,He watched as a lone tank kicked up dust as it sped across the open highway."

Well, firstly, that sentence is a run-on. Secondly, even the first clause is too long. I feel like your cramming information in there.

Since the second clause is a separate sentence, lets see what the first clause is telling us:

Third Person
Past Tense
Set in a desert
Character in focus is male
He's hiding from something
It's windy
Character is being cautious, as evidenced by his peeking

That's conveying a lot of information, and that's good. You just need to word the sentence in such a way that it doesn't feel crammed. What's creating that "crammed" effect is the part that reads, "that served as his only cover." Ask yourself what the reader needs to know in that first sentence. Is it necessary that we know the dune is his only cover? Not really. I think we can assume that he's using it as cover from the way he's peeking over it. You can explain that it's his only cover in the next sentence.

Here's mine:

I dropped my quill as the ship careened and clutched my notebook to my chest.

[Nevermore]

I WOULD find nothing wrong with this opening...if it were put in the right order. I like getting thrown into the action, so the concept isn't at fault. However, the sentence itself needs to be shifted around somewhat.

Mainly, this part caught my eye; "the ship careened and clutched my notebook to my chest"

Now yes, I do know that it is your character clutching the notebook, not the ship, but upon re-reading the sentence, you might see that it indeed does sound as if the ship is doing the clutches.

Most readers would likely be able to see past that mistake and find your meaning, but come on. This IS the opening of your book; you want something that immediately draws your reader in without causing too much confusion.

Unless said confusion is intentional. I'm cool with that :D

I'd suggest rewording it a little...maybe, "I dropped my quill, the ship careening as I clutched my notebook to my chest." or "The ship careened as I dropped my quill, clutching my notebook to my chest." or even "The ship careening, I hastily clutched my notebook to my chest while accidentally dropping my quill in the process."

My opening: "Sellick rubbed an aching hand against his temple in irritation as the object of his frustration-and intense affection-systematically demolished his living room in a whirlwind of dust, feathers, and large pointed objects."

[Dabs]

I'd suggest rewording it a little...maybe, "I dropped my quill, the ship careening as I clutched my notebook to my chest." or "The ship careened as I dropped my quill, clutching my notebook to my chest." or even "The ship careening, I hastily clutched my notebook to my chest while accidentally dropping my quill in the process."

My opening: "Sellick rubbed an aching hand against his temple in irritation as the object of his frustration-and intense affection-systematically demolished his living room in a whirlwind of dust, feathers, and large pointed objects."

Thanks for the suggestions, but none of them are grammatically correct, and they're a bit lengthy for my taste. D:

As for your sentence, I think it's a bit too long. There's a lot of cramming going on in there. I've noticed that with a bunch of other sentences on this thread. A lot of them are purple. It's about saying a lot with a little. If your sentence is too big, it feels awkward, and kinda cheesy.

Let's see what this sentence tells us:

Third person
Past tense
Character of focus is Sellick
Sellick is frustrated/exasperated
His hand aches
There's an unknown object of affection
It's doing physical damage to the room
There's some hazardous stuff in this room
There are feathers
There's dust
There's a whirlwind, and the reader doesn't know if it's metaphorical or not


Okay, so that's a lot of info, but it's also taking up a lot of space, so it feels kinda forced. Also, take into consideration that some of the information your conveying may be superfluous. You don't need to convey too much into in an opening sentence. You just need to establish enough to make the reader keep reading. Perhaps establish a question that will make the reader want to move forward. Also, try and stay away from melodramatic prose, and that's something for everyone here to take note of, not just you, Nevermore.

Here's a rewording of my previous sentence:

The ship careened, and I clenched my notebook and quill against my chest.

Okay, so here's what I've conveyed:

Scene is set on a ship
first person
past tense
character is writing something
Something has caused the ship to jolt

Here are two questions I'd like this sentence to bring up:

What's happened to the ship?
Why are the notebook and quill important?

I think the first one is clearer than the second, so I'd like to know how to make that second one stronger, since it's more related to the character. However, I don't want to feel like the question is being forced. If I make it too apparent then it'll come off as sounding awkward.

[Nevermore]

Grammar tends to be one of my weaker points, along with somewhat wordy sentences :P Thanks for that excellent bit of advice; I'll be sure to keep it in mind. :)

The rewording works. I'm sorry if I came off as a bit pretentious before; I'll assure you it's not intentional. If your asking for suggestions as to how you'd make the second 'question' stronger, I'd say either add some sort of adjective to infer the importance of the articles your character is clenching/clutching ('and I frantically/hastily/insert-adjective-here clutched/clenched my notebook and quill against my chest). Otherwise, I'd say don't worry about it, and let the following sentence build the intensity of the 'why' your trying to convey.

Otherwise, I'd say you've got it clear now.

I've tried rewording mine; "Sellick rubbed his temples in irritation as his girlfriend systematically demolished his living room."

It DOES feel cleaner now, if a bit cliche. Thoughts?

[Dabs]

Grammar tends to be one of my weaker points, along with somewhat wordy sentences :P Thanks for that excellent bit of advice; I'll be sure to keep it in mind. :)

The rewording works. I'm sorry if I came off as a bit pretentious before; I'll assure you it's not intentional. If your asking for suggestions as to how you'd make the second 'question' stronger, I'd say either add some sort of adjective to infer the importance of the articles your character is clenching/clutching ('and I frantically/hastily/insert-adjective-here clutched/clenched my notebook and quill against my chest). Otherwise, I'd say don't worry about it, and let the following sentence build the intensity of the 'why' your trying to convey.

Otherwise, I'd say you've got it clear now.

I've tried rewording mine; "Sellick rubbed his temples in irritation as his girlfriend systematically demolished his living room."

It DOES feel cleaner now, if a bit cliche. Thoughts?

The cliche comes feel comes more from what's happening than from the wording. You can reword "it was a dark and stormy night" to "it was a black and tempestuous evening" and it's still cliche, or you can add more words to the sentence, or whatever, but it's not making the sentence less cliche; it's just hiding the cliche under some fluff.

I think the sentence is stronger at the length you currently have it. There are still a few things that you may be able to get rid of, though. I don't think you need to say "in irritation," for instance. You make it apparent that he's rubbing his temples because his girlfriend is trashing the place. To say that he did it in irritation seems redundant. The irritation is implied through the girlfriend's actions.

Actually, aside from the "in irritation" part, you can probably keep everything. There's just the matter of syntax. I'm wondering if the way you worded it is the best way to express what you're going for. I wouldn't know, obviously; it's just the first sentence, so there's no context yet. However, I feel like the sentences summarizes a lot of what's going on, and I'm not sure if that's the best way to go about starting off a story/chapter/whatever.

Like I mentioned before, I think it's important to have a question that will lead the reader into the story. In this instance, I think the question is "why is this happening?" That's kind of a broad question, so it's not very interesting. Maybe you can bring the reader into the situation by being more specific. Get into the scene. Give us a little bit of action. Maybe add some irritation to your narrative voice so you don't have to show us Sellick rubbing his temples.

Here's an idea:

"She'd only broken Sellick's most expensive lamp, and his favorite picture frame... and his coffee table."

I probably could have specified that "she" is the girlfriend, so that's a bit of a weak spot. It's also in passive voice, so that could be changed (I personally don't like to open up in passive voice). However, I think I managed to convey Sellick's irritation and the destruction of his living room without just saying "he was irritated and his living room was being destroyed." Obviously you weren't being that blunt, but you get how I managed to convey both ideas with a bit more subtlety, right?

[DragonBear3-2NJ]

here is the first line in the novel im writing
"The click of their high heels echoed thru the empty hangar. "

[Dabs]

here is the first line in the novel im writing
"The click of their high heels echoed thru the empty hangar. "

Ooooo I was gonna let someone else do this, but I'm a whore for critiquing.

Okay, so here's what you establish through this sentence:

There are people
They're wearing high heels
They're in a hangar
Their heels are noisy

There is pretty much no essential information in this. We have no character(s). We have only a vague setting. We have a bunch of vague questions that don't really invite us to read onward. We're not presented with anything interesting. So what if their heels are noisy? That's not engaging. What you've given us sounds more like a small detail that you would include in your first paragraph--after the first sentence.

[FayGee]

Ooooo I was gonna let someone else do this, but I'm a whore for critiquing.

Okay, so here's what you establish through this sentence:

There are people
They're wearing high heels
They're in a hangar
Their heels are noisy

There is pretty much no essential information in this. We have no character(s). We have only a vague setting. We have a bunch of vague questions that don't really invite us to read onward. We're not presented with anything interesting. So what if their heels are noisy? That's not engaging. What you've given us sounds more like a small detail that you would include in your first paragraph--after the first sentence.

I was actually going to critique this, but I didn't get to it quick enough, Dabs. :( One thing I have to disagree with you about, though, is that the sentence is interesting. Just seeing it piqued my curiosity. I would definitely read on from that -- it's unusual and original, in my opinion!

[Dabs]

I was actually going to critique this, but I didn't get to it quick enough, Dabs. :( One thing I have to disagree with you about, though, is that the sentence is interesting. Just seeing it piqued my curiosity. I would definitely read on from that -- it's unusual and original, in my opinion!

Without context I think it's a fine sentence. I just feel that an opening sentence needs to say a little bit more about the story. I'm interested, though, in what drew you to it? Maybe I'm being overly critical and missed something good about it.

[FayGee]

Without context I think it's a fine sentence. I just feel that an opening sentence needs to say a little bit more about the story. I'm interested, though, in what drew you to it? Maybe I'm being overly critical and missed something good about it.

At the start of the year I learned about opening sentences for, maybe, 10 weeks straight, because I was in a composite class in a tiny school, so my teacher had to go aggravatingly slow and thorough for the sake of the youngest students (where I'm the oldest. It was annoying, to say the least).

And in one sentence (I hope that's all it'll take. EDIT: It didn't. Big surprise. :D) I'll say that your opening sentence has to be gripping, attention-catching. My teacher, who has at LEAST thirty years of teaching experience behind her, (just trying to emphasise to you that she's one of those amazing teachers you get sometimes, one in one hundred!) would absolutely LOVE that sentence.

Why? For one simple reason: it's captivating! Not in the "hold-your-breath-what-will-happen-next?" kind of way, but in the "ooh-this-is-interesting-and-I-want-to-read-more!" kind of way. You get me?

I once heard that a when a certain well-renowned author wanted to buy a book, he'd walk into a bookstore, find a book that looked interesting, and open to the first page. If he didn't like the opening sentence, he'd put it down and look for another one. I'm sure anyone in the world would kill for the chance to have him read their book! But imagine, if he chose a book that you'd written, and you were oh-so excited, and then he put it down. Because the opening sentence didn't intrigue him, didn't leave him wanting more! I'm sure that you'd go home, find the money to re-publish your book, all to change that one small sentence!

In life, the first impression is THE impression, and it works for stories/books too. You want to write what will enthrall your reader, make them read on! So yeah. I've been rambling, as I ALWAYS do. You probably get my drift. :P

[Dabs]

At the start of the year I learned about opening sentences for, maybe, 10 weeks straight, because I was in a composite class in a tiny school, so my teacher had to go aggravatingly slow and thorough for the sake of the youngest students (where I'm the oldest. It was annoying, to say the least).

And in one sentence (I hope that's all it'll take. EDIT: It didn't. Big surprise. :D) I'll say that your opening sentence has to be gripping, attention-catching. My teacher, who has at LEAST thirty years of teaching experience behind her, (just trying to emphasise to you that she's one of those amazing teachers you get sometimes, one in one hundred!) would absolutely LOVE that sentence.

Why? For one simple reason: it's captivating! Not in the "hold-your-breath-what-will-happen-next?" kind of way, but in the "ooh-this-is-interesting-and-I-want-to-read-more!" kind of way. You get me?

I once heard that a when a certain well-renowned author wanted to buy a book, he'd walk into a bookstore, find a book that looked interesting, and open to the first page. If he didn't like the opening sentence, he'd put it down and look for another one. I'm sure anyone in the world would kill for the chance to have him read their book! But imagine, if he chose a book that you'd written, and you were oh-so excited, and then he put it down. Because the opening sentence didn't intrigue him, didn't leave him wanting more! I'm sure that you'd go home, find the money to re-publish your book, all to change that one small sentence!

In life, the first impression is THE impression, and it works for stories/books too. You want to write what will enthrall your reader, make them read on! So yeah. I've been rambling, as I ALWAYS do. You probably get my drift. :P

I kinda understand what you're saying, but I'm not sure I'm convinced that the sentence in question is really captivating, but I'll get into that momentarily. I'm also not sure if a first sentence should have to be gripping or attention grabbing. I think those are vague ideas. I think a first sentence needs to situate a reader in the story, and by that I mean it should establish some key information--setting, character, situation, and what makes that situation unique to the character are some examples of what you can put in there. By establishing several pieces of key informational seamlessly, I think the writer has made that sentence interesting.

"The click of their high heels echoed through the empty hangar" does tell us some important info, but it's still vague. It's an action without context. What makes this situation unique to these characters? I think that's a really crucial element to consider, perhaps the most crucial, in an opening sentence. The primary detail in this sentence is the click of their heels. Is that really what a compelling opening sentence should draw attention to? It's not a bad detail--it helps situate us in the physical setting--but I don't see where I should feel compelled to read more.

Here's an opening sentence I'm using for a short story:

Jerry had never pickpocketed without supervision before, and Paw—his father—figured that Manhattan was the best place for Jerry to start.

[Killian]

Yes it is a bit long! :P More like half a paragraph. So I'll take the first sentance of it XD
I looked down into the palm of my hand the soft skin crumpled up around a beautiful golden feather, the tips curled together.

I have a feeling there should be another comma there! All in all, its not bad, but is not good either. Its kind of like purgatory XD
I am curious to know how your person got into that mess, and what a golden feather has to do with anything?

I haven't got another first line, so a small review on my last first sentance would be appreciated XD

Your last first sentence was "The photo-hungry paparazzi flooded onto the Imperial Black’s platform.", no?

Hmm. I want to know who the Imperial Black is vaguely but it didn't really hook me in too well. Plus, I always think of the paparazzi as photo-hungry so it seems a little redundant.

Here's mine:

Reading through sites overviewing the themes of my English novel, I was only mildly annoyed when clawed fingers settled around my throat.

[Dabs]

Your last first sentence was "The photo-hungry paparazzi flooded onto the Imperial Black’s platform.", no?

Hmm. I want to know who the Imperial Black is vaguely but it didn't really hook me in too well. Plus, I always think of the paparazzi as photo-hungry so it seems a little redundant.

Here's mine:

Seeing as no one's got to this, I will no longer resist my impulse to be a critique-freak.


"Reading through sites overviewing the themes of my English novel, I was only mildly annoyed when clawed fingers settled around my throat."

This is very, very wordy. It does a lot of telling and very little showing.

Let's see what this sentence conveys:

First person
Past tense
character is a writer
perhaps fantastical setting?
character is at a computer
Character is nonchalant in stressful situations

That's a good amount of information, but it could probably be condensed. Either that or it could be split into two sentence to improve the flow. If you embed yourself in the character more (Which would require showing and not telling) then you may be able to seamlessly compress this information. And perhaps there's some information that doesn't need to be revealed in the first sentence. Do we need to know that the character is a writer just yet? Shouldn't we first be focused on the imminent situation?

[FayGee]

I kinda understand what you're saying, but I'm not sure I'm convinced that the sentence in question is really captivating, but I'll get into that momentarily. I'm also not sure if a first sentence should have to be gripping or attention grabbing. I think those are vague ideas. I think a first sentence needs to situate a reader in the story, and by that I mean it should establish some key information--setting, character, situation, and what makes that situation unique to the character are some examples of what you can put in there. By establishing several pieces of key informational seamlessly, I think the writer has made that sentence interesting.

"The click of their high heels echoed through the empty hangar" does tell us some important info, but it's still vague. It's an action without context. What makes this situation unique to these characters? I think that's a really crucial element to consider, perhaps the most crucial, in an opening sentence. The primary detail in this sentence is the click of their heels. Is that really what a compelling opening sentence should draw attention to? It's not a bad detail--it helps situate us in the physical setting--but I don't see where I should feel compelled to read more.

Here's an opening sentence I'm using for a short story:

Jerry had never pickpocketed without supervision before, and Paw—his father—figured that Manhattan was the best place for Jerry to start.

Since you did Killian's and no-one did yours, Dabs, I guess I will.

I'll say it bluntly. This is a BORING sentence! It didn't interest me at all. If there was a competition for boring sentences, this would take the cake.

According to you, a good opening sentence tells you a lot. Well, I don't agree. All I say is that it needs to get your attention so you read on -- and this so didn't. Sorry. :P

/kindaspambecauseIdidn'treallyhelpDabsbytellinghimthis:P


EDIT: Woops, I didn't post one of my own. I haven't really been writing lately :writersblock: but I'll put in one from something I wrote quite a while ago.

"It had all started with a simple..."

And yes, I do know it's bad. It's terrible!!! But tell me why! Help me fix it! ;)

[Dabs]

Since you did Killian's and no-one did yours, Dabs, I guess I will.

"It had all started with a simple..."




Well, I think the first issue is that it's in the passive voice. Secondly, I think the idea you have is often used, to the point where we can identify the story archetype without really having to know what the simple thing is. Granted, it's good that so few words can convey so much, but I think the idea of something simple turning someone's life upside down is a bit cliche. Perhaps the best idea is to instead bring us right into the simple event without telling us that it's simple. Let the simplicity speak for itself.

Here's mine.

"Bradley protected his hands from the biting autumn winds inside his denim jacket’s pockets, but he wouldn’t be outside much longer, thank god."

[FayGee]

but I think the idea of something simple turning someone's life upside down is a bit cliche.

I know that it's cliche, but it's the only way to ease into the story. And it's actually true. It actually changed her life. Cliches are usually quite true. As is this one. (Oh no it's the ramble disease! It's coming to get me!)

Here's mine.

"Bradley protected his hands from the biting autumn winds inside his denim jacket’s pockets, but he wouldn’t be outside much longer, thank god."

I'm not really in the mood for critting now, but I'll just say that it's too wordy. You'll need to shorten it somehow.
Since that wasn't much of a crit, I'll leave it for someone else to crit and won't post my own.

[graystripe79]

How's this opening sentance? (Its more of an opening statement)

"There's something really beautiful about waking up in a bed of snow, white fluffy flakes falling down waround your cold, still body. There's something really beautiful about waking up in a bed of snow only to realize that your surrounded by corpses."

[Zyanya]

How's this opening sentance? (Its more of an opening statement)

"There's something really beautiful about waking up in a bed of snow, white fluffy flakes falling down around your cold, still body. There's something really beautiful about waking up in a bed of snow only to realize that your surrounded by corpses."

I like the mood this opening sets. By use of the word 'beautiful', not only is the reader intrigued by the prose, but the reader wants to know what the hell is wrong with the character. This opening demands so many questions. Where is the person? Why? Who are they? Why the word 'beautiful'? I would read on. (and please, please tell me if this story is ever posted)
Overall, an impressive opening. Only one issue:
"only to realize that you're surrounded by corpses"


My opening:
"What am I?
The first sensation was cold.
Who am I?
Delicious, soothing cold."

[Dabs]

How's this opening sentance? (Its more of an opening statement)

"There's something really beautiful about waking up in a bed of snow, white fluffy flakes falling down waround your cold, still body. There's something really beautiful about waking up in a bed of snow only to realize that your surrounded by corpses."

It's spelled sentence, by the way. :P

I actually felt this was a strong opening sentence. I'm ignoring the second sentence right now because I think the focus of this thread is not on the opening paragraph (you could always make a thread dedicated to that).

You create an interesting image without being too overt. You give us some setting description (we're in a cold, snowy environment) and thus embed us in a physical environment and an active scene. You also give us a situation that makes us want to read more. Why is this person waking up in a bed of snow? What about their situation makes them so nonchalant about it? These are good questions to create.

As for the second sentence, it's also good, but the repetition doesn't feel right. There's nothing really beautiful about waking up next to corpses, I think. You may want to find another way of wording that.

Regardless, this was really good.

[Zyanya]

I disagree about the repetition. It makes it all the more intriguing that someone finds that beautiful. We might not think so, but for all we know it could be vital to the character's POV. What if it's a psychopath, for example? Or...other possibilities. I wouldn't be too quick to judge the repetition without more information.

[Dabs]

I disagree about the repetition. It makes it all the more intriguing that someone finds that beautiful. We might not think so, but for all we know it could be vital to the character's POV. What if it's a psychopath, for example? Or...other possibilities. I wouldn't be too quick to judge the repetition without more information.

It may be intriguing that someone finds it beautiful, but I don't buy that the focus character believes that. Maybe the character is a psycho. Maybe the character finds the bodies beautiful. If so, more work needs to be done to make me believe that. The second sentence feels more like it's trying to do something interesting with the prose than with the character.